He nods, still not looking at me.
“Again, is that not okay?”
“It’s great,” he says, though he won’t look at me. “I’m just thinking.”
“About?”
“Nico—and us.”
“Weird combo,” I joke, but he doesn’t laugh. “He’s all bark, no bite.”
“I beg to differ,” he says simply. “I want you to be sure of this.”
“This?” I ask, and finally, his eyes meet mine. “You? I’m sure about you. I like you a lot, Evan.”
He swallows hard. “I feel the same. But as I said before, I’m a bit broken.”
I slide my hand from his neck to his jaw. “I happen to believe you’re not as broken as you think. You’ve worked really hard to mend yourself.”
“I have,” he agrees. “But still, I’m chipped in a lot of ways.”
“Aren’t we all?” His eyes burn into mine. “I want nothing more than to help mend those parts too.”
Evan’s eyes are dark, and I’m lost in them. The sounds around us make the moment so beautiful and romantic. I understand that he feels the way he does, but it frustrates me at the same time. In my opinion, he’s so damn awesome. I hate the pressure he’s put on himself and how he feels that he’s not enough, just because of a sport.
“I’ll say it again, Evan, but you’re more than hockey. So much more. I need you to realize that, and to know that I like you for all of you.”
He swallows hard and looks away. “I stopped taking my meds, which is why I had that panic attack.”
I only blink, unsure what to say. Really, I don’t think this is my time to say anything. It’s his.
“I thought I was doing well enough not to need them, and I ran out and I didn’t refill, and then it was too late. Lots of excuses, honestly. Then I got so overwhelmed by everything that happened in that span of twenty-four hours, and I snapped.”
“It’s okay—”
“Let me get this out, please,” he urges, his eyes sweet but full of such trepidation.
I nod and feel as if I’m holding my breath.
“I owe you an apology. Though I doubt you’ll accept it,” he whispers. “I didn’t think through sleeping with you. I didn’t consider your feelings or mine. I wasn’t honest with you, I didn’t explain myself, and then I left you hanging for an unacceptable length of time.”
I thought we’d gone over this. I watch as he struggles with his words, the way his jaw goes taut and his breathing picks up. I want to tell him it’s okay, but I’m getting the vibe that he regrets sleeping with me. I’m so totally confused. I was convinced he enjoyed it; I know I did, so what did I miss? Why is he lying on the dock with me like this? Why are we even here?
When he looks up at me, breathing becomes optional. “In no way do I regret that night.”
“Oh, I thought you did,” I say on an exhale, and he shakes his head quickly.
“Believe me, I’ve had the hots for you since the moment I taped your ankle. You’re so out of my league. And Callie, I’m obsessed with your butt in a leotard. Seriously,” he says as I giggle, and God, I love how he smiles with his adorable little dimples. But then they disappear, and his face goes blank as he whispers, “The thing is, I owe you the truth.”
I swallow hard as I gulp out, “The truth? I don’t understand.”
He sucks in a breath, letting it out in a whoosh. “I’m making this more dramatic than it needs to be.”
I smile nervously. “I’m so confused.”
Evan shakes his head and then whispers, “You were my first.”
I scrunch up my face as confusion floods me. “First?” I repeat, because I think I know what he is saying…but surely not. This is Evan Adler, walking godlike hockey star. His body is a work of art, and he is a nice guy. Talented, sexy, smart, and kind. “Are you saying you were a virgin before me?”
“Yeah,” he admits slowly.
“Seriously?” I ask, dumbfounded by this information. “I would never have guessed that.”
“I know. How pathetic. But I know how I am,” he starts, the seriousness in his eyes not allowing me to look away or even think. “I knew if I got into bed with someone, I would obsess if I was good enough and if they liked having sex with me. It gave me such anxiety that I never tried. Plus, Owen takes up so much space and attention that no one ever came to me. With you, I didn’t let my mind stop me. Not only did I truly want you, but Owen was giving me shit for being a virgin, and then my younger brother is, or was, sleeping with someone, and I felt inadequate. But then you kissed me, and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop.”
He's rambling, and it’s adorable. Though I feel as if I’m not fully understanding what he is saying. It’s as if I’m on a roller coaster of emotions and trying to fight the ultimate feeling of falling flat on my face. I search his eyes, trying to figure out what he is telling me, but I can’t make sense of it.
“I know we like each other, I can feel it, but I need to know this isn’t just a hookup.”
Oh. Okay. Now it’s all making sense. I blink a few times and then clear my throat. “While it’s hard for me to fathom that someone like you, Evan Adler, chose me to have sex with for the first time, it doesn’t change my intentions or even how I feel. This isn’t, or wasn’t, a hookup, Evan, not in the slightest.”
“You could be with someone so much—”
“No, I couldn’t. Because they wouldn’t be you,” I say, holding his gaze. “I know what I want, Evan, and it starts and ends with you.”
He leans his head into mine. “I enjoy the way you make me feel. Like I’m not half a man.”
“Because you’re not,” I remind him, moving my nose to press to his. “Believe me. I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t believe it.”
“For so long, everyone did. Told me what they thought I needed.”
“I’m not them. I’m me, and the only person who knows what you need is you. So, tell us. Be honest. Be you, Evan. Because I happen to think you’re pretty damn awesome. Just the way you are.”
His eyes burn into mine. “It’s funny you say that.”
“Why?”
“That’s my mom and dad’s song.”
I grin. “I’ve never heard it.”
“Really?”
“Really! I don’t think so. Sing it.”
And he does. Softly, beautifully, and I’m breathless. He sings just the chorus, but it sends chills down my spine, making me grin from ear to ear.
“I lied. I knew the song. I just wanted to hear you sing it.”
He laughs, bringing me close as I giggle. His eyes move along my face, that sweet smile on his lips. “You’re beautiful, Callie, inside and out.”
I move in closer, stroking his nose with mine. Our lips brush ever so slightly against each other, and my breath catches.
He blows out a breath, cupping my jaw. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”
Something flickers in his eyes, and instantly, my body catches on fire. “I knew there was a reason you brought the blankets.”