“—and it freaked Keller out—”
“—and when you let me see your body last night,” he continues. “The trust you put in me—”
“—with dim light, not in the brightness of day.”
Gage sighs, and it’s heavy with disappointment. “I get your fears, Jenna. I empathize with them. And I love you. I really do. But I’m not going to hide in the shadows with you. I’m going to live my life the way I have been, and I want you by my side. But if you can’t, then I’ll try to deal with it. My guess is that this won’t be sustainable. That once we get past the newness of what we have and all the ways we’re discovering things about each other, I’m not going to be able to accept that parts of our lives will be led separately, with me in the light and you in the dark. I’d bet money right now, it will be our demise.”
I consider his words. My heart squeezes painfully at the thought of losing him. “Is this an ultimatum?”
“No,” he replies quietly. “I don’t believe in those. I believe in trying to work things out, and I will try to accept it.”
Sure sounds like an ultimatum to me, and it makes me bitter. But I also understand where he’s coming from. He’s watched me make so much progress, but that thing with Keller threw me back a bit.
“Can I think about it?” I ask.
He smiles. “Sure. I’m going to the arena for a workout. I’ll drop you off at your place, and you can let me know what you want to do.”
♦
Breakfast was awkward, and after we finished eating, Gage threw on some clothes and drove me home. He pulled up in front of my building but didn’t get out of the car. Not that I expected him to. I don’t need him to walk me up, but I was put on more tenuous ground when he didn’t tell me he loved me before I got out.
Is it possible he’s already lost that feeling because I didn’t want to go to a stupid party tonight?
It’s more than a party, my conscience reminds me.
It’s a relationship. It would mean commitment.
Inside my apartment, I head straight for my bathroom. I soak under a hot shower and try not to think about the way Gage touched me last night until he was acquainted with every square inch of my skin, smooth and ragged.
Once in my robe, I make another cup of coffee and move to my couch. Curling up on one end, I call Emory.
To my surprise, Jett answers in a robotic voice. “I’m sorry, Emory can’t come to the phone right now as she’s currently making me breakfast.”
Laughing, I say, “You go take over cooking duties and let me talk to my sister.”
Jett chuckles, and Emory comes on the line. “Hey.”
“You’re cooking breakfast for him?” I tease. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
“Oh, he started my morning off very right,” Emory whispers into the phone, and I can tell she’s walking out of the kitchen as I hear Jett and Felicity laughing about something in the background. “So let’s just say I owe him. He can finish it up, though.”
“I don’t want to bother you—”
“You’re never bothering me, and since you’re always so busy and we never get to talk, I’m not passing this up. I’m in the bedroom now, so let’s gossip.”
“Gage told me he loves me.”
“Holy shit,” Emory shrieks. “I knew it. I knew this was coming. I could just tell and—”
“—I don’t think it’s going to work,” I cut in.
Emory falls into dead silence, and it’s so heavy, I wonder if she’s gone. “Are you there?” I ask hesitantly.
“Why wouldn’t it work?” she demands.
“Because I can’t be what he wants.”
“What?” she growls. “Is he making unreasonable demands on you?”
“He wants me to go to a team party tonight with him.”
“Uh-huh,” she says, and I envision her nodding in encouragement. “Tell me more.”
“And, well… that’s it. He wants me to go to a party, and I don’t want to go.”
“And he’s saying if you don’t go, then he’s breaking up with you?” she asks.
“No, he’s not. But the implication is clear… if I can’t be part of his life all the way, does this really have a chance of working?”
“Okay, back the hell up, Jenna. I am so lost. You have a gorgeous, kind, successful man who loves you, and he wants you to be on his arm at a team party—the team who is basically family—and you don’t want to go because I’m guessing you don’t want people looking at your scars?”
“Right,” I reply emphatically. She gets me. I knew she would.
“You’re an idiot,” she hisses into the phone.
“What?” I gasp.
“An idiot. You have a real chance at love here with a man who is, by all accounts, the real deal. He adores you and wants to be with you. Going to that party isn’t about him showing you off, but about being with you. And there’s no reason you shouldn’t do it.”
But there is. I tell her about what happened with Keller and then Gage going berserk.
Emory sighs. “Oh, that’s hot he did that.”
Agreed. It was. Not the point. “You don’t understand, Em. Some of these women are so into themselves and so nasty that it’s going to be really uncomfortable.”
“So.”
“So,” I drawl, trying to lead her to the conclusion. “I don’t feel like being the subject of whispered discussions. I don’t want Gage to have to be in a position to defend me.”
“That’s a lame excuse,” she says.
“I don’t want him to realize at some point he made a mistake,” I finally say, drilling down to my deepest fear.
“Oh,” Emory says, falling silent again. When she speaks, her voice is soft and measured. “You know he’s not Paul. He’s not going to abandon you.”
“I hear you say that with such confidence. I hear Gage say he loves me, and it feels truthful. But… I thought Paul loved me. I thought he’d never abandon me, and yet he did. How do I know Gage won’t do the same? How do I know my heart won’t get broken again?”
“You can’t know for sure,” she says. “It boils down to trusting your heart and hoping like hell the risk pays off. It’s always a risk, Jenna. Are you brave enough to take it?”
It’s weird how just a few words can put something in perspective. I’m looking for an absolute guarantee that this will be my forever with Gage, and I’m already looking for ways for him to wiggle out of it. That’s based solely on experience, disregarding everything I know to be true about him.
It undermines the trust we’ve built between us.
I’m letting my feelings about Paul project onto this thing with Gage, and I’m the one who’s going to ruin it if I’m not careful.
“So it’s all about risk,” I mutter.
“No reward is worth it if there’s not risk involved. Is Gage worth it?”
“Of course, he is,” I reply without thought.
“Are you good, then?”