I realize that I have no one to speak to about this, no one to confide in. Dad warned me that it would be lonely, being the man in charge, but at the time I didn’t really hear what he was saying. Maybe it’s not just the Cara thing that has me questioning if I’ve taken on too much too soon.
But I’ve come this far and I can’t back away now.
If not me, then who?
* * *
“You’ve been MIA,” Arrow comments when he sees me the next day, finally making an appearance at the clubhouse. He’s an intimidating man, even when you’ve known him since you were a kid, like me. He demands respect, and we all give it to him.
“I know,” I reply, pulling out the bar stool next to him and sitting down. “Just getting my head right.”
Arrow nods. He looks tired, and I feel like shit that I haven’t been here, proving to him that the MC will be left in good hands. While there’s nothing too big going on with the club at the moment, from experience I know that can change in an instant. Not to mention I’m supposed to be spending time with the prospects, forming a bond with them and weeding out the men I don’t want at my back. These are my generation of MC brothers, and I need to make sure I’m surrounded by people I can trust, especially if I want the MC to continue to be strong and resilient.
“I know you’re still fucked-up over Cara,” he states, swirling the amber liquid in his glass. “Trust me, the first heartbreak is the worst, but as president, you’ll need to be strong for the club, no matter what’s going on in your own personal life. I talked Rake out of wanting to fight you, so there’s that, too. I think you should have a talk with him.”
Rake is Cara’s dad, an OG member of the club and someone I’ve always looked up to. He has always been like a second father to me, but I understand why he’d be mad. I respect it, even. If I had a daughter and someone broke her heart, I’d want a piece of him, too.
How many fucking bridges have I burned just because I lied? Too many to count.
But that’s not the real reason I don’t tell Cara the truth, is it?
No, it’s more selfish than that.
I needed to choose between the club and Cara.
Before I jumped headfirst into my ruse, I contemplated giving the club up. But I had nothing to fall back on. I knew nothing else other than the club and I realized I didn’t want to know anything else other than the club. The Wind Dragons are my home, just like my mother’s house will always be my home. I couldn’t give that up even if it meant losing a piece of my heart.
It’s pretty fucked-up when I think about it that way. But seeing how happy she is now, I know that I made the right choice, even if it’s killing me.
“I will talk to Rake,” I promise. I’ll continue to be the bad guy, because to be honest, it’s an easier role than the truth. “What was it like when Sin stepped down and you took over? How did you keep everyone together? I want us to remain the tight-knit unit that we are known for, but I’m not sure how to do that with all the new people coming in.”
Or maybe I just don’t know how to do that.
If Arrow is surprised by my question, he doesn’t show it. “I think it was easier for me to take over because Sin had it all set up. We knew the men in our club. We trusted each other. They respected me already, and I had already earned their loyalty. And I’m older. With you being younger and having new people patching in, it’s going to be more difficult. There will be some curveballs thrown your way. Why are you having doubts? I know you’ve been partying a lot more recently, so if this is something you don’t want anymore, you need to let me know.”
With that I look him in the eye and see something I haven’t seen in a while—hesitation. Does he think I can’t do this? Is he regretting his decision about me?
“Do you not think I can do it?”
He sighs deeply. “We picked you for a reason. We know you can handle it. Shit, more than handle it. But you cannot let yourself get distracted. And you’ve been distracted.”
“I’ll get my head on straight. I got this.”
“I fucking hope so,” Arrow says before slapping me on the back.
I head to the gym we have set up in the clubhouse and do an hour of weights and boxing. I consider myself a good fighter, but not that I’d ever admit it out loud, it fucking hurts my ego that Decker, Cara’s new man, is better than me. When I had gotten into trouble with the Forgotten Children, it was Decker who sort of saved the day. Fucker.
And he’s obviously a good guy too, which is the only thing keeping me from going back after Cara and admitting the truth. She deserves better.
“You’re back,” Dice says as he steps into the gym, pulling his tank top off and getting onto the treadmill. I’m the one who brought Dice in after I almost got into a fight with him at a bar one day. Just as we were going to battle it out—over something I don’t even remember—he said something that made me laugh instead. So I bought him a beer. He’s had a hard life, but he’s a good man to have at your back. He only just got patched in and I know he was meant for this life.
“Yep, what have I missed?” I ask.
“An epic ride,” he calls out, starting to walk. “We rode all day yesterday. Prez had some business to take care of, and then we went to a bar.”
“Sounds like a good day,” I reply, low-key pissed I wasn’t here. I love our group rides. I love being on my bike, period.
I need to sort my shit out. Drinking and fucking isn’t going to get me anywhere.
“I saw Trisha. She asked where you were,” he adds, referring to the woman Cara saw me kissing at Rift, a club the MC owns. It was the moment that sealed our breakup. The moment when I couldn’t take back anything.
Trisha and I never slept together, although she has been trying for a while now. It was just that one kiss in front of Cara. And I know Trisha did nothing wrong, but I can imagine Cara’s face falling if she ever saw Trisha and me together again. I would never do that to her. Besides, Trisha’s not my type.
Dice laughs. “I’ll tell her you’ve left the country next time.”
“I’d appreciate that.” I pause, and then say, “Learn from my lesson. Never fuck shit up with Leah.” Leah is Dice’s woman, and they have been together since high school. She’s a beautiful Black woman, with long dark braids and a killer smile.
“I don’t plan on it. I’m not an idiot.”
Ouch.
“Good,” I mutter under my breath. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy.
I finish my workout, have a long hot shower and then settle in my bedroom in the clubhouse, telling myself that I’m going to stay in tonight. I’m going to watch a movie, relax, and then tomorrow I’m going to get back to president-in-training shit.