My everything.
Alisa, John, and several others from the party rushed into the emergency room, but I couldn’t do anything to ebb their fears. Harper let them know everything we did.
It wasn’t long before Alisa turned into her demanding self, barking at the nurses to let us see him, to give us some kind of update. For once, I was okay with it, hoping she’d break through and they’d allow us back.
The door to the surgery area opened, and a woman in scrubs and a white coat stepped out, her expression pinched.
My muscles locked up, knowing we were getting what we demanded. The doctor was here for us.
Her eyes met mine, her steps steady as she walked up. “Mrs. Roberts?”
“Yes?” Alisa and I said in unison, her curvy figure moving next to me.
The doctor’s gaze went to her, then back to me with sorrow.
And I knew.
My ears started to buzz, my mind and soul separating, feeling like I was leaving my body.
“I am sorry.” Compassion was written over her face as she delivered the news. “Ben suffered from a pulmonary embolism. We did everything we could…”
I know she kept talking, explaining what happened, but I no longer heard anything. I know I screamed, but it didn’t feel as if the guttural wail came from me. And I know I collapsed because I could feel the cool tile against my face.
Vomit burned my throat as howls of grief erupted around me.
My brain wouldn’t let me absorb the truth, sheltering me from the agony dropping on me. It felt so foreign when he was kissing me just a few hours ago, talking about starting our family—our whole lives ahead of us.
He was supposed to come back from his run, and we should be celebrating right now, surrounded by his friends and family.
He was supposed to be my forever…
Now, all I felt was everlasting darkness.
Chapter 2
Emery
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“It was a lovely funeral.”
“Ben was a wonderful person. He will be greatly missed.”
“So sad. He was so young with so much ahead of him.”
Walking through the stream of people trying to comfort me, I nodded and smiled at their condolences. I felt as empty as their words were. I know they didn’t know what else to say to a grieving widow, but if I heard “I’m sorry” one more time, I was going to lose it.
“Looks as if you need this.” Harper handed me a glass of wine.
“Thanks.” I took it, finding even such a simple reply was hard for me. It had only been two weeks since Ben’s death, and everyone expected me to stand here like a pillar of strength, pretending my entire world hadn’t crumbled under my feet. That the love of my life—my rock—didn’t just leave me. I felt lost, as if I were floating, nothing holding me down.
“Please eat something.” Harper pushed a plate of cheese and crackers to me.
My hand went to my stomach, rolling with acid, my head shaking. Food tasted like ash.
Arms came around my waist, and Addison leaned into me, her eyes streaked red with tears. I squeezed her back wordlessly. She had taken Ben’s death badly, as if she had lost her rock as well.
Addison met her grandmother before she passed from cancer, but she was too young to remember. She never knew her grandfather. I barely knew my dad before he was shot and killed when I was six. Her own father was a dickhead and never around.
And now she lost Ben too.
Damn you, Ben, for leaving her also. The flare of anger at him dissolved quickly into guilt and sadness.
“Where are your salad plates?” Alisa marched up, her hair and makeup perfect, as she took over my house as the hostess. She wanted to have the funeral gathering at their large home, but I stood my ground. This was Ben’s house. This was where he’d want it.
“I’ll show you.” Harper gave me a look, downing more wine.
“Thank you,” I mouthed to her. She had her issues, but I couldn’t have asked for a better sister. She had been with me every step of the way.
Harper took a deep centering breath before trailing Alisa back into the kitchen.
“I miss him so much, Aunt Emery.” Addison leaned her head on my shoulder, her long blonde hair brushing my arm.
I dropped my cheek on her head. “Me too,” I whispered, my eyes blurring as my gaze landed on our wedding photo on the bookshelf. We looked so happy, oblivious to what was in our future, and what little time we had. I’d give anything to go back to that day. To go back to any day with him. Never taking a moment for granted.
Kissing Addy’s head, I pulled away, needing a moment, panic wrapping around my lungs. Slipping into my bedroom, a sob heaved from me, my legs buckling as I slid down the back of my door to my ass.
“You left me. You promised you’d always be there for me.” My eyes took in where his clothes hung. His shoes were lined up in the closet. A t-shirt of his was still draped over the dirty laundry basket. I hadn’t touched a thing because deep down, I hoped this was all a bad dream. That he would walk in as if nothing happened, and life would continue on.
“Damn you for deserting me, Ben,” I gritted out. More guilt hiccupped tears from me. He was the one dead, and I was furious at him for being so. I felt like I was breaking, and nothing would be left of me.
This past week had been a blur of signing forms at the hospital, with words like pulmonary embolism and organ donation, then going straight into funeral arrangements, which led to tension between Alisa and me. She wanted him buried in a plot near their house, but Ben had told me he’d rather be cremated.
I won the argument only because John finally stepped in, siding with what his son really wanted. Alisa was still pissed, but she settled on taking the ashes they had and putting them in a grave marked with his name.
Rising slowly, I ventured to the closet, grabbing his favorite hoodie and putting it to my nose. It still smelled like him. Cuddling it in my arms, I dropped onto the bed, tucking up in a ball. I rested my head on his pillow, eyes closed, pretending he was still in my arms.
A deep wail came from my soul, my body convulsing as my sorrow took over.
He was supposed to be the father of my children. The one who was my forever.
Now, we would never have kids. Never travel to Europe. I’d never feel him making love to me. He’d never win his first case as a lawyer. I’d never hear his laugh, see his smile, smell him fresh from a shower, taste his kiss, feel his arms around me.
Never.
Final. End. Over.
That’s exactly how I felt now.
Ben was dead, but I was the one no longer living.
Chapter 3
Emery
1 year later
Today would have been our wedding anniversary.
Last month was the anniversary of his death.
I sat on the bed holding our wedding photo, wearing his sweatshirt, sobbing my heart out behind closed doors.
People thought I was getting better. They’d see my smile and hear my laughs as a sign I was moving on.
It was all a lie.
Can you drown slowly while everyone thinks you are swimming? Can you fake being a living person when you’re dead inside?
Everyone was over it. Not that they didn’t miss him, but they’ve moved on and continued their lives. And they wanted me to do the same. They were tired of walking on eggshells. They didn’t want to be around someone stuck in constant sadness.