“I’m here, Blake. I’m here, and I’m fighting. Can’t you see it?” he spits. “I want you more than hockey.”
“For now,” I clarify, my heart breaking with every word. “Sure. But what happens when you get bored? Whether it’s five days from now or five years? Hell, maybe it’s fifty.” I bite my lower lip to keep it from quivering and shake my head, shoving down my stupid emotions and how much they’re threatening to choke me in this moment. I can’t look at Theo. Not when I’m so close to breaking. I stare at his hands and the way they’re gripping the door. Is it weird that I love his hands? That I miss the way they feel against my body? That I want to hold them? I want to entwine our fingers. I want to bring them to my lips. I want to hold on. Oh, how I want to hold on.
But it isn’t that easy.
And I’m tired. Tired of seeing what we could have slip through my fingers no matter how tightly I’ve tried to hold onto it.
Instead, I let him go.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I whisper, “What happens when you look back at your life and realize you had to give up something you love to be with the person you care about? It isn’t fair, Theo. It isn’t fair to you, and the resentment you’ll inevitably feel isn’t fair to me. So what, then? Where does it leave us?”
“Blake…” The pain in his voice rivals my own.
“You should go.” I shake my head and close the door.
This time, he lets me.
And it hurts even more than I could’ve imagined.
35
BLAKELY
“This is a bad idea,” I mutter as I stand on one leg while bending my opposite at the knee and pressing my foot to my butt in a quad stretch. I haven’t exercised in almost a week which is saying something considering I’ve been addicted to endorphins since I was a toddler. But I haven’t been able to get out of bed, let alone find the energy to run or lift weights or do anything but the bare minimum. Other than school, I’ve been sulking in my room. So much so, this afternoon, Mia, Kate, and Ash bombarded me after my last class and dragged me to LAU’s soccer field. It’s getting a little chillier, but the grass is still green, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.
It’s almost peaceful. Or at least, it would be if it wasn’t for the little voice in the back of my head telling me I should be spending my time finding a new job instead of soaking up what’s left of the sunshine before winter is upon us. Then again, the stupid voice has been saying a lot of stupid things lately. Like how stupid I am for letting Theo go. How stupid I am for ignoring his texts. How stupid I am for avoiding Colt just because he’s associated with Theo.
Yeah. Lots of stupid going on lately.
I just don’t know how to stop it.
“First, it’s an excellent idea,” Mia announces, pulling her long blonde hair into a ponytail. “And second, you needed to get out of the house and think about something else for a few hours anyway. Why not do it while hanging out with little kids?”
“Mia,” I groan.
“Blake,” she mimics using a whiney voice.
“Come on. It’ll be fun,” Ash quips as she stretches her arms over her head. She’s wearing a blush pink sports bra and spanx set with a pair of Colt’s black joggers hanging low on her hips. The sweats practically swallow her whole, but Colt insisted she steal them from his gym bag when he dropped her off at the field, convinced the preteen boys wouldn’t be able to concentrate with her butt on full display. After rolling her eyes, Ash obliged.
“I can’t believe Mia wrangled you into volunteering too,” I tell her.
“To be fair, the hours count toward my teaching degree, so…” She winks, then bends down and touches her toes.
The girl has a point.
I join her, glancing at the parking lot between my legs. “Way to kill two birds with one stone. Wish I had the same luxury.”
“You could,” Mia reminds me. “Don’t get me wrong. Being outside while exercising and teaching kids how to do something you love sounds like a few birds with one stone, but being paid to do it?” She bounces her eyebrows up and down. “Sounds like the trifecta, don’t you think?”
“How come she gets paid?” Ash demands, though there’s humor in her voice. She stands up and bounces from one foot to the other in a stationary boxer jog. “You said I had to do this for free.”
With a grin, Mia tells Ash, “The experience is your payment because you get to use it for your degree. Blake, however, could make a little moolah. If she’s interested, there’s still a full-time position needing to be filled and since the internship fell through…”
Fell through.
I’d laugh at her stretch of the truth if it weren’t so pathetic.
Ignoring the familiar pang in my chest, I twist at the waist, keeping my feet planted and stretch my lower back as I ask, “Fender hasn’t found anyone yet?”
“He’s a little busy touring the country and asked if I could take care of it. When Theo made an ass out of himself, and you got fired, I figured I’d hold out for a few more days. See if I could convince you to do this instead.” She picks up a brand new soccer ball from the lime green mesh bag lying on the grass and tosses it at me. When I catch it, she grins. “See? You got this.”
I open my mouth to argue with her but decide against it.
She’s right. I do need a distraction. And running around on freshly-mowed grass while teaching kids how to kick a ball seems like the perfect way to do it. Add in the prospect of making some money while figuring out what I want to do with my life or how the hell I can potentially land a new internship this late into the season is the icing on the cake.
Besides, it's not like I’m doing anything else with my life.
“Okay,” I announce. “But only until I find something else.”
Mia and Ash share surprised looks as Mia says, “Deal.”
“Deal.”
LAU was kind enough to allow the charity to use their soccer field for the day. It doesn’t hurt that a few of the professors like to hang out at SeaBird after a long week, and Mia knows most of them on a first-name basis. One of which is the sexy statistics teacher, Professor Buchanan. He’s also the guy who convinced Ash to tutor Colt when he first transferred and has connections like nobody’s business. Connections that led to us using the field today. It’s the perfect place to teach a bunch of kids how to kick a ball and what good sportsmanship is.
There are six volunteers scattered around the trimmed grass, including us. Most of them are like me and have a history in athletics. Some even managed to make it a few years playing professionally. The rest of the volunteers have zero experience, like Ash and Mia, but agreed to help out anyway. There’s something about coming together and teaching kids––especially the ones who come from not-so-great home lives––and I’m glad I was dragged here to do exactly that.
As I juggle the ball on my knees, trying to keep it in the air for as long as possible, the parking lot behind the goal begins filling with cars.
I’m not as good as I used to be, but I can still hit ten before the ball is knocked out of reach, and I have to chase after it. Mia laughs and takes a turn juggling the ball but only hitting it twice before it bounces away from her. Meanwhile, Ash takes pictures on her cell and squeals when the ball ricochets off Mia’s foot, almost hitting her in the forehead.