‘Is it serious?’
I stop eating and look at Laurie. ‘You sound like my mother.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘I was only asking.’
‘I like her a lot. She knows what she wants, and we have fun together.’
We lapse into silence, and I wash my pudding down with wine.
‘How’s married life?’
She pushes her dessert plate away half eaten and draws her wine glass towards her. ‘Good. Frustrating sometimes with Oscar being away so much, but yeah.’ She laughs lightly and shrugs. ‘Sorry. Smug marrieds.’
‘They’ll be next,’ I say to change the subject, nodding towards Sarah and Luke at the next table. Laurie follows my gaze, thoughtful.
‘Do you ever regret not staying together?’
I don’t have to think twice. ‘God, no. Look at her. She can’t keep the smile off her face. She never looked like that when she was with me.’
Laurie’s eyes are still on Sarah. ‘I just wish they’d stay here. I’m going to miss her so much.’ She drains her glass. ‘Where’s the waitress? I need another.’
I think I might have had a glass too many. I’m not falling-down drunk, but I’m definitely not sober either. We moved into the function room a while back; there’s a band on, playing the usual slightly too loud party covers. I reach up and adjust the small hearing aid I was fitted with when I finally got my act together and saw a specialist. I hadn’t been in Scotland all that long; moving away was the right thing for my health, both physical and mental.
Amanda’s disappeared off to take a call outside, and Laurie’s dancing with Luke a few feet away. I say dancing, but it’s closer to acrobatics; he’s throwing her around until she’s breathless with laughter.
‘Hey, Fred Astaire,’ I say, ambling over when the band finally change tack to something more mellow. ‘I can see now why Sarah’s so smitten.’
‘That woman is my heart,’ he says emphatically. I’m sure it’s the several beers he’s had, but his eyes definitely well up. I shake his hand; there will always be a strange link between us. He was the first person on the scene of my accident, and even though I can’t recall events clearly, I have a memory of him crouching beside me. And now he’s with Sarah, and it might have been odd but it isn’t, because they’re so obviously made for each other. I don’t know him all that well, but it seems like he’s solid gold.
‘Take good care of her for us,’ I say. ‘Mind if I cut in?’
He twirls Laurie round one last time and dips her over his arm. ‘She’s all yours, mate.’
She raises her eyebrows at Luke. ‘Do I get any say in this?’
He winks and kisses her cheek. ‘Sorry, Laurie; I should go and check on the wife anyway.’ He grins at me as he walks away.
Laurie stands in front of me. She’s bright-eyed and flushed. She looks more like she used to, happy and carefree.
‘Dance with me, Lu? For old times’ sake?’
Laurie
I don’t know what to say, because I want to say yes. Or rather, a small part of me wants to. The greater, more sensible part of me knows that Jack is a place I shouldn’t go. Especially when I’ve lost count of the glasses of wine I’ve drunk.
‘Please?’
I glance around. ‘Where’s Amanda?’
He scrubs his hand over his hair and shrugs. ‘She went outside to make a call.’ He frowns. ‘Or take a call. She won’t mind.’
‘Sure?’
He laughs, as if it’s a stupid question. ‘She’s not a jealous psycho, Lu, she knows you’re one of my oldest friends.’
I can’t help smiling because his laugh has been missing from my life for so long. It’s late and the lights are low, and his green-gold eyes are the same green-gold eyes I looked into one December night from the top deck of a bus on Camden High Street. It seems like a lifetime ago. For that girl, I can’t say no.
‘Okay.’
He draws me against him, one hand warm round my waist, the other holding mine.
‘I can’t believe she’s actually leaving,’ I say. ‘It’s too far away.’
‘It’ll be okay,’ he says, quiet by my ear. ‘Nowhere’s that far away these days.’
‘But I can’t call Australia every day, and she’ll be so busy.’
‘Call me sometimes instead, then.’ He rests his chin on the top of my head.
This isn’t going to plan. I came here determined to be polite and civil to Jack if he was here tonight, nothing more and nothing less. Yet somehow I’m dancing with him, his hand rubbing up and down my spine, and time seems to have done something strange, because I’m not the Laurie I was a couple of hours ago. I’m the Laurie I was seven years ago. Oh, Oscar, why didn’t you come?
‘I remember you telling me once about the boy you danced with at the school disco,’ he says, low laughter in his throat. ‘Don’t go and headbutt me.’
I lay my cheek against his chest. ‘We’ve shared a lot over the years, haven’t we?’
‘Too much?’
I can’t answer him honestly, because what I’d have to say is yes, too much. You take up too much of my heart and it’s not fair on my husband.
‘Did you tell Sarah that I kissed you? Is that why she wasn’t at your wedding?’
I’ve always known he’d ask me this one day or another. There are very few good reasons why Sarah would miss my wedding, and he probably sussed that she didn’t have any family emergency.
‘Yes, but I didn’t say you did it, just that it happened.’ We turn slowly under the glittering low lights, pressed together from shoulder to hip. ‘I couldn’t lie to her face when she asked me.’
‘I lost you for a while afterwards.’ His breath warms my ear. ‘I hated it.’
‘Me too.’
He looks down at me, and then he lays his forehead against mine. There’s no one else in this room any more for me. He’s Jack O’Mara, and I’m Laurie James, and I close my eyes and remember us.
‘Do you think we were always destined to know each other?’ I say.
In my head I’m cresting the Ferris wheel with Jack beside me, our heads tipped back to look at the stars. Perhaps it’s the wine, but my stomach flips slowly as he laughs quietly against my ear.
‘I don’t know if I believe in all that destiny stuff, Lu, but I’ll always be glad you’re in my life.’
He looks down into my eyes and his mouth is so close I can feel his breath on my lips. I ache.
‘Me too,’ I whisper. ‘Even though being with you is hard on my heart sometimes.’
It’s difficult to read the look in his eyes. Regret, maybe?
‘Don’t,’ he says. ‘Don’t say any more.’ He brushes my hair behind my ear, probably so I can hear him more clearly, but what it actually does is bring his lips heart-stoppingly close to my skin. ‘We’ve both got too much to lose.’
‘I know,’ I say, and I do. God knows I do. I’m lonely so much of the time, but Oscar’s continued absences are no justification for crossing lines that should never be crossed with a wedding ring on your hand.