“So far, so good,” I said.
“You sure?” Mama said, holding my face in her hands and looking into my eyes.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m good.”
“That’s what I want to hear,” she said, kissing my forehead. In the past I had lied about how debilitating my anxiety was when I talked to my parents. It was only after they’d observed me having a panic attack in a restaurant that they’d realized it was as bad as it was.
“Do you want some pancakes, sweetie?” Mom asked as she flipped several chocolate chip pancakes in the pan. The timer went off and Mama pulled a tray of bacon out of the oven.
“Um, not yet,” I said. “But how about some tea?”
“Coming right up,” Mama said, filling the electric kettle to heat the water up. Normally I drank coffee, but it had a tendency to make my anxiety worse, so I was going to skip it for today.
I sat at the dining table as Mama brought me some tea and I practiced my breathing. Being with my parents helped to distract my mind from spiraling, so I focused on the two of them as they talked to me and sang and danced as they cooked.
“We’ll keep a plate warm for you,” Mom said, making up a plate for me and sticking it in the warm oven.
They ate with me and talked about this and that and all kinds of silly things to keep me distracted.
An hour later, I was able to choke down some pancakes and bacon and gulp a glass of water. I took a long shower and washed my hair before drying and styling it and putting on the outfit that I’d picked out last night. The dress was cute and flowy, with a pattern of geometric bumble bees on it and my brown sandals that were worn in to perfectly shape my feet.
I had my bathing suit in case I got really wild and wanted to jump in the pool and put my hair up in a high pony with a few pieces curling in front. All I needed were my prescription sunglasses and I was set for the afternoon.
My hands shook a little as I tried to put my earrings in my ears and I had to brace my hands on the dresser and take a break.
I was determined not to back down from this challenge. Things like this party would only get easier the more I did them. It was like lifting weights.
“You’ve got this,” I told myself in the mirror over my dresser. “You’ve got this.”
I grabbed my bag and headed down the stairs.
“I’m heading out,” I called.
“Have a good time! Call us if you need anything,” Mama called from the kitchen. She and Mom were defrosting the freezer and weeding through the pantry. I wasn’t going to miss having to help.
“Love you,” I said, blowing them a kiss before heading out to my car.
Hot and cold waves passed through my body as I turned my car on and pulled onto the road.
Mark’s house was in a more secluded area, but it was still only a few minutes from my parent’s house. I put on my turn signal for the road and then just…kept driving. The ride hadn’t been long enough. I needed more prep time, so I drove a little bit longer and then turned around and went back.
This time, I joined the other cars that were already parked. I was still pretty early, which often happened when I was anxious.
I deep breathed for a few seconds before getting out and heading toward the music and sounds of voices in the back of the large home. I’d seen pictures of the place on Layne’s social media account, but the reality of the house was far more grand.
There was an assortment of adults all hanging in and around the pool, but I recognized Layne and Honor right away, along with Joy and her girlfriend, Ezra.
My entire body was vibrating as I carefully walked toward them, hoping I didn’t trip, and wishing that no one would even look in my direction.
“Hey, I’m so glad you made it,” Layne said, giving me a bright smile. “Did you want a drink or something?”
“Water?” I choked out.
“Sure, do you want ice?”
I nodded.
“Be right back,” she said, squeezing my arm.
“I am obsessed with this dress,” Joy said, sipping a bright pink drink through her straw.
“Thanks,” I said, swirling the skirt. “Part of the proceeds go to help save the bees.”
There, that was a perfectly normal thing to say. I was killing this so far.
“You’re going to have to send me a link. I definitely need that,” Joy said. “Don’t you think I need that?”
“Definitely,” Ezra said with a laugh.
“They sell skirts too,” I added as Layne came back with my water.
“I decided to make it festive,” she said, pointing to the umbrella and the neon yellow straw.
“Thank you,” I said, slowly sipping on the water so I didn’t choke and looking around to see if I could find a corner to hide in.
“I wish Syd was here, but I’m glad she’s taking a vacation,” Layne said.
“Me too, but I’m definitely ready for her to be back,” I said. She would be back to her regular job as my boss on Tuesday and I couldn’t wait.
“I bet you are,” Joy said, laughing.
“Oh my god, finally,” Layne said, looking over to the other side of the pool. I turned around and almost dropped my glass of water.
There was Ryan.
She came over wearing a light blue polo shirt and white shorts as if she’d just stepped off a golf course. Her aviator sunglasses were so effortlessly cool that I had to lock my knees so I didn’t just melt into a puddle right there.
Ryan pulled off her sunglasses slowly and then hooked them on her shirt. Her blue eyes were completely unreadable, but they were fixed on me. Shit, she was tall.
We were interrupted by a squealing sound as the twins hauled themselves out of the pool and launched themselves toward Ryan, who put out her hand and said, “red light.”
The two girls skidded to a stop, crashing into each other.
Ryan reached toward two chairs where some towels were stacked and pulled out two, handing them over to the twins. They dutifully wrapped themselves up.
“Thank you, Auntie Ryan,” one of the twins said. I couldn’t keep them straight in my head, but I was going to figure it out one of these days.
“You’re welcome,” she said, giving them a fond look. She sighed. “I can’t believe how grown you both are.”
The girls preened and started babbling at the same time.
“They just love her,” Layne said. “They’re so excited she’s going to be here for the summer so they can pester her.”
Ryan shot Layne a look and then flicked her eyes over to me. I felt my cheeks go red.
“And that’s my signal that she needs a drink,” Layne said.
“I’ve got it, babe,” Honor said, touching Layne’s shoulder.
“Negroni,” Layne told her.
“I remember,” Honor said, smiling before turning around and heading inside.
Layne watched Honor walk away with a somewhat dazed look on her face.
“She’s so hot, I can’t believe I get to marry her,” she said, shaking her head.
“I know what you mean,” Joy said, gazing at Ezra.
“We’re not getting married,” Ezra said, and then added “yet.”
That set off a flurry of excitement from Joy, but I was busy watching Ryan with the twins. She’d sat down on one of the chairs to bring herself closer to their level.