I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to stand near her. I wanted to watch her face and see her smile and I desperately wanted to kiss her again. The last one had been such a blur, I needed another chance. Kisses like that just didn’t come along every day. I had to see if it was a fluke or if it was something else.
Too bad she was probably never going to get her lips near my lips again. Since she was Mark’s niece, she was fancy and probably rich. I’d known she had money from that first day, but now her wealth was put in perspective and it was much more than I initially thought.
People like Ryan didn’t kiss people like me unless it was on a whim or to see what it was like to lock lips with a commoner once and then go back to their regular diamond-studded champagne lives.
Honor returned with Ryan’s drink and she took it and gave Honor her thanks.
The twins ran off to talk to someone else, releasing Ryan. She came back over to our group.
“What is even in a negroni?” I blurted out.
Ryan held her glass out to me. “Take a sip and find out.”
“Oh, no, I couldn’t,” I said.
“I can get you one if you want to try it,” Layne said.
“I’m better at making them than you are,” Honor said.
“You really don’t have to do that,” I said, but Honor was already walking away.
Shit. I didn’t want to be a nuisance. I didn’t want people to think I was being demanding or rude.
In spite of my meds, my chest was starting to feel tight and I had that tingle in my hands that told me that I was starting to lose it.
“Where’s the bathroom?” I managed to ask Layne.
“I’ll show you,” she said, studying my face and then taking my arm.
I let Layne lead me into the house and down the hall to a bathroom.
“You okay?” she asked. I gave her a jerky nod and closed the door.
I paced the room before putting down the lid of the toilet and sitting down, putting my head between my knees. My heart beat so fast that it felt like it was trying to escape from my chest.
I hated this fucking feeling so much. Things had been going so well and I’d relaxed too much and here I was, in the bathroom, my stomach roiling like a storm and my body sending up all the danger signals.
Breathe. I needed to breathe. Logically I knew that a panic attack could only last a maximum of twenty minutes, but I had no plans for staying in this bathroom to wait it out. I was going to get my shit together and go back out to this party.
I closed my eyes and did my breathing exercises, counting as I inhaled, held my breath, and then exhaled slowly. That was all I needed to do right now. Breathe.
Time passed. I had no idea how much, but at least no one was pounding on the door and demanding to use the facilities. That had happened more times than I could count and could send me right back into the thick of it.
Somehow, after what I hoped was only a few minutes, my nervous system started to come down from peak panic. I opened my eyes and flexed my fingers. My hand went to my heart and it started to beat a little more normally.
Before I left and threw myself back into the fray, I wanted to give myself a little more time to make sure I wasn’t just going to tip over the edge again.
I stood up and realized I’d set my water on the sink counter, so I grabbed it and had a few sips. I also checked myself in the mirror. My face was washed out, so I pinched my cheeks to bring some color back into them.
Figuring it was a good idea, I washed my hands with warm water and then braced myself before I turned the doorknob and left the room.
The hallway was blocked by someone very tall.
“Oh,” I said, surprised to see anyone. “I’m sorry, were you waiting for the bathroom?”
Ryan was leaning casually against the wall.
“No,” she said.
“Okay,” I said. Then why had she been standing here. “Were you waiting for me?”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and then tried again.
“I thought we should talk,” she said. “But we don’t have to right now.”
“No, it’s fine,” I said.
“There’s a guest room right there,” she said, pointing down the hall.
I nodded and turned, walking toward it with Ryan following me.
The room was decorated beautifully and looked like no one was staying in it.
Ryan closed the door, and I sat down on the bed. Ryan filled up the room, and I couldn’t help but stare.
I set my water on the nightstand, making sure to set it on a coaster so it didn’t leave a ring.
Ryan looked around and finally ended up sitting next to me at the end of the bed. It dipped so much that I had to stop myself from sliding right into her. She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and looked straight ahead.
After a few seconds of silence, I said, “So…”
“So,” Ryan said. “Everly.”
“That’s me,” I said, and then wanted to cringe.
Ryan turned her head to look at me.
“I didn’t expect to see you again,” she said.
“Me neither,” I said. “I thought you were probably just passing through. You didn’t seem like someone who would be in Arrowbridge for a long time.”
She tilted her head to the side slightly. “What does that mean?”
“You’re obviously from away,” I said, using my hand to indicate her outfit and attitude in general.
“From away? Is that what you call it?” she asked.
“Well, I’m technically from away, but I’m able to fake it,” I said.
“But I can’t,” she said, more a statement than a question.
“Sorry?” I said.
“I feel like I should be insulted,” she said.
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “Mainers are just weird that way.”
“Where are you from?” she asked, and I had the sensation that every single ounce of her focus was completely on me. It was like being examined and I hoped that I passed.
“I’m just a Masshole transplant,” I said. “I haven’t even lived here for a year.”
“You don’t have much of an accent,” she said.
“It comes out in certain situations,” I said. “Maybe I’ll bust it out for you later.”
Was I flirting? Was this flirting?
Ryan studied me for a moment in that way she had.
“Where are you from?” I asked.
“Connecticut,” she said.
I nodded. “That makes sense.”
She let out a little snort that was almost a laugh. “Why is that?”
“Oh, you just give off that Connecticut vibe. Yale, yachts, all that.”
“I didn’t go to Yale,” she said.
“But you’ve played polo at least once, haven’t you?” I asked.
Her jaw clenched just a little. “Yes.”
“Sorry, we got a little off track. I think you wanted to talk about things other than where we’re from,” I said.
“I just wanted to apologize to you for what happened at the store. I have no idea what came over me, I’m not normally like that at all,” she said.
“Me neither,” I said. “I don’t normally make out with strangers that I’ve just spilled coffee on. You didn’t have any burns, did you?”