“I can’t believe you’re going to leave.” I say it more to myself than to her. I back up, move away from where she’s standing. “I’ll get someone down here to help with the kids until it’s time to take them back. I—I need some space.”
I can feel her stare at my back as I walk away from her.
I can still feel it long after I’ve left the building.
It’s then I recognize that broken feeling within me.
Billie has a bigger, brighter life to lead, something that doesn’t need me in it. Soon, she’ll press pause and eventually decide being my girlfriend is more like being a caregiver.
And I’ll be alone once more.
28
indecision highway
Billie
Nikki and Sven are on a Zoom call with me and our agent, and they are, to put it mildly, totally psyched about this deal.
I, however, feel totally overwhelmed. I ask a few questions, and we plan for Monday. But when our agent gets off the call, I say, “Guys, is this, maybe, going a little too fast?”
“No way,” they say in unison.
“Billie, we know you struggle with this, but we did the work on the film, and it all turned out fine, right? It sounds good. We got a fat paycheck for it. This is an amazing next step. This is happening. We’re really making this happen.” Nikki’s face is bright and open. She’s truly excited, and I feel like a total schmuck for trying to ruin it for her.
“It’s just…I have a job I like here. And they need me here. I can’t be gone for like six months. They won’t hold the job for me.”
“Billie, you don’t need to work your crappy nonprofit job when you’re making tons of bank doing music,” Sven says.
“It’s a really good deal, Billie,” Nikki echoes. “Don’t worry about the job.”
“It’s not a crappy job,” I argue. “I like it. And I want to continue to do it. I love those kids.”
“Ohmygod.” Nikki scoffs at me and throws up her hands. “Then come back and volunteer every once in a while.”
“And Cal…” I add.
“Cal is a grown-ass man who travels a ton for his own job,” Sven says.
Every argument I make is met with a rational response, but finally, Sven puts an end to it. He says, “Look, Nik and I talked. We knew you’d freak out. And so we talked.”
I feel my eyebrows meet as I frown. “And what was this talk you had?”
Nikki says, “We love you, Billie. You’re the best drummer we’ve ever met. But you’re not the only drummer out there.”
My face opens back up in surprise. “Oh.”
Sven faces off at me with crossed arms. “We don’t want to, but if you truly cannot see yourself going all in with us on this project, we can find another drummer.”
“My brother would be so pissed,” I say.
“Your brother has nothing to do with this deal,” Sven snaps back.
“My brother got us the gig that got us this deal. He didn’t do it for you two. He did it for me.”
“And he also works in show business. He knows how this works. Lineups change all the time. And Nik and I want this. Only this. Your priorities are all over the place.”
I take a second, breathing, to steady myself and my thoughts. Everything is going so fast. They’re not wrong to give me an ultimatum. They know how long I dragged my feet on their requests to connect the band through my family. They know I’ll hold them back.
I’m not even mad about it.
“We’ve been working hard, and we are ready,” Nikki says. “You are ready. You are talented and we want you there with us.”
I take a deep breath. “If I go down this rabbit hole, my life will change into something really different. I’m not sure I’m ready for that life, you know?”
“Well, think about it and call us tomorrow,” Sven says.
“Okay.” This is the end of the indecision highway for me. I have to decide. “Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I get off the call and try to call Calum, but as it has since he walked out of the arena earlier, it goes straight to voice mail. I try my brother, and he picks up immediately.
“Hey, sis. How’s the hottest drummer LA has ever seen?”
I smile at his enthusiasm but then sigh due to the conflict raging within me. If anyone would get this, he would.
“In a word? Conflicted.”
“Hmm. That’s not the response I expected. What’s going on?”
Being the good big brother he is, he listens to the day’s whole story and talks me through each step.
“You’re so talented, Billie. The band sounds so great. This is a dream. I cannot advise that you walk away from a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If it craps out, you can go and beg for your job back, but for now? I’d go for it.”
“And what about Cal?” I ask pitifully. “We just…we just decided to get together. Like official. And I love him.”
“Look, if Cal loves you back, he’ll support you in pursuing your talents and passions. He plays hockey and you don’t tell him not to play because it’s dangerous or he has to travel too much, right?”
“Right?” It doesn’t sound like a solid answer.
Kit laughs. “Josh and I…he understands the parts of my job that are undesirable. He loves me in spite of all the studio bullshit. Cal will come around.”
I thank him and hang up, but I don’t feel any better. I know Calum. I know how hard change is for him. I know that our relationship is a steadying factor that has helped him to be more comfortable in Vegas. And he’s just getting back to play after his injury. He’ll already feel unsteady. I hate what this will do to him.
I know one thing, though.
I can’t go without talking to him first.
29
if you go…
Cal
When a knock sounds at my door, I know it will be Billie.
Steeling myself for the heartbreaker I know is coming, I get up from my spot on the couch and check the peephole to confirm it’s her.
Oh, it’s her…looking just as beautiful and confident as she always does.
I—I can’t do this—
I abruptly open the door but turn away, returning to the couch without greeting her or even inviting her inside. It’s shitty manners, yes, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way, but maybe it’ll be better for both of us to just rip the bandage off in one fell swoop. I had UNLV football on before she came, so I focus my attention back on the television. A few seconds later, I feel the weight of her body sit on the couch beside me.
We sit in silence for what feels like a long time. Time that will steal away the last moments we have together. Sucks.
I can smell the citrusy scent of the shampoo she uses in her hair. I know it now—a combination of lemon and orange with something darker, cloves maybe—I love smelling it when I’m close to her. But when she’s gone and in LA to do her album, I won’t have the intoxicating scent of her hair around to smell anymore. No Billie. No hair. No citrus-clove shampoo to smell when I’m kissing her neck or waking up to her hair tangled across the pillows.