As I sing, I think of Calum. These lyrics are about Calum. About not liking him at first. About seeing what a good heart he has. About falling in love and making love and wanting him so badly, I thought I might burst. About being disappointed. About being hurt but wanting nothing more than to hear his voice.
I’m nearly in tears as we finish it off, and when the song ends, I sit for a minute longer to get my breath under control.
Nikki appears in front of my kit, leaning down to meet my line of sight. “You okay, Billie?”
I sit up, nodding, wiping an errant tear with the back of my hand.
“I know you miss him,” she says quietly. “We’re glad you’re here, but I know it wasn’t an easy choice.”
I nod. It’s all I can think to do. I didn’t share what Calum said to me. I didn’t tell them that I was given an ultimatum that broke my heart more than I thought it could be broken. I couldn’t find those words.
“Want to hear it back?” comes through from the booth. “It was intense. Really, really good.”
Sven gives a thumbs-up, and the song flows back into the studio space. I close my eyes as I hear it back, raw and emotional. He’s right; it is really, really good. Maybe one of the best we’ve done.
Nikki announces that she needs a lunch break, but I know she must realize I need an emotional break. I give her a nod of thanks as she drags Sven out of the studio. I wander into the booth where one of the producers, a Brit named Colin sits, fiddling with some of the production values.
“This is insanely good,” he says. “You literally just made that up today?”
“I’ve been messing with the lyrics for a few days,” I admit.
“Well, still. It’s gold. I’ve only ever seen that come together once before. Insane.”
“Thanks.”
“Recent breakup?”
I shrug. “Not sure, really. I guess?”
“Ugly emotion makes the best art, luv.”
I frown, Colin’s comment jarring something down deep, making me think about what he just said. An idea forms…and then the dark clouds part just enough to let some sunshine in.
I know what I need to do.
“Can I…would you let me share this with someone?” I take a deep breath, a hopeful breath. “Like, can I play this for the person I was thinking of when I wrote it?”
“Will he leak it?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Don’t think so.”
“I won’t tell if you don’t.”
We bump fists before he airdrops the raw song file to me from the logic session. God, I hope this works.
31
grand gestures
Cal
My first guitar class back since the injury has left me with mixed feelings. The kids are awesome, as always. They surprised me with cupcakes and gave me a bunch of get-well cards and letters they made for me when I was laid up. They told me how much they missed coming to my class. They also told me what a douchebag Barrymore was for injuring my eye. That part felt great (the thing about Barrymore made me laugh) but it’s very different now…coming here.
Without Billie.
There’s a new person doing her job now. A guy named Marc. He’s okay, but he’s not her, so not too impressed. He also has a cringy neon-green dye job and it’s not a good look. Disturbing actually. I think he scares some of the younger kids a little bit.
After my last guitarist (Keegan) does the obligatory fist bump and heads out the door, an email notification buzzes my phone.
From Children’s Services Las Vegas.
It’s Billie’s email account.
As if she knew my schedule. Knew I’d be here today for my class. And also knew the kids had just left a few minutes ago…
I’ve been sitting in the same position for fourteen minutes reading her email.
Over and over and over because I can’t look away from the words.
As soon as I finish reading to the end, I start over at the beginning and read it again.
To: Calum Lefleur
From: Billie Hirsch
Subject: Something you need to hear
Calum,
I know you’re upset. Change sucks and it’s hard. For all of us. I raged against it for so long. I had my little job and my little music thing, and everything was fine because I didn’t have to face my baggage if I just kept going the same way. And you were the same, right? You could play in Montreal and be a superstar goalkeeper and not have to face the fact that your relationship was stale, and your feelings were only lukewarm.
And then we found each other. And I couldn’t stand you at first. I thought you were cocky and strange and a real pain in my ass. But then I saw you with those kids. And I saw the way we matched up, the things we had in common. And I felt the way we fit together. It was electric between us from the start, but then I came to care about you. Eventually, to fall in love with you.
Things will always change. Slightly or a lot, but they will. Change can provide a chance to grow, to make things better, so it’s not always a negative thing. And I am willing to weather those changes with you because I want you in my life. But I can’t do it if you’re always going to shut down on me, to push me away.
I wrote this song for you. Yes, I can sing, too. That’s me singing. Listen to it because it conveys all these feelings in a way I probably couldn’t in person.
Things are going well here. I hope I’ll see you soon.
I love you.
Billie
At minute fifteen, I open the attached file and listen to her song.
To her amazing voice. To the steady drumbeat.
To the lyrics Billie wrote about us.
Reading them over many times, until I’ve memorized every word and every note of the melody, and it’s cemented in my brain going nowhere.
When I head to practice later, it’s with her song on repeat in my head.
I do my drills and go to the training room for a workout, the whole time imagining I’m playing the notes of her song on my guitar.
I learn every chord and every word of the lyrics silently in my head, going over it again and again and again.
…But then I saw
Something inside you
Something inside your beating heart
Something for keeping close…
Darin, my goalie coach, stops by to let me know I’ve been cleared for team training and should be able to hit the ice right after the holiday break.
He also lets me know a decision’s been handed down regarding Bryce Barrymore, who’ll most definitely not be hitting any ice after the holiday break. Not NHL ice for sure. Being hockey royalty doesn’t change the fact that nobody can trust him now. Not willing to risk another incident, New York released him from his contract before the NHL Player Safety review was even complete. Given the maximum fines for “intent to injure” and “illegal check to the head” among his many sins, they dumped him down to WHL junior hockey, skipping over the AHL minors altogether. On the record? It’s for the purpose of “further growth and development.” Pretty sure they mean emotional growth and the development of some anger-management skills. Barrymore won’t be back to the NHL for a long time, if ever. Coach said there’s a rumor he’s leaving North America to play somewhere in the KHL. The Russian league has a long history of welcoming players like Barrymore, who’ve had their asses canceled by the NHL.