What if Garrison didn’t?
What if Creed got angry?
What if he didn’t care?
What if Wayne showed someone that video?
What if Wayne posted it on the internet?
What if … what if … what if…
Unfortunately, now that a new day was underway, I was rehashing the shitstorm from yesterday, hating Wayne more each time I thought about it. The only positive was that anger had replaced my fear.
My phone dinged, the reminder chime set for when I didn’t get the first notice of a message. I exhaled as I opened my eyes, trying to acclimate to the darkness as I reached for my phone.
— I need to hear your voice.
Creed.
I wished I could keep pretending I didn’t want to talk to him. It had been easy to do yesterday because I was caught up in my own drama, and I’d had Garrison to lean on. The thought of dealing with Creed’s games only unsettled me more. But the longer I went without talking to him, the more I’d begun to miss him. It was silly, I knew. I shouldn’t be thinking about him since last night was proof that I had no loyalties when it came to these three men. I didn’t have a clue what was going on between Garrison and me, but I liked spending time with him. I liked even more the way he had fucked me. He made me feel safe and cherished. He made me feel sexy.
Garrison, Creed, Hawk.
Hawk, Creed, Garrison.
Those were the order of my thoughts.
As I peered up at the ceiling, I realized those were always the order of my thoughts. Creed never came first. I thought about him more than I did anyone else, yet he wasn’t the first to come to mind. Was that because I’d had more interaction with Hawk and Garrison? Or was my subconscious shoving Creed back to avoid the heartbreak I feared was coming if I let myself get mixed up with him?
I hadn’t even gone on a date with him, and he was already playing games with me. If that wasn’t a giant red flag, I didn’t know what was. Hawk, on the other hand, was open and honest. I didn’t see deceit in his eyes when I looked at him, and I certainly didn’t feel ill-intent when he kissed me.
I glanced at my phone and reread the text.
— I need to hear your voice.
I felt guilty because while I considered responding to Creed, I was thinking about Garrison and the incredible night we had spent together. Had he left because he didn’t want to be here? Or did he have other obligations? Would he call me? Should I call him? I didn’t have answers, but for whatever reason, I wasn’t panicking. Not yet.
Instantly, my thoughts drifted to Hawk and all our shared conversations. He made me feel alive when I was with him. I missed him the most, I think. I hadn’t heard from him at all. Not a single text since he left town. What would he say when he learned I’d been with Garrison?
Would he ever talk to me again?
Would Garrison tell him? Would Garrison tell Creed?
Should I be the one to bring it up?
So many freaking questions and not a single answer.
I gave in to my urge and replied to Creed’s text.
— I’m sleeping.
I waited for a response, although I didn’t know what to expect from him.
— I need to hear your voice, hellcat.
Why? Why did my heart do that flip-flop thing in my chest when he called me that? I shouldn’t find it endearing, but I did.
— STILL sleeping.
— Call me, Journey.
— I can’t.
— Is someone with you?
— I want to say yes since I don’t think that’s the answer you want. But it would be a lie.
— Call. Me. Journey.
God, I could even hear his dominance in his text. How could he possibly do that?
Against my better judgment, I tapped the screen to place the call. When it started to ring, I closed my eyes. I didn’t expect the warmth that rushed through my veins when I heard his voice.
“You know it’s only four-thirty here,” I told him.
“I know. And if I were there, I’d still want to hear your voice right now.”
“Why?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
The sincerity I sensed told me he was as confused by what was going on as I was.
Yesterday, when I was sitting at the beach with Garrison, I had nearly convinced myself that what I felt for Creed was merely my infatuation getting the better of me. My doubts had doubled as I’d drifted off to sleep curled around Garrison’s warm body. Nothing had ever felt as good as being in Garrison’s arms. Not even that one brief instance in the bathroom at Austere when Creed had put his hand on my throat and held me against him. I tried to convince myself I hadn’t felt anything when Hawk kissed me. That I couldn’t possibly have gotten butterflies or felt that ridiculous sense of giddiness.
How could either of those moments compare when Garrison made me feel so safe? There was no way I could possibly want anything more than what I had at that moment.
Oddly enough, it was the same question I had asked myself when Hawk kissed me the first time. And I still didn’t have an answer.
“When are you coming back?” I asked, simply so I didn’t have to hear Creed breathing on the other end of the phone. It was too intimate for my state of mind right now.
“Tomorrow.”
“I’m not sure I’ll still be working there.”
“You will. You’ll get through this.”
“You sound so sure. You don’t know me, Creed. You can’t pretend you do.”
“I know you’re smart, and you’re strong, and no man is going to make you back down.”
I hated that he said that. I hated that there was conviction in his tone, as though he genuinely believed that. I wished I could’ve agreed with him, but I wasn’t so sure. The thought of facing Wayne … it made me want to vomit. I didn’t think I could look him in the eye ever again. It had been hard enough when I thought he was simply a misogynistic prick. Now that I knew he was a vile pervert, I didn’t want to go within a hundred yards of him.
“Journey, I want you to do something for me.”
“I’m not going to masturbate on command, Creed.”