“Why?”
“It makes the bread light and airy. But,” she glanced up at him, “if you knead too long, the bread gets chewy and dense.”
“How do you know when you’ve reached that sweet spot?”
“You learn to feel the difference.” She grasped his hand and brought it to the dough. “Use the heel of your hand. Yes. Like that.”
Swift was a quick study and picked up the technique easily. He was so serious as he kneaded the dough, and she couldn’t help but smile at his dedication to learning this new skill.
“What?” he asked, eyeing her suspiciously.
“You look so serious.”
“Watching you work has taught me that bread is serious business.”
The mention of serious business brought her back to his revelation about trying to take Ella. She didn’t want to wake back into those hurtful feelings, but putting it off would only make the inevitable discussion worse.
“Why did you want to take Ella from her man?”
Swift’s smooth movements stuttered. He recovered quickly and kept kneading the dough. “I’ve wanted a mate for a long time. I had the points for a Grab but there weren’t many slots available. I was asked to go on a mission to retrieve Ella from The City. When she came onto the ship, I figured that was my chance to get what I wanted.”
“But?”
“But Ella and Raze were already in a relationship.”
“They were courting?”
“Basically,” he confirmed. “They met through Venom and Dizzy. Venom is Raze’s best friend, and Dizzy is Ella’s best friend. I guess it was love at first sight.”
“I’m sure Raze didn’t take it well when you stole his intended bride,” she said, thinking how angry her brother Jack would have been if a stranger had tried to steal Polly.
“He knocked me on the ground with a single punch,” Swift admitted sheepishly. “I was a sore loser about it.”
She sensed there was more to the story. He had the same look on his face that her brothers had when they were embarrassed to tell the truth. Gently, she prodded, “What does that mean?”
Swift stopped kneading, but kept his hands on the dough, squeezing it in his fingers. He finally met her curious gaze and seemed embarrassed as he reluctantly said, “I let the admiral chase Raze and Ella down and didn’t stop him when he demanded that Raze give her back to me. Ella informed us that she couldn’t have children and I….”
She waited for him to finish. When he didn’t, she asked, “You what?”
“I said I didn’t want her. I didn’t want a barren mate.”
“Swift! How could you?”
He winced. “I know! It was horrible of me.”
“That was cruel and nasty! And after you had just terrified her by trying to steal her?”
“I know,” he said, his voice low with regret. “I was so ashamed after that whole mess that I asked Orion to help me become a better man.”
“How?”
“For one, I stopped having sex. I was celibate from that day until you.”
Her eyes widened at that admission. “That must have been a long time.”
“It was.” He held her gaze, and she felt her whole body prickle with excitement at the look in his eye. “But it was worth it.”
When he looked at her like that, with naked lust, she believed all the things he had said about finding her attractive and desirable. She believed he wanted her, that she wasn’t a consolation prize. He chose me.
Realizing he was waiting for her to say something, she cleared her throat. “Whatever you did to change and better yourself must have worked. Ella wouldn’t have found me and told me you were a good man if you hadn’t.”
“She was probably worried someone else would tell you what I had done.”
“Yes,” she agreed.
Swift hesitated. “There’s something else.”
“What?” she asked, uncertain she wanted to know.
“Promise me you’ll let me finish before you scold me for being a terrible lowlife,” he pleaded.
“I will,” she promised, her chest tightening with dread.
“It’s not uncommon for mated men to offer to share their mates with higher-ranking bachelors. It’s a way to access perks or credits.”
“Swift,” she admonished with growing fear.
“I know. There’s no excuse for what I believed to be normal. It was always just a nameless, faceless woman in my mind when I justified the idea of trading.”
“Is that why you wanted Ella?” The sickening thought twisted her gut. “Because she’s so beautiful other men would want her?”
“It’s one of the reasons,” he admitted shamefully.
“Swift!”
He cringed. “There’s no excuse. I was an absolute asshole.”
She wasn’t comfortable using that word, but she agreed with the sentiment. Worried, she asked, “Do you intend to trade me?”
“No!” Swift abandoned the dough and placed a hand along her cheek. “No. Alys, I bought back all the future trades I had arranged. I wiped that slate clean when I went celibate. I learned and changed my way of thinking. I….”
“You?”
“Orion sat me down at the first discussion we had and asked me to think of my mother. He asked me to imagine her in the situation, and I understood what he meant. I wouldn’t want someone to treat my mother that way. What gave me the right to treat anyone else that way? What kind of man treats a woman like a pawn? Like a meal ticket?”
“A bad one,” she said, searching his face for any indication he wasn’t being truthful now.
“My father,” he said, and she finally understood. “My father was a horrible husband. He treated my mother like property. He was rough and mean. He did things to her and with her that made me sick. I didn’t know about a lot of them at the time. It wasn’t until I got older that I finally understood what kind of man he was—and it took Orion pointing out how I was following in his path to make me change.” Swift caressed her cheek with his thumb. “I don’t want to be my father, Alys. I don’t want you to fear me. I don’t want you to rejoice when I die.”
Sadly, Alys covered Swift’s hand with her own. “I think our mothers lived similar lives.”
Swift nodded. “Unfortunately.”
“I don’t want to be my parents, Swift. I don’t want that kind of marriage. I don’t want to be afraid of you, and I don’t want our children to be afraid of you.”
“I don’t want that either.”
“Your behavior back then was horrible, Swift.” She didn’t want to chastise and scold him like a child, but she couldn’t leave her feelings unspoken. “You were mean and cruel, and I don’t like that.”
“I can’t change my past, Alys. All I can do is live every day as a better man.”
“I’m holding you to that, Swift. I like you. A lot,” she added. “But I ran away from my family and my home because I couldn’t stomach the thought of living the rest of my life married to a nasty, mean old man. I came here with you to build a life together, a good life, but the first hint of your old behavior and I’m gone. I know my rights now.”