“Oakley,” I start, but he gives me a quick shake of his head and stops me.
“No. I didn’t get it. Back then, I thought you had the world and you should have been happy. But now I do get it, Travis. You’re meant for so much more. And this is what you wanted. You want college and traveling.” I swallow thickly, the action almost painful because my throat is clogged with so much emotion. “I’m not that guy. We both know I’m not.”
“Maybe I don’t need that.”
He offers me a sad smile that slices through my heart. “Maybe you do. You can’t go your whole life wondering. I love it here. Hell, I loved it in Kensley. I like sitting in my backyard on my porch swing, thinking about my next project and work on Monday. It’s enough for me.”
I want to tell him it’s enough for me too. But I’m not so sure, and I know he’d argue with me.
He brushes his hand over my cheek and presses a soft kiss against my lips. “You need to go. You deserve all the things you were thinking about when you looked sad in high school. When you were dreaming about something bigger.”
It doesn’t surprise me that he knows that’s what I was doing. It was. All the time. Every single day when I was doing my chores, listening in class, and suiting up for practice or games, I was thinking about what else was out there in that great big world. What it would be like to be an out and proud gay man.
To have a boyfriend and maybe even a husband. To walk around with them without anyone blinking an eye in our direction.
Where I wouldn’t have to hide a piece of me. Where I didn’t have to clean out barns and milk cows. Or spend my weekends selling corn at farmers’ markets.
I wanted that.
So badly.
“Go,” he whispers against my lips, and I realize I haven’t moved a muscle.
I stand up slowly and look down at him, noticing he looks just as sad as I feel.
I can’t say anything else. My voice is gone. I can’t tell him I don’t know if that’s what I want anymore. That I like sitting with him on this swing in his backyard.
I just force myself to walk away because he’s right. I need to go and see if that’s what I want.
I owe it to that sad kid in high school.
And I know I have to do this.
THIRTY
OAKLEY
“What the hell are you doing?”
Goddammit, I’m really not in the mood. Which is weird because I love hanging out with Garrison and have since we were little kids. “What do you mean?”
He walks through my backyard like he owns the place. And yes, I realize that’s funny for me to say since I do the same thing at his place all the time. But again, I’m really not in the mood.
Because Travis is probably on a date right now, and I’m here. In my backyard, scrolling through Pinterest.
“I mean why did you tell him to go on that damn date?”
Yup. Really not in the mood for this. “Go away.”
“No.” My pain-in-the-ass best friend sits right down next to me on the swing. “Why did you do that?”
“Why wouldn’t I? I knew he was talking to Ryan when we first started fooling around. I knew what this was.”
“You’re an idiot.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “And why is that?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen you so damn happy, and honestly, with you, that’s a big deal because you’ve always been happy.”
“I am happy.”
“No. You aren’t,” he says easily, which pisses me off.
“He needs to go on that date. I can’t give him what this Ryan guy can.” I hate the taste in my mouth, just saying that name.
“Oh, okay. So this is you, the most confident guy I’ve ever met, saying you don’t think you’re good enough? That doesn’t make sense, Oakley. That’s not you.”
“It’s not that I’m not good enough.” I’m a confident motherfucker. “It’s that I’m different from what he wants. I can’t give him that big-city bullshit. I hate cities. I hate sitting at a traffic light, just to get to another fucking traffic light. I want to drive across town and be able to avoid stop lights if I’m in the mood. Hell, I can even avoid stop signs if I really want to.”
He sighs deeply and swings his feet, kicking the grass. “You guys may not seem like a perfect match, but there’s no denying how happy you’ve both been together.”
My chest aches, thinking about the happiness I’ve felt with him. Just sitting and doing nothing—it’s still fun with him. Talking about projects and working next to him. It’s fun. But I still can’t help wondering if it’s just happy for now on his part. If he’s making good memories while he’s still dreaming of so much more.
I can’t do that to him. I can’t have him resent me.
“His whole life, he was told what to do and when he could do it. He’s been trying to break free since he was a kid.”
“You don’t hold him back.”
“If I’d have asked him not to go, it would have been me holding him back. I can’t do that. His parents did that to him his whole life.” I turn and look at Garrison. “You know, they wouldn’t even let him join the Scholar Bowl.”
“What the fuck is a Scholar Bowl?”
I laugh at that because I still don’t really know. “I don’t know—some competing smarts thing. But he wanted to do it, and they wouldn’t let him because they didn’t understand it.”
“Oak—”
“Stop,” I quickly silence him. “I may not understand wanting to go to college and living in a city, but that doesn’t make it wrong. I want him to have everything he wants.”
“So go with him,” he says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“I’d be miserable. We both know I would be.”
“As miserable as you are now?” He has a point. I haven’t been able to think about anything else other than Travis’s date with Ryan, and I’m pretty damn miserable.
“Maybe.”
He doesn’t look pleased. “You guys could work it out.”
“I don’t want him to settle, and I don’t want to live in the city. I hate sirens and stoplights. That’s all they have.”
He snorts a laugh and shakes his head. “They have more than that.”
I smile but still feel really sad. “I know, but I don’t want any part of it. I want to work in landscaping. I want to keep doing my projects on the side. I want to build a house from the ground up and sit in my swing, looking up at the stars every night. It’s simple.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“That’s what you have with Jameson.”
He can’t wipe the goofy smile off his face, even though I can tell he’s trying to. “It wasn’t that easy for us either. His father wanted him to be a farmer.”
“Yeah, but the thing is, he chose what he always wanted. He didn’t want the farm. He found his own way, Garrison.” I look up at the sky, the clouds blocking the sun and making me feel even more grumpy than I already did. “Travis needs to also. I can’t take that away from him.”