I feel a firm hand on my shoulder and hear him sigh. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Yeah, me too.”
My chest aches, and I feel sick—my stomach twisting in knots and telling me I’m doing the wrong thing—but my head has to be right.
He deserves this chance, no matter how much pain it may cause me.
Travis deserves the whole world.
THIRTY-ONE
TRAVIS
I can do this. It’s fine. I’m not thinking about Oakley.
And his dumb face. And his smile—his bright, beautiful smile—that he wasn’t wearing earlier today when I saw him. I’m not thinking about his laugh or how fucking strong he is in every way. Or the way he can make me laugh, which is not easy.
But it is for him.
It’s okay. I can do this. I want to do this.
And when Ryan hugs me, all happy and bright, I should feel happier than I ever have. Because he’s exactly what I pictured. He’s smaller, thin but not too thin. He has some muscle tone, but nothing like Oakley. I have no doubt Oakley could bench press him, no problem.
No. Stop thinking about Oakley.
Ryan’s beautiful, just like his picture. Maybe even more so in person. And he has a bright smile as he pulls back and looks me over. “Wow. You’re even hotter in person.”
I smile politely at that. “Thank you. You are too.”
He beams happily. “Should we maybe walk to get something to eat?” We’re just outside of his dorm, and he points down the street toward a cluster of businesses. “It’s not far.”
“Yeah. That sounds good.” But it really doesn’t. I keep picturing Oakley on that damn swing, all alone in his backyard.
We start walking, and I have no idea what to say. This should make me happy. We’re walking in a busy college town, down the sidewalk, and I can see so many restaurants and shops in the distance. There are cars and people everywhere.
It’s a new experience, that’s for damn sure, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good.
“I’m sorry about my text, by the way.”
I stop for a minute, and he does the same as I face him. “Why?”
He shrugs, looking a little sheepish. “Because it probably wasn’t fair to give you an ultimatum like that, but I really wanted to meet you.”
“No, it’s fine. I mean, you shouldn’t apologize. I was the one dragging my feet.”
“Why is that?” He gives me a flirty little grin and starts walking again, waiting for me to answer.
“I don’t know exactly.” Well, I kind of do. At first, it was because I didn’t feel good enough. But then, I don’t know. I think I got lost in Oakley.
“Oh, this is my favorite place. We should go here.” He points to what looks like a cute little café, and I agree. We go in and are seated by the window with menus before he immediately starts back where we left off in the conversation. “You don’t know why you didn’t want to meet me?” He says it lightly but pouts a little.
“I’m not in college.”
He waves that off easily. “That’s okay. I love that you’re a big, buff landscaper.” He takes a sip from the water the waitress brought over to the table. “It’s hot.”
I smile at that, but it doesn’t feel right. “Yeah well, I always wanted to go to college. I loved school.”
“Well, you can go to college too. Just don’t lose those muscles.” He winks at me, and I know he’s teasing, but again, something isn’t clicking.
“Do you like school?” I want to learn more about him. I need to really put effort into this, damn it, even if I’m not feeling it.
“Yeah, it’s great. There’s so much to do and always stuff going on. The weekends are the most fun. They have these great house parties.”
“And the classes?”
“They’re fun too,” he says with a smile, giving his order to the waitress, and I do the same. But I feel like I’m on autopilot.
“What made you text me last night?” I ask bluntly because we hadn’t talked for a couple of months.
A slight blush pinkens his cheeks, and he looks a little embarrassed. “Honestly, my best friend, Jules. I talk about you a lot. Like way too much, I’m sure.” He moves his hands when he talks, and it’s fairly entertaining. “Anyway, we were at one of those house parties last night and drinking probably a little too much, and I kept whining about how you never want to meet me. So Jules took my phone and typed out that message.”
I blink at him. “So it wasn’t even you?”
“No. I mean yes. He wrote it, but I sent it because he was right. I kind of have a one-track mind, and I couldn’t think about anyone else, knowing you were out there. I wanted to meet you and see if the sparks flew.”
“Wait, you haven’t like . . .” I don’t know how to ask him what I want to, but he fills in the blanks.
“Been with anyone since we started talking?” I nod, my heart racing while I wait for his answer. “No. I think I had this whole fairytale in my head, and I just couldn’t.”
“But we weren’t dating or anything. We were just talking.” I don’t know why it’s important for me to say that. Maybe I feel a little guilty, but it’s true. We never talked about dating or being exclusive. We talked about maybe meeting up, but I always put it off.
He smiles shyly. “Yeah, I know. I’m guessing you didn’t have the same problem.”
“I uh . . .”
He waves that off. “It’s okay. You’re right. We weren’t dating or anything. I just really liked our conversations. You’re easy to talk to.”
“I . . .”—apparently can’t come up with words.
“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” he asks me with no accusation or malice in his tone. But he wants to know, and he deserves to.
“Yeah. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Not that it was wrong or anything, but I don’t need to upset Ryan by going into the fact that what we had was nothing more than a few messages here and there.
“I do this sometimes. Build things up.”
“I’m sorry.”
He just smiles big and bright. “It’s okay. Now I know, and I can move on. Get my big, burly jock someday.”
Holy shit. Is that what I was to him?
He’d lose it if he saw Oakley.
“I’m glad we did this though. Thank you for giving me that push.”
“No problem, and if things don’t work out with your guy, you can always give me a call.”
I laugh at that, but the thought of things not working out with Oakley makes me feel sick and totally not okay.
I don’t know if he wants me that way, but I want him.
I have no idea how the hell that happened, but I’m not going to fight it.
I guess we really don’t get a say in how things go all that often. I spent so damn long wanting this, in a town like this. But now, I’m sitting here waiting for this dinner to be over so I can drive my ass back to the small town where Oakley calls home.
That’s somehow become my home too.