“I’ve been planning our dates based on things I thought you might like just because you’re gay,” Harrison admitted in a quiet tone. “Shit. That sounds so much worse when I say it out loud.”
I struggled to hold back my laughter. “So, what? You really think that I spend all my free time at musicals and drag shows?”
“I don’t know.” Harrison sighed. “I’m sorry, Morgan. I didn’t mean to paint you out as some kind of stereotype. I was just trying to impress you. That’s all. I just didn’t want you to think that I was uncultured or whatever.”
“I don’t think you’re uncultured.” I beamed. “Actually, I think it’s really sweet that you would go through all that trouble of finding the gayest things to do in the city, just for my sake. But at least now, you can stop pretending like you’re having a good time when we go out.”
“I’m not pretending like I’m having a good time,” Harrison said. “I liked all of the things we went to.”
“Even the ice cream social?” I couldn’t hide my disbelief. “They played Cher the whole time.”
Harrison shrugged. “I don’t mind Cher.”
I was taken aback by his response. “Harrison… are you sure that you’re… straight?”
“I… don’t know anymore,” Harrison murmured. “I thought I was straight until I met you. But it’s so confusing because I don’t think I like anyone else the way that I like you, Morgan. It’s like… you’re the only guy I see. And it’s been like that since the day we met.”
It’s been like that for me, too, Harrison.
You’re the only guy I see, too.
I kept my thoughts to myself. “Well, that doesn’t mean that you’re not… you know. It just means that you haven’t met anyone else you like yet.”
“Does there have to be someone else? Isn’t one guy enough to prove that I’m officially batting for the other team?”
“I think you’re the only one who gets to make that call.” I smiled. “And whatever you figure out for yourself, that’s the only truth you have to live up to.”
“How did you know?” Harrison asked. “That you weren’t straight?”
“How did I know?” I hummed before I answered. “Prom night.”
“What happened on prom night?”
“Nicole Washington happened on prom night.” I chuckled. “She was co-captain of the cheerleading team, and she’d had her sights on me since freshman year, apparently. Which really made no sense. You’d think she would’ve gone for a football player or a guy on the basketball team, but no, she wanted me, the kid who worked the lights for all the school’s theater productions.”
“Ah, so that’s why you hate bad musicals,” Harrison guessed. “Because you worked so many of them when you were in high school.”
“Ding, ding, ding.” I laughed before I went back to the story. “Anyway, there was this rumor going around school that she wanted me to ask her to prom. And, of course, I did, because there was a bunch of peer pressure and I didn’t want to seem like an asshole—”
“How did you ask her to prom?”
“Like this,” I said, dropping down on one knee in front of Harrison. I cleared my throat before launching into my best impression of myself as a nervous teenager. “Nicole Washington, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. And I know you could go to prom with any guy in the whole school, but if you go with me, I promise to make you feel like a princess until the last corny song plays over the gym’s shitty speakers.” I laughed again as I looked up at Harrison.
But he wasn’t laughing. Instead, he was staring down at me, his expression completely unreadable.
I shot back up to my feet, not wanting to make things any more awkward than they currently felt. “But yeah. Surprise, surprise, she said yes to that. And on prom night, I was taking her back home and she asked me to pull over into this hotel’s parking lot. She told me that she got us a room for the night, and her parents thought she’d be staying over at a friend’s house, anyway, so if I wanted to come upstairs with her, I could.”
I shook my head at the rest of the memory. “I told her I wasn’t interested, and she completely lost it. She screamed at me, told me that she didn’t understand, that there were guys lined up around the block to hook up with her that night. How could I say no? How could I ever turn her down? And then, she told me that I must be gay or something, and I realized that she was right. I was gay.”
“Or something.” Harrison smiled.
“Or something,” I repeated, with a smile on my face. “But if you would’ve asked me before that night, I would’ve said that I was straight. Not because I was ever interested in girls, though. It just felt like the default, my only option. But honestly? Deep down, I always kind of knew that I was into guys.”
“I just wish there was a handbook or something.” Harrison sighed. “Seriously. I don’t know how anyone does it without one. I thought going to those events with you was going to help me figure it out, but it’s like I’m more confused than ever.”
“Hey,” I said as I took a step closer to Harrison. I rested my hands on his shoulders before I spoke again. “It’s okay to be confused. Figuring out who you are isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. And you should feel free to take as much time as you need.”
“Really?” Harrison seemed skeptical. “I’m not just offending everybody by thinking I’m gay when I might still be a straight guy, after all?”
“Who is this imaginary audience that’s watching you all the time?” I chuckled. “That’s just in your head. I promise. No one is going to fault you for exploring your sexuality, least of all me.”
“I just don’t want you to feel like you’re an experiment,” Harrison whispered as he pressed his forehead close to mine.
“Do you think of me as an experiment?”
“No.”
“Then, I don’t feel like an experiment,” I replied. “And even if this is just a phase, I’m happy that you decided to share part of this phase with me. And when you do eventually settle down and get married to a woman, I’ll be just as happy to give a toast as one of your groomsmen where I tell everyone at the ceremony that you and I used to hook up back in the day.”
Harrison feigned an insulted gasp. “You wouldn’t.”
“Oh, I would. I definitely would.” I laughed.
But my laughter didn’t last long as Harrison’s lips crashed against mine, stifling the sound from my mouth. Harrison’s kiss was urgent yet filled with tenderness as if our time was running out, but he didn’t want to show it.
But our time was running out. And it didn’t matter how good it felt to be kissed by Harrison, or how happy I felt in his arms.
We were never built to last.
And pretending like we weren’t on a sinking ship wasn’t going to do either of us any favors. Once I came to my senses, I broke off the kiss. Harrison looked like he was hurt by the action, but I played it off with a smile.