I nod. “Tell me about it.”
“So, one more card?”
I nod again, draw in a deep breath, and choose my third card.
The empress.
The card representing the mother.
My mother.
But then I cock my head.
Not my mother. I’m doing this drawing for my father. So this card represents not my mother but his.
And it represents the future.
“This doesn’t make sense,” I say.
“Tell me what you see.”
“The card is the empress, which is mostly associated with the mother. But I’m doing this drawing for my father.”
“Which means…”
“I feel very strongly that this card represents his mother.”
“But his mother is dead.”
“I know. But this card represents the future. And I’m not getting any feelings that this card has anything to do with a dead person.” Invisible insects gnaw at my neck. “In fact… I almost feel like…”
“Like what?”
I search for words as I search for meaning.
But the words don’t come even as the meaning does.
Chills skitter over my flesh. “I’m not sure. Is it possible my grandmother isn’t dead?”
“How old was your grandmother when she had Joe?”
“Really young. Nineteen, I think.”
“And Joe is how old? Sixty-three?”
“Yes.”
“So that would make your grandmother eighty-two if she were alive. Many people live to be eighty-two.”
“I know, but she’s not alive. I don’t feel her. And that’s the strangest thing. I don’t feel her at all.”
“But you never knew her.”
“No, I didn’t. But as I was drawing these cards for the reading, I felt my connection to my father.”
“Of course. He’s your father. You know him.”
I bite my lip, fiddle with my lip ring. “I’m not explaining this very well. What I mean is, I could feel his blood in my veins. I don’t feel that with my grandmother.”
“I think you’re maybe reading too much into this, Ava.” Brendan places his hand on my forearm. “It’s difficult to feel someone when you’ve never met her. When she died before you were born.”
“I know you don’t believe in the kind of divination that I practice, but I believe that we get a lot of our power—our energy—from our ancestors. That they live through us, and not just in our physical characteristics and genetics. But in our souls. In transferred memories.”
“I’m afraid you’ve lost me.”
“It’s not something I talk about a lot, but I’ve always believed that our ancestors continue to live through us, more than just in our memories.”
“But you can’t have any memories of someone you never knew.”
“That’s precisely my point, Brendan. I never knew my grandmother, but I should be able to feel some connection. I don’t feel her at all.”
He wrinkles his brow. “Do you feel your grandfather? Her husband?”
“I do. And it’s nothing I can put into words, but I know he’s in me.”
“What about your mother’s parents?”
“That’s something I’ve suppressed, for my grandfather, I mean.”
“Why?”
“I knew my grandmother, and I feel her very strongly. But my grandfather… I haven’t thought of this since I was a little girl.”
“What, baby?”
“I had a dream once about my grandfather. I dreamed that he came after me with a knife.”
Brendan’s jaw drops.
“My mother came and comforted me that night, and I told her about the dark-haired and dark-eyed man who chased me in my dreams, telling me he was my grandpa.”
“What did your mother tell you?”
“She said it was a nightmare. That I needed to go back to sleep and that I was perfectly safe in our house. I believed her. I never had that nightmare again. But I did feel a connection to him—a dark connection. I didn’t like the feeling, so I suppressed it.”
“So you never knew your grandfather on your mother’s side?”
“No, he also died before I was born. The only thing my mother has ever said about him is that he was Greek. Other than that, she doesn’t talk about him, and because we always had such a happy life, neither Gina nor I ever insisted that she elaborate. After that nightmare, I preferred to forget about him anyway.”
Brendan traces his finger over my forearm.
“But I’m getting ahead of myself,” I say. “This reading is about my father, about what’s happening now. Not about my mother and her ancestors.”
“Family is family,” Brendan says.
“True, but I was thinking specifically of my father when I drew these cards, so that’s what I must concentrate on to make sense of them as a whole.”
“All right. So what are you getting as a whole, then?”
“I don’t know. I feel that my parents’ marriage was strong. It is strong. I don’t think that’s the issue at all. What I feel more than anything is that they’ve excluded Gina and me from something. Whatever it is, it has to do with our family and our fortune and my father’s mother. But still… I can’t feel the woman. And if this card is referring to my father’s mother, I should be able to feel her.”
“Think about your father’s mother,” Brendan says. “Don’t think of her as Daphne Steel. Think of her as an extension of you and of your father. Maybe you’ll feel her then.”
I regard Brendan, his raw masculinity, my sea warrior. He has more intuition than he gives himself credit for. Then I suppress a chuckle. He gives himself a lot of credit for intuition. He would say it’s what bartenders do.
I close my eyes, concentrate on the cards, and I concentrate on my father and his mother.
I feel maternal instinct. I feel my maternity very strongly, but I have to ease past that, into my paternity, and look for maternity from there.
My father’s love surrounds me, envelops me. He would do anything for Gina and me. He’s a loving father, a kind father, a father who will protect us at all costs, and…
He has a mother who feels the same way about him.
I jerk my eyes open.
Chapter Sixteen
Brendan
Ava’s eyes are wide, and there’s a look of almost—is it terror?—on her face.
I squeeze her forearm. “Baby?”
“I felt her. I felt my grandmother. My father’s mother.”
“Good.”
“I felt like… My God, Brendan. It was like a dark cloud. Maternal love, yes, but a dark cloud.”
“I’m trying to understand, Ava.”
Her lips tremble slightly, and her cheeks lose some of their rosiness. “I’m not sure I can explain it any better.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay. Just don’t let it consume you.”
She nods. “I won’t. I learned my lesson earlier. No more panic for me. But I’m glad I made myself aware of that, because if I hadn’t, I’d be panicking now.”