“A panic attack isn’t anything to be concerned about,” I say. “You heard the doctor. A lot of people have them.”
“I don’t know. They drugged my dad pretty well earlier.”
“They did, but your dad’s symptoms were a lot worse than yours.”
“True.”
I hand her the remote control. “Do you want to watch some TV while we wait?”
“No, I think I just want to close my eyes. I don’t want any drugs, but part of me wishes I could have whatever they dosed my dad up with.”
“It was probably Valium.”
“Yeah, probably.”
She sets the remote control back down. “I want to try to sleep.”
“All right. I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Fifteen
Ava
I’m running…
Running from the falling rubble as the tower burns in the background.
My heart races as I run…
Run, run, run…
Until—
“Ava.”
My eyes pop open.
For a moment, I don’t know where I am, until I remember the panic attack, the ER, the hospital.
“The doctor’s back. He has your blood test results.”
Right. The doctor. The young man with brown hair and brown eyes and wearing green scrubs.
“Excellent news, Ms. Steel. All your labs look great. There’s no reason for you to stay here. But if you do have another panic attack, I want you to see your primary care physician. He or she will be able to help you.”
“I’ve never had a panic attack before,” I say. “I don’t plan to have any more of them.”
“That’s a great attitude,” Dr. Tonaki says, “and chances are, this will be your one and only panic attack. But just in case it’s not, please do seek medical treatment. I’m not necessarily talking about medication. Therapy is often very helpful with anxiety.”
I open my mouth but then close it.
I really don’t have anything to say.
I don’t think I’ll have another panic attack, but if I do, I will speak to Aunt Melanie.
“Are we free to go, then?” Brendan asks.
“You are.” Dr. Tonaki signs some documents and then leaves the room.
Brendan helps me get dressed, and then we head out to the car. It’s early Sunday morning, and he has to open the bar the next day. At least the bakery will be closed, so I don’t need to work until Monday.
I’m silent during the drive home, but I don’t sleep.
I don’t want the nightmare of running from the tower again.
But I can’t run from sleep forever. I have to accept the fact that my life may be changing. I can do that. I’m a strong person. I’ve always been a strong person.
And I have Brendan. I’m not the kind of woman who ever thought she needed a man for strength, but it’s nice to have him anyway. Having someone to lean on is never a bad thing.
Brendan parks in the alley behind the bar and then walks me to my place.
“I thought you might like to sleep in your own bed tonight.”
“I would, but I would like you lying next to me.”
“All right. But I want you to sleep. Nothing else.”
“Brendan, I’m so exhausted right now, I can’t even think about anything else.”
My eyes open to the sun streaming through my window. We get over three hundred days of sunshine per year in Colorado. This year we had a little bit of snow in mid-October, but so far that’s it. The weather reverted to an Indian summer, and I’m enjoying it immensely.
I reach toward Brendan, but—
I sit up in bed. “Brendan?”
He walks into the bedroom. “I’m here. Just making some coffee. You want some breakfast?”
Do I? After everything that went on, how can I possibly eat?
“Do I even have anything in the refrigerator?”
“A few eggs. And of course some bread.” He smiles.
“Eggs and toast. Sounds good. I’ll make it.” I pull my covers back.
“No, baby. You stay right there. I’ll make it.”
I rise from bed anyway and pad toward the bathroom. “I’m not the kind of person to stay in bed, even after the kind of night we had. I’m sorry to put you through that, Brendan.”
“Sweetheart, you didn’t put me through anything. I am here for you, no matter what happens. Anyone in your situation would’ve reacted the same way.”
“Yeah, true. But I know it won’t happen again. Dr. Tonaki doesn’t have to worry about me. That was my first and last panic attack.”
“I hope you’re right.” He smiles. “I’ll get breakfast ready.”
After I go to the bathroom, I throw my robe on and walk to the kitchen.
On the table…
The card…
The tower…
The tower has been my whole problem since I drew the damned card.
I pick it up, replace it in the deck, shuffle. Then I wrap the deck in my grandmother’s scarf and place it back in the wooden box.
I wait then. I wait for the sensation of relief that I’m expecting once the card is gone.
It doesn’t come.
I inhale deeply. Let it go. Just let it all go.
Perhaps my father had a point, stoned though he was. Maybe I need to let it go. The tower doesn’t have to take me over. So I didn’t feel a sense of relief. I’ll let it go anyway.
Brendan brings me a plate of eggs and toast and a cup of coffee. “So you finally put it away.”
“Yeah. I think that card was my whole problem, Brendan.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Not the fact that I drew it but the fact that I couldn’t put it away. That I let it consume me. It doesn’t have to consume me.”
“Absolutely,” he says. “It does not have to consume you. Nothing has to consume you. Except me, of course.” He gives me a corny wink.
“I think maybe it’s time to draw another card. After breakfast.”
“Yeah. Maybe you should draw one for both of us.”
“I’d be happy to. What time do you need to get over to the bar?”
“By noon. It’s ten thirty now.”
“Okay.” I sigh. “The whole town is probably talking about my father. And about me.”
“They’re not talking about you, baby. I made sure I got you out of the bar without anyone seeing.”
“How in the world did you accomplish that?”
“I’m Houdini.” He winks again.
“Seriously…”
“There’s another staircase from my apartment that leads to the storeroom. It comes to the back of my closet. It used to be boarded up, but when I had my apartment redone, I told the contractor to make it accessible. Now I know why.”
“To sneak your girlfriend out when she’s having a panic attack?”
“I just thought it might come in handy, and it did. No one saw us leave. And once we got to the hospital, I texted Laney to let her know I wouldn’t be back in for the rest of the night.”
“You’re something else, Brendan Murphy.”