She stared at him, so handsome, so gentle when she needed him to be. There was a flutter in her chest and it wasn’t of mere desire. No, it was much worse. Something far more terrifying. She pushed it away with all her might and turned away from him.
“Reckless,” she said. “I have been so reckless from the moment I agreed to this affair with you. In my position? With all I have to lose?”
He moved toward her and she took a step back on instinct. He stopped immediately, his light brown eyes searching her face, and she feared they saw some of the truth she was so desperately trying to hide.
“I won’t let you lose,” he promised.
She shook her head. “You can’t promise that.”
He was quiet a moment, his head bent. “This is not the time to discuss this,” he said at last. “I think it will require more care and time than what we have to give to it tonight. May I call on you tomorrow?”
She caught her breath. If he came into her space, she knew what would happen. And if he didn’t like what she said, she also knew she would be trapped until he could be convinced to leave.
“I’ll call on you,” she said softly.
“Very well.”
She moved past him. “We should return. I’ll go first. Will you wait a few moments, please? Perhaps you’re right that everyone will have already guessed what we were doing, but I’d like it not to be entirely obvious.”
She didn’t wait for his response, just slipped from the room. And hoped that she could find some way to regain control of herself before she was alone with him again.
Callum sat in Theo’s study long after Valaria and her friends had departed for the night. He had a whisky clenched in his hand, but he had not sipped it. He just stared into the fire and thought about…well, he thought about everything.
Theo entered the room and Callum glanced up at his friend. For a moment Theo hesitated, then closed the door. “What the hell happened, Callum?”
He sighed. “Nothing good. No, that’s not true. Everything good. And then nothing good.”
“It seems so.” Theo poured his own drink and then came to sit in the chair next to Callum’s. His friend pondered him closely. “The night was going well. There was laughter and music and I thought we were giving the duchess a glimpse at what a future could look like. But then you two snuck off together, and when you returned, the funeral pallor came crashing down.”
“She’s going to end things with me,” Callum said, and nearly choked on the words.
Theo’s eyes went wide. “What? How do you know?”
“Because she clearly intended to do so tonight,” he said. “Until I convinced her we needed more time to discuss it. But tomorrow she’ll come to me and she will tell me this was a mistake. And she’s stubborn enough that I fear there will be no talking her out of it.”
His friend was quiet a long moment before he downed half his drink. “And that’s a problem because you’re in love with her.”
Callum shifted. And there it was. The thing he had begun to realize and tried to pretend wasn’t true. Spelled out by Theo, of all people, who didn’t even like to say the word. “You see that, do you?”
Theo nodded. “Yes. Even I can see it, and you know I’m not entirely certain such an emotion exists. But if it does, it is in your eyes.”
“I suppose,” Callum said softly. “That I was always in love with her in some way. From the moment Silas introduced us, I started falling in love with her. And I hid it, even from myself, because he was one of my closest friends. But he’s dead now. And it turns out he was a bastard in every word and deed. And the moment I’m with her, I can’t deny what it does to me. The moment I’m not with her, I can’t stop thinking about her. The closer I get, the further I fall.”
“Oof, that sounds like a terrible malady,” Theo said, but there was no teasing to his voice.
“And yet I suffer it willingly,” Callum replied, setting his still untouched drink aside. “The pain is worth the pleasure any moment I’m near her. So what do I do, Theo? What do I do with that if she cannot allow me close? If she will walk away rather than risk any part of herself.”
“I don’t know,” Theo said slowly. “I have never been of a mind that a person was worth suffering for. Perhaps that is a failing.” His expression fell a little, then he shook his head. “What can I do for you?”
“Nothing, I fear,” Callum said. “In the end, only Valaria can decide what she is willing to receive. What she is willing to risk. It’s obvious from her panic that she will guard herself, even to her own detriment. And I can’t take away her choice. I think Silas did that more than enough already.”
“You love her enough to let her go.”
Callum flinched. “If I love her, then I must, if she won’t accept whatever I offer.”
“I’m sorry,” Theo said. “For what it’s worth. And I hope you’ll come here after you talk to her if things don’t go your way and we can drink until it all fades.”
Callum smiled, though it was pained. “My friend, if things don’t go my way tomorrow, I’m not sure there’s enough alcohol in this country to make it fade. But I will turn to you, I promise. I’ll need to.”
“Then let’s drink to the best outcome for you both,” Theo said, and lifted his glass. Callum swept his own back up and they clinked them together. But as he took a slow sip, he tried not to think too hard about what might happen tomorrow.
And how he could lose what he recognized was everything to him.
CHAPTER 17
Valaria’s hands shook as she looked at herself in her mirror mounted above the fireplace in her parlor the next day. She hated what she saw. She was pale and made paler by the stark black of her mourning gown. Her eyes looked haunted, there were circles under them that showed she hadn’t slept at all the night before. She looked haggard.
She felt haggard. It was like all her armor had been stripped away. When she went to Callum’s, he would see that.
“Bollocks,” she muttered.
“That doesn’t sound promising.”
She turned toward the door and found that Bernadette was standing there, a bonnet in her hand.
“Good afternoon,” Valaria said, trying to make her voice light. “I didn’t expect you.”
“I didn’t let you know I was going to call,” Bernadette said as she entered the room and held up the hat. “I’m returning this. Thank you so much for loaning it to me.”
Valaria wrinkled her brow. “I loaned it to you a week ago. Were you coming to check on me?”
Bernadette blushed as she set the bonnet down on a nearby table. “I was coming to check on you. You were so quiet when you returned to the parlor last night and all the way home in the carriage. I’ve been worried about you, Valaria.”
“I suppose you should be,” Valaria admitted on a sigh. “I know I’ve been odd. I wish I could explain it.”
“Does it have to do with…with Callum?” Bernadette asked softly, pink filling her cheeks.