Okay, maybe not ever, but for the first time since I had a crush on him. Ever since I realized I liked him, I paid attention to every single thing he did in front of me. And he had never done that. I was glad he hadn’t. Even though it felt like someone took my organs out of my body one by one, every time I saw him kiss a girl, I could never touch him.
Tyler examined the keychain with a frown and I rushed to explain.
“It’s a going away present. The golden poppy is our state flower and since you’re moving to another state, I thought you would want something to remind you of…home.”
What I really wanted was for him to take a piece of me and carry it always. Something that will remind him of me.
Tyler looked at me with that same frown he examined the keychain a moment ago. I swallowed hard, waiting for his reaction.
“Did you make it?”
“No,” I lied without even blinking. “I bought it in a souvenir shop.”
He tossed the keychain in the air and caught it when it fell down again.
“I don’t want anything to remind me of home.”
“Oh,” I gasped out, regret washing over me like a wave. Regret I stepped foot in the house that day. Regret I made the keychain. I reached over and took it from his hand, turning around to leave. A second later his hand caught me by the wrist. I froze to the spot, but he didn’t let go.
Erasing the space between us, he took my palm in his hands and opened it. He took the keychain, then moved over to his desk, grabbed his keys, and put them on it. Then he looked at me. I saw the pity in his eyes. He had figured it out. My presence in his room. My gift for him.
“Thank you,” he said to me with a gentle smile.
“You are welcome.” I said, ashamed that he knew how I felt. “I should go.” But I didn’t move. I felt like his gaze was pinning me to the spot.
“What parting gift could I give you, little Spencer?”
I wanted to tell him not to leave, but even at fourteen, I knew it would be a ridiculous request. So I didn’t say anything.
He approached me slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. Our bodies almost touched. I exhaled sharply.
“Breathe, Hannah.”
Then his lips touched mine. I felt my heartbeat in every vein inside my body. Thousands of butterflies were bumping into my body from the inside, trying to crack it open and get out. I lifted my head up instinctively, chasing his mouth, but he kept the kiss innocent. Sweet. And brief.
He took a step back. I knew what that kiss meant for him. Nothing. He didn’t feel anything for me. Except pity. It was a gesture. A friendly gesture, not a romantic one. It felt like he cut my heart in two.
Now I got why people always talked about their hearts. You could survive on shallow breaths. A heart in pieces was a different story.
“Your hair is like sunshine,” he took a lock of it, then slowly pulled his hand back to him, letting my hair fall off his fingertips. “You will find someone who can feel something for you, Hannah. I am not that guy.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tyler
The present
My phone finally rang around five in the afternoon. I pretended I hadn’t waited for that to happen for the past two hours, and I managed to control myself enough and not pick up the second my screen lit up. I finished my pushups, then answered the call.
“Hey,” I feigned nonchalance.
“Hi,” she yawned. “Do you want to come over?”
I didn’t remember the last time I wanted something as much as I wanted to go over to her place.
I kept that thought to myself.
Not only because I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression something more than sex was happening between us, but also because I didn’t know how to voice out all those types of…feelings I currently had without making it more than just sex.
“Are you sure?” I asked. “You sound tired.”
“I am. But if you come over now, I will be asleep and you will be back at the bar by eight. It’s a win-win situation.”
“How do you know I am at the bar?”
“A hunch.”
Say no. You are fuck buddies. You saw her less than ten hours ago.
I had never seen a fuck buddy more than once every two or three days and I was deep in the criminal category, which I knew would be a deal-breaker for her. But I wanted her more than I ever wanted another woman. I craved the brightness that followed her everywhere she went.
What was one more deliberate mistake on my already abused conscience?
“I’ll come over.” I stood up and straightened my back. The right thing to do was to kill our arrangement, but I didn’t trust myself to follow through and break it off. “We have to talk about something,” I said just because I knew I had to do it and there was no way I was doing it over the phone either.
Twenty minutes later I stood in front of Hannah’s apartment. She opened it wearing shorts and a tank top that resembled pajamas.
“That was fast.” She sounded surprised.
“Is it eight already?” I teased her about the clothes she was wearing.
She laughed, but it wasn’t her usual cheery energetic laughter. The one that made me want to turn myself into her own personal clown, just so that I never stop hearing that sound.
“Can I come in?” I asked and she moved away from the door, inviting me in. I walked into her living room and took a quick look around. “You haven’t changed a lot.”
Hannah snorted. “As if you saw anything the last time you were here.”
I turned to face her. “Oh, I saw plenty.”
“When?” She crossed her arms over her chest, which only drew my attention to how her breasts looked in that tank top. Delicious by the way. “I don’t remember giving you a tour. We went straight to my bedroom.”
I cocked my head sideways and smiled at her. “Come on, little Spencer. I know you are tired, but it’s not that hard.” She squinted, then her brows shot up when she figured it out.
“You snooped around before you left?”
“I wouldn’t call it snooping. I just looked around.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea, if I have to be honest.”
“I always imagined you just woke up and ran out.”
I shook my head. We stared at each other, a safe few steps’ distance between us. I was vaguely aware this conversation wasn’t leading to the end of our arrangement. And instead of thinking how to end it and leave, I found myself wanting to stay here. In that colorful bubble she lived in.
She strolled over to me, a gentle smile curving her lips.
“It’s different this time. I know you will leave. I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“In love with me?” I asked with a snort. She cocked her head sideways and examined my face.
“Yes. I was in love with you. For an embarrassingly long time.”
I heard the words she said, but I couldn’t wrap my head around the notion behind them.
“Why the hell would you be in love with me?” The question came out with an accusatory tone, but Hannah just smiled at me.
“Are you offended?” She asked and I shot her a warning look. “Remember the keychain? When I gave it to you, I told you I had bought it. That was a lie. I made it. I had a crush on you since I was twelve. The moment I realized you were moving, I just…I wanted to give you something to remember me by. I was terrified you would forget about my existence.”