It’s when she finally releases me and backs away that I realize it’s my heart. Because in this moment, it stops beating altogether, a silence so loud, so ear-splitting, I hear every tiny fissure that splinters all the parts of me Rosie and Connor made whole again.
Rosie backs into her apartment, and right before she disappears, she whispers the three words I’ll cling to until she comes back to me.
“I’ll see you.”
CHAPTER 24
STARDUST LANE
ROSIE
I’m certain these hands have never felt something so soft as these waves, fine blond wisps scattered across Connor’s forehead. They’re perfect in every way, this sign of innocence I hope never fades away.
I run my fingers through the wisps, brushing them off his temple, sweeping my thumb over the apple of his cheek, where it’s just as soft as his hair.
And yet, I can’t help but remember the roughness of Adam’s calloused palms as they grip mine, the way they scrape down my sides, grab my hips, and pull me against him. They’re soft in a different way, drifting down the curve of my spine while I lie wrapped up in him, twining through my hair, the pad of his thumb running over the dimple in my chin before he presses his lips to mine.
And I miss him. Miss the way he makes me feel so savagely needed while so utterly treasured with the simple sweep of his gaze over my body, the touch of his hands. So passionately loved with the quiet, sure words he presses against my ear.
He’s everything soft and gentle, greedy in only the warmest way. A man who’s happy with everything he has, yet insatiable, a feral need to keep his happiness tight within his grasp, unwilling to let it stray.
I saw it last week in his gaze, the reluctance to give me what I needed. Time to think, space to breathe. He didn’t want to give it to me, but like he said then, he’d give me anything I asked for.
But all I’ve ever asked for is him.
I’ve spent this past week searching for clarity, but I’m not sure my brain has gotten any less foggy.
One part of the why is clear. It’s written in every headline that mentions Adam’s superstar status as a goalie in the NHL, how much money he’s worth. Every headline that violates his right to privacy when it posts a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend, speculates the reason of their breakup, the unwanted pictures of him on date after date, wondering which girl will be the lucky one to finally nail down the NHL’s most desirable and available heartthrob. It’s clear Adam had a difficult time knowing which relationships were genuine and which were self-serving, and I can’t imagine how challenging that would be to navigate with the severe lack of privacy this man has.
But the other part of the why , the part that lied to me, it wonders why, after all the time spent together, learning each other, loving on each other, he still didn’t feel safe enough with me to trust me. To choose me to share all of himself with.
All the horrible insecurities I’ve spent years fighting try to claw through my mind, and at the forefront is that I’ve never been anyone’s first choice. That not a single person has looked at me and seen the possibility of forever, a certain permanence that comes with a chosen family, an unconditional love I’ve spent my life chasing.
Deceit doesn’t speak of permanence. Beyond the intentional pain inflicted by the twist of the knife lodged in your back, is the emotional turmoil of being only a fleeting moment in someone’s life. Because lies are never forever, and I can’t understand the point of them with someone you intend to keep in your life.
Despite the fears that have sunk their teeth into my bones over the years, I pride myself on never having given up hope on finding my people. It’s not always benefited me, like the time I spent trying to force something to work with Brandon just to be a family. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about putting myself in a position where I’m repeating history. There’s not an inch of me that has ever been worried about that with Adam.
Until last week, when the life he’d been hiding from me was thrust in my face.
“Rosie?”
My gaze snaps to Eva, waiting in the doorway to her office. Her smile is easy; I wish I could appreciate it more.
“Thanks so much for coming in again last minute.” She waves me inside, pouting at Connor as I carry him past her. “Sleeping?”
“We spent the morning at the park, and one of the day camps was going on a trip, so Connor wanted to watch all the buses drive off.” I don’t tell her that he asked for Dada and Bear twenty times over after he found Adam’s hat in my bag. I don’t tell her that he put the baseball cap on his head and toddled around saying Dada hat. And I don’t tell her that when Connor took his first bite of his peanut butter and banana sandwich, then held it up and asked for Dada again, wanting to share his sandwich with him like he always does, the first tear broke free.
“Sounds like a fun day so far.”
Thrilling.
At least there’s no mascara left on my lashes for when I cry again at the reminder Eva’s about to give me about my future being delayed another year. Hell, maybe she’ll tell me they can’t hold my spot anymore, not two years in a row. To figure it out and get the money together in four days so I can start next week, or give up my spot in the program altogether.
I’m going through a bit of a pessimistic period right now, if you can believe it, so when Eva called this morning and asked me to come in for another chat, I was pretty much resigned to being kicked out.
“You don’t already have all your textbooks and materials for this year, do you?” she asks, sitting on the edge of her desk, gesturing to the chair across from her.
Connor stirs when I sit, tucking his face into my neck and stuffing his thumb in his mouth.
“I’ve been buying the materials one at a time to make it more affordable.” I press my lips to Connor’s hair, my knee bouncing. “I could probably sell them, though. I’m sure there’s a student who hasn’t purchased yet. It’s no big deal.”
“Rosie, what are you talking about?”
“I can’t afford to pay my tuition this year without my scholarship. Isn’t that why I’m here? You’re going to tell me they won’t save my spot for me anymore? That I have to pay and attend this year or leave forever?”
She stares at me for a long moment, and when she finally laughs, I don’t know whether to laugh, too, or cry. I have no idea what’s going on in my life anymore, but it feels like it’s unraveling before my eyes.
“Rosie, you’re our top student. We recognize how damn hard you’ve been working over the years, and the veterinarian world would be taking a huge hit losing you before you’ve even gotten the chance to get started. We are so proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You’re an incredible student, an eager learner, and a dedicated mama. We’re so lucky to have you.”
“Oh. Uh…” Heat crawls up my neck, prickling my cheeks. “Thank you. It’s really nice to hear that. To be recognized.”
“You must realize how much you bring to the table, no?”
“It’s hard to see what you bring to the table when no one sits down at it with you.”