When Blair saw me, she brought her hand to her heart.
“I can’t believe it!” She smiled and struck her pinky finger jumping out of bed to come toward me. “Ow! God damn it! It’s nothing. Pain is just mental, isn’t that what they say? Come in, sit down. Everything okay? Did something happen? Because if you need anything, you know…yeah, you know.”
“I don’t need anything. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
I felt like I was spending all my days saying sorry. But I felt so guilty, so bad, so poisonous… I knew I was hurting all the people I cared about, and even still, I couldn’t help it, because the alternative was too…just too much, period.
“Why would you do that?”
“Because of what happened at the festival.”
“Don’t be an idiot. I was happy you decided to go.”
“I shouldn’t have gotten drunk and I shouldn’t have put you in a bind.”
Blair waved it off. “Forget about it. The important thing is you were there.”
“Thanks for being the way you are,” I whispered.
I sat at the foot of her bed, close to her. I looked around the room, stopping at the photos of the two of us and of other friends all over the corkboard hanging over her desk, next to a painting I had done for her for her birthday that showed her delicate outline against a shifting sea. For me, Blair had always been like that, the calm amid the chaos. The calm inside me. Once, my father told me we all need an anchor, and in a way, she was that for me.
“Next time we’ll do something chill,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s probably better. I don’t know what was up with me.”
“How do you mean?”
And I don’t know if it was because I didn’t know what else to say before I left, if it was the nostalgia in her eyes, or if it was just that the moment we were living through was so strange, but I blurted it out, head swimming, throat dry as a bone: “I got naked in front of him.”
“What?”
“In front of Axel. And I kissed him.”
“Jesus Christ, Leah, are you serious?”
“I wasn’t myself,” I said defensively.
Blair’s face softened and her eyes filled with tenderness. She stretched out a hand and laid it on mine before hugging me and warming me up inside, as if from that contact emanated memories, the feeling of familiarity, of friendship. “Don’t you see, Leah? You’re more yourself than ever. Don’t you remember? You used to always be this way. Visceral. Unpredictable. You would do whatever strange shit popped into your head, you’d drag me along with you, and that…that made me feel so alive. I miss that.”
I got up trembling. “I need to go.”
30
_________
Axel
Lying in bed, she took off her bra and pulled my hand toward her. I fell down on my knees next to her. I stared at her body, stretching out an arm to caress her legs, rising up slowly. Madison opened them so I could touch her, and when I did, she arched her back in reply and moaned.
Then I thought of another pair of breasts, smaller, rounder, different. Fuck. I shook my head to get rid of the image, the memory.
I lay down. Madison climbed onto my body, put a condom on me, and I forgot everything, the rest of the world, anything that wasn’t the two of us moving at the same rhythm, her groans in my ear, the pleasure growing more intense, the need, sex, the moment. Just that.
May
* * *
(AUTUMN)
31
_________
Axel
On that occasion, i didn’t wait a few days or even hours. As soon as Leah got home, I grabbed her suitcase and took it to her room. She looked at me disconcerted.
“What is this?” she asked.
“We’re going to put things in order. Talk. You know, normal stuff. I’ve been thinking all week about what you said, and I’ve realized I should have understood it earlier. You need to feel. That’s it, isn’t it, Leah?”
“No.” She was scared.
“Let’s go outside.”
Once we were on the porch, she crossed her arms. “I promised you I’d paint.”
“And you will. But that’s not enough. One night, right here, you asked me if you would ever be happy again, remember? And I asked you if you wanted to be, but you couldn’t answer, because you had an anxiety attack. So answer now. Come on.”
She was so blocked, so lost… “I don’t know,” she panted.
“You do know. Look at me.”
“Don’t do this to me, not like this.”
“I already am, Leah.”
“You have no right…”
“But I do. I goddamn well do. I told you, Leah. I told you I wouldn’t stop, even if you did think I was pouring salt in the wound. I told you you’d thank me. And I’m not going to stop; know why? Because I’ve helped you open up. I can tell. I’m not going to allow you to close back up. So answer the question: Do you want to be happy?”
Her lip trembled. Her eyes were molten lava, intense, piercing me, as though she wished to hurt me. I wanted to see her like that forever. Like that. Full of emotions, even if they were bad, even if they were directed at me. I could take that.
“I don’t want to!” she shouted.
“Finally you’re being honest.”
“Fuck you, Axel!” She tried to go inside, but I stood between her and the door.
“Why don’t you want to be happy?”
“How can you ask me that?”
“By opening my mouth. By doing it.”
“I hate the way you are. I hate you right now.”
I took it. I repeated to myself that hate was a feeling. One of the strongest ones, the kind that can shake a person, just as it was shaking her. “You can cry, Leah. You can cry with me.”
“With you… You’re the last person…”
She couldn’t finish the sentence before a sob escaped her throat. And then I took a step forward and grabbed her softly, hugging her, feeling her shaking against me. I closed my eyes. I could almost feel her anger, her rage, her pain, so intense that I knew they were blinding her, anchoring her to a place where the only thing you can think is It isn’t right, it isn’t right, it isn’t right. A part of me took pity on her; sometimes all I wanted to do was sit down beside her in silence and give her space, but then I’d remember that girl full of color who had to be hidden somewhere inside her, and then the idea of setting her free was all I could think about; I was obsessed.
I spoke with my lips in her tangled hair. “I’m sorry I ambushed you like this, but it’s better for you. You’ll see. You’ll understand. You’ll forgive me, won’t you, Leah? That hatred, it’s not all for me.” She smiled through the tears. “We’ll do this together, okay? I’ll take care of everything; you just follow me. I’ll guide you if you’re willing to give me your hands.”
I put my hand out to her. She hesitated.