“What the fuck have you done to me?” I whispered.
Because that was the question that consumed me at all hours of the day. At what exact moment had I lost my mind over her, what was the phrase or gesture that made it happen, when did I start belonging to her––because I did, even if my pride would never let me say it aloud.
“I want to give you everything.” She looked at me and shivered.
“You have.”
When our lips collided fiercely, she knelt in front of me. I held my breath. She took me into her mouth and I thought I would die. I breathed deeply, slowly, almost in time to her movements, which were slow and soft at first, but then turned more intense. God damn it, were they intense. I sank my fingers into her hair. Fuck. Her lips. Her tongue. Her mouth felt incredible. I tried to control myself, to hold back a little longer, but a shiver of pleasure ran though me when her eyes looked into mine as she caressed me with her mouth.
“Babe…I’m going to come…”
I tried to pull away, but she kept going. I put my hands on the wall in front of me and let out a hoarse cry when I emptied myself between her lips. It was devastating. From another planet. I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath of air, shaking like a little boy. I wanted for her to come back from the bathroom a minute later to grab her cheeks and kiss her over and over. Leah laughed as she hugged me.
“Jeez, I guess you liked it.”
“It’s not that…” I picked her up and carried her to the bed.
“What is it then?”
“Love,” I whispered.
I know what lust was, pleasure, the longing to reach climax. But until she came into my life, I had known nothing of love, the need to satisfy another person, to give them everything, to think about them before you.
“Axel, what do you think of love?” she asked, lying in the white sheets.
“I don’t know. Nothing in particular.”
“You always have an answer for everything.”
“I guess I think of you.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Well, that’s the only truth I have. All I know is that I would happily spend my whole life like this. Talking with you. Fucking you. Dreaming of you. Everything with you. Do you think that’s love?”
Leah smiled, cheeks red.
She was so precious I wanted to draw her.
94
_________
Leah
We are almost never aware of how happy we are when we are. We usually remember it and value it afterward: that family meal that you thought would be dull and turned out to be a blast, things that happen and you have no idea they’ll turn into stories you’ll always remember, that afternoon when you end up cracking up with your best friend until your stomach aches, the day you’re lying on the sand being kissed by the hot sun and you think you have it all. Those kinds of moments you enjoy so much you don’t stop to treasure them because you’re there, right there, living them, feeling them, in the present.
But with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Happiness, the word was on the tip of my tongue every morning, just before I woke and gave him a slow kiss. I think it was because a part of me already knew it wouldn’t end well, that I needed to hold on to all those moments we were experiencing together because I would remember them for years and they would be the only thing I could hold on to.
95
_________
Axel
I noticed something. a soft crack, but I didn’t pay any attention to it until I heard the noise of a couple of steps on the wood of the living room floor. I opened my eyes wide. I don’t know how the fuck I managed to get out of bed and put on a bathing suit from the top drawer, my heart suddenly in my throat. Leah murmured something incomprehensible, still half asleep, but I hardly paid attention. I crossed my room in two long steps and grabbed the door frame. Shit. Fuck. Shit.
Justin looked at me, keys in his hands, an incredulous expression on his face. His eyes veered toward the clothes we had left scattered around on our way to the bedroom, and then looked into Leah’s empty room before staring back at me.
“What the fuck have you done, Axel? What the fuck…?”
He brought his hands to his head, and I closed the door so Leah wouldn’t come out just then, even if the situation couldn’t get any worse. Justin’s expression said it all. There was nothing to explain, he’d grasped everything.
I swallowed slowly. I could hardly breathe. “I told you that key was for emergencies only.”
“Fuck me! That’s all you’ve got to say to me? Are you out of your goddamn mind? Where the fuck is your head? Of all the things you’ve ever done, I swear, this is… You’ve crossed the line this time. But you don’t get that, do you? You think you’re above everyone else; you just stare at your belly button and everyone else can go fuck themselves.”
“Lower your goddamn voice. You’re going to wake her up.”
Justin looked at me in shock. I was too, because that was far from the best thing I could have said at that moment, but I was angry and scared and more bewildered than I’d ever been. I bit my tongue to keep from saying anything else stupid and walked out the back door. My brother followed me. The morning sun was burning high in the sky. I walked down the trail until the grass gave way to sand. Then I stopped and took a few deep breaths, keeping my eyes focused on the sea.
“It’s not what you think, it’s not some fling…”
The wind rustled my brother’s brown hair. “Explain it, then. Make me understand, because right now I don’t know what to do with this, Axel. This never even passed through my mind…”
“Mine either. What can I tell you, Justin? It just happened. What do you want me to say? I fell in love with her. I didn’t want to, but I also don’t know what’s wrong with it. It doesn’t feel wrong.”
“Fuck, Axel.” He walked away a bit.
I gave him time and a little space. I waited in the middle of the beach while he walked back and forth with his brow furrowed, muttering the occasional curse word. I would have laughed in any other situation, but that day I was about to have a heart attack. I walked over to him when my impatience got the best of me.
“Justin, say something. Say whatever.”
“You’re in love with her?” He looked at me cruelly.
“Don’t make me repeat it.”
“Today’s not the best day for you to joke around, Axel. Fine, it happened, let’s accept that. Things like this do, but that doesn’t change the thing that really matters. You need to talk to Oliver. Now.”
“I can’t. Not yet.”
“Why?” He crossed his arms.
Because I’ll fucking lose him. Because I hate the word consequences. Because I’m scared of what will happen. “I need to find the perfect way to tell him. When I do, I need him to understand. It’s not that easy, okay? At first, I just wanted to see where it went, but now…it’s even more fucked up.”
“You’ve really screwed up this time.”
“God damn it, Justin, I know!” I shouted.