“A deal?”
“If I do anything you don’t like…” I drew my hand down her upper thigh, stopping when I felt the dagger beneath the thin panels. Closing my hand over it, I smiled. “I give you permission to stab me.”
“That would be excessive,” she stated.
“I was hoping you’d give me just a measly flesh wound,” I said. “But it’d be worth finding out.”
Her lips curved into a grin. “You are such a bad influence.”
“I think we’ve already established that only the bad can be influenced.”
Poppy’s eyes closed as my fingers slipped off the hilt of her dagger and trailed over the blade. “And I think I already told you that your logic is faulty.”
My heightened senses picked up on how her breath and pulse quickened. I could feel the heated restlessness building inside her.
It was building in me.
“I’m the Maiden, Hawke,” she said, sounding more like she was reminding herself of that fact.
“And I don’t care.”
Her eyes snapped open. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I did.” And I fucking meant it, because even with all the lies I’d told, this was the truth. Right now, under this willow, the only thing that mattered was who she was. “And I’ll say it again. I don’t care what you are.” I moved my hand from her back and cupped her cheek. “I care about who you are,” I said, and…fuck, godsdamn Kieran was right. I did care about her.
Her lower lip trembled as the muscle in my jaw flexed. “Why?” she whispered. “Why would you say that?”
I blinked, her question catching me off guard. “Are you seriously asking me that?”
“Yes, I am. It doesn’t make sense.”
“You don’t make sense,” I said.
She punched me in the shoulder, and not that lightly either.
I grunted. “Ouch.”
“You’re fine.”
“I’m bruised,” I teased.
“You’re ridiculous,” she retorted. “And it’s you who makes no sense.”
“I’m the one sitting here being honest.” Which was entirely fucked-up if I thought too long about it. I didn’t plan on doing that because I was sure to pay for it later. “You’re the one hitting me. How do I not make sense?”
“Because this whole thing makes no sense. You could be spending time with anyone, Hawke—any number of people you wouldn’t have to hide in a willow tree to be with.”
That was true. “And yet, I’m here with you. And before you even begin to think it’s because of my duty to you, it’s not. I could’ve just walked you back to your room and stayed out in the hall.”
“That’s my point. It makes no sense. You can have a slew of willing participants in…whatever this is. It would be easy,” she argued. “You can’t have me. I’m…I’m un-have-able.”
I frowned. Unhaveable? “I’m confident that’s not even a word.”
“That’s not the point. I’m not allowed to do this. Any of this. I shouldn’t have done what I did at the Red Pearl,” she went on. “It doesn’t matter if I want—”
“And you do want,” I said, my voice low because it felt like I would send her fleeing if I said it too loudly. “What you want is me.”
“That doesn’t matter,” she said.
That was bullshit. “What you want should always matter.”
A brutal laugh left her. “It doesn’t, and that’s another thing that isn’t the point. You could—”
“I heard you the first time, Princess. You’re right. I could find someone who would be easier.” I traced the edge of her mask, over her cheek. “Ladies or Lords in Wait, who aren’t burdened by rules or limitations, who aren’t Maidens I’m sworn to protect. There are a lot of ways I could occupy my time that don’t include explaining in great detail why I’m choosing to be where I am, with whom I choose.”
Poppy’s nose scrunched.
“The thing is,” I continued, “none of them intrigue me. You do.”
“It’s really that simple for you?” she asked.
No.
Not at all.
Not even here under the willow.
“Nothing is ever simple.” I pressed my forehead to hers. “And when it is, it’s rarely ever worth it.”
“Then why?” she whispered.
My lips quirked. “I’m beginning to believe that’s your favorite question.”
“Maybe. It’s just that…gods, there are a lot of reasons why I don’t understand how you can be this intrigued. You’ve seen me,” she said. I couldn’t have heard her right. “You’ve seen what I look like—”
“I have,” I cut her off, because holy fuck, I had heard her right, and that shouldn’t have even crossed her mind. But because of bastards like the Duke, it did. Gods, I wanted to murder the fucker all over again. “And I think you already know what I think. I said it in front of you, in front of the Duke, and I told you outside the Great Hall—”
“I know what you said, and I’m not bringing up what I look like for you to shower me with compliments. It’s just…” She shook her head. “Never mind. Forget I said that.”
“I can’t. I won’t.”
“Great.”
“You’re just used to assholes like the Duke.” I snarled his title. “He may be an Ascended, but he’s worthless.”
She stiffened. “You shouldn’t say things like that, Hawke. You—”
“I’m not afraid to speak the truth. He may be powerful, but he’s just a weak man.” And a dead one. “Who proves his strength by attempting to humiliate those more powerful than he is. Someone like you, with your strength? It makes him feel incompetent—which he is. And your scars? They are a testament to your fortitude. They are proof of what you survived. They are evidence of why you are here when so many twice your age wouldn’t be. They’re not ugly. Far from it. They’re beautiful, Poppy.”
The tension eased from her as she whispered, “That’s the third time you’ve called me that.”
“Fourth,” I corrected. “We’re friends, aren’t we? Only your friends and your brother call you that, and you may be the Maiden, and I’m a Royal Guard, but all things considered, I would hope that you and I are friends.”
“We are.”
I should feel like shit for that—for becoming what I needed to be. Her friend. Gaining her trust. That festering guilt spread. My gaze flicked to the willow’s swaying limbs. I didn’t need to take it this far. I knew that. Fuck, I knew that in the Atheneum when I didn’t kiss her. I had what I needed. The rest would be history.
I sighed, palming her cheek. “And I’m not…I’m not being a good friend or guard right now. I’m not…” I moved my hand beneath the heavy fall of her hair and curled my fingers there, holding her close to me. Just for a few more moments because I liked the way she felt in my arms, and I figured that after tonight, the only time I’d be holding her this close would be to stop her from punching me. “I really should get you back to your room. It’s getting late.”