“Besides, I don’t want to cheat on Paul. It makes me feel sick when I think about it. We love each other in our own way. Paul isn’t demonstrative or affectionate, but I know he loves me. We’ve been together for almost eighteen years, and we dated before that.” And they cared enough to be faithful at least, even if their marriage wasn’t perfect.
“How do you know he doesn’t cheat on you, or do you know?” A lot of men they knew cheated while their wives turned a blind eye. They took their revenge out on their husbands’ credit cards, a system which seemed to work for both parties. They each got a reward. The cuckolded wife got a new wardrobe and whatever else she wanted, and the husband got a new pretty girl to play with, and got laid two or three times a day, or more often than his wife wanted after years of marriage. It was hard to keep relationships fresh and desire alive in their everyday routines.
“If you don’t want the golf pro at the club, then I think some plastic surgery is in order. Maybe some fillers or laser treatments,” Jane suggested. She got Botox shots regularly and fillers, and she looked great.
“Are you telling me I look old?” Eileen was horrified.
“No, not at all. You don’t look your age, but you’re telling me you feel old. That’s a bad place to be. Pretty soon you convince everyone that it’s true, including yourself. You need to get out more,” Jane volunteered, “without Paul. You need to flirt and feel like a woman again.” Eileen laughed and shook her head. It sounded like work to her, and she was comfortable as she was. She wasn’t eager to make a fool of herself at her age. “When was the last time you bought sexy underwear? I mean really sexy!”
“When Paul stopped noticing it, and I realized he didn’t care. He’s never around when I get dressed, and I’m already in bed by the time he gets home. Sexy underwear would be a waste of money,” Eileen said matter-of-factly. It didn’t worry her. She was used to it. Their time together and their marriage centered mostly around their kids. Their sex life was adequate but not extraordinary.
“Maybe you should rethink some of that,” Jane said seriously. “The boys will be gone before you know it, and then you’re going to be staring at each other with nothing left to say. You’re not over-the-hill, Eileen. Forty is not the end of life as we know it. It’s not the end of the world. And you and Paul will have more time to yourselves when Pennie goes to college next year.” Eileen nodded, unconvinced by what her friend was saying. She didn’t feel sexy anymore, or womanly, or attractive to her husband. They still made love, but not often. They were both busy on weekends, with kids or doing chores, and during the week Paul spent long days in the city, and usually came home late. She used to join him more for dinner with clients in the city, but she hadn’t done that in months, and he hadn’t asked. He said he had no exciting clients at the moment, and told her she’d be bored, so she hadn’t bothered. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been to New York. It was easier to stay in Greenwich, where she could run around in jeans or leggings, and didn’t have to wear makeup or get dressed up. She hadn’t worn high heels in months. She had given most of them to her daughter, who was thrilled.
Eileen was still a pretty woman, and Pennie looked a lot like her. She had been a knockout in her youth, but with time, the realities of her life, and a lukewarm marriage, she didn’t really care how she looked anymore, and it showed. She didn’t make the extra effort to get dressed up or wear makeup or do her hair. Paul never commented or seemed to notice what she wore or how she looked. Compliments had never been his strong suit, although he was better about it when they were dating. Now being together was like wearing an old comfortable pair of shoes, for both of them.
Paul always looked polished and well dressed when he went to work, but made as little effort as she did at home on weekends. He was still handsome, and women found him attractive. He tried harder with strangers, and Eileen was surprised sometimes by how charming and interesting, and even funny, he could be when talking with other women, but he went home with her.
* * *
—
The week before she was due to leave for camp, still missing Tim acutely, Pennie thought she had food poisoning or the flu. She threw up violently all morning, but felt better in the afternoon, and then suddenly something occurred to her that she hadn’t thought of before. Her periods had always been irregular, but more so in the last two months. They had come and gone in a day with some minor spotting. It seemed like a ridiculous idea that something might have happened, and she wondered if she was clutching at straws, trying to hang on to Tim now that she realized how painful it was to let him go.
Feeling slightly foolish, she went to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. She’d done it before the few times they’d been worried, and she’d never been pregnant despite some scares. She vaguely remembered that they’d had unprotected sex once a few months before. She couldn’t even remember when, it seemed so long ago, and nothing had come of it. She got her period on time afterwards, even if it was short.
She had the test in her purse when she got home. Her mother was out taking the boys to get the last of what they needed for camp. Pennie went upstairs to her bathroom, and her hands were shaking when she took the test out of the box. For an insane moment, she hoped that she might be pregnant. She didn’t want it to be over with Tim. She wanted some part of him to stay with her forever, even though she knew she was in no way prepared or ready to have a child. It would ruin her life, just as it had her mother’s, even more so since she was five years younger than her mother had been when she’d had Pennie. A baby at seventeen would have been a disaster in her life. She couldn’t do it.
She locked the door of her bathroom, and did the test, waited the brief time for it to process, and closed her eyes for a minute before she looked. She wouldn’t allow herself to wish for a positive result, no matter how much she loved him. Then she opened her eyes and stared at the test stick for a long time. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be right. She couldn’t be pregnant now that they had broken up. She wanted to be an adult. She was tired of being discounted as too young for everything, but this wasn’t how she wanted to demonstrate her adulthood. But want it or not, the test result was clear. She was pregnant.
Her eyes filled with tears as she put the used test back in the box and put it in her purse. She sat down on the toilet cover and stared into space. Had she wished this into being? Had she done it on purpose, subconsciously? However it had happened, it was real and she had to deal with it.
Tears slid down her cheeks as she tried to figure out what to do. She had to call Tim and tell him. What was she going to tell her parents? How was Tim going to react? Would he fall in love with her all over again, or would he be furious? They were too young to have a baby. He was leaving for China in a week and for Stanford in August. She felt a wave of panic wash over her. It was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to her. There would be no easy way out of it for either of them. In a sudden rush, she wanted to give up her new claim to adulthood, and run back to her childhood. This wasn’t how she wanted to become a grown-up. She wasn’t ready for a baby, or to become a mother. All she wanted to do was fly into Tim’s arms and hide. But there was no hiding from this now.