* * *
—
Pennie sat locked in her bathroom for an hour, trying to think about what she had to do. She couldn’t call their family doctor. She was sure he would tell her parents. She had gone to Planned Parenthood for birth control advice before. But first she wanted to call Tim. He would know what to do. She had to break the silence they had agreed on. She sent him a text asking him where he was. He responded within minutes, and said he was at home, packing for the trip to China, and asked her how she was. The text was friendly but not loving.
“I need to talk to you. Can you meet me for coffee?” she texted back.
“Why? We said we wouldn’t do that,” he reminded her. “I’m meeting my parents for dinner.”
“Can I see you before, just for a few minutes?”
“I don’t think we should. It will upset us both.” But not nearly as much as the news she had to tell him. She wasn’t even sure how pregnant she was. But if it was due to their one slip a few months before, she would be somewhere around three or four months pregnant.
“I’ll make it short. It’s important.”
“Something wrong? Are you okay?”
She didn’t answer the question. She didn’t want to lie. “Where should I meet you?”
He suggested their favorite coffee shop. He didn’t think she should come to his house, they might lose their resolve. He missed her as much as she missed him, and he didn’t trust himself alone with her. If she was going to beg him not to break up with her, he didn’t want to be in the midst of a painful, tearful scene when his parents got home.
They agreed to meet half an hour later, and he was there when she arrived. He looked as handsome as ever, and couldn’t suppress a smile when he saw her. She was so damn beautiful and he still loved her so much. His heart felt tight in his chest when she sat down, wearing sandals and pink shorts with a white T-shirt, and no makeup, her long blond hair hanging down her back. He was wearing jeans, a blue shirt, and loafers. He could see that she was nervous. She had the test in her purse in case he didn’t believe her.
“What’s up?” Seeing him almost took her breath away.
“I just found out something you ought to know,” she said, trying to sound calmer than she felt, and not cry.
“Like what? Is something wrong? Are you sick?” He was worried and she shook her head as tears crept into her eyes in spite of her efforts not to let them.
She looked him in the eye, and spoke in a soft voice. “I’m pregnant, Tim. I think it may have been that time three or four months ago when we forgot to buy condoms.” A fatal oversight, and they decided to make love anyway and told themselves nothing would happen “just once.” The pill had made her sick when she tried it, and they preferred condoms.
“Oh my God. You can’t be.” He sounded choked.
“I am. I just did a test. What are we going to do?”
“Our parents will kill us,” he said, feeling like a child faced with her devastating news. He had no ambiguous feelings about it. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to them, worse than breaking up. “We can’t have a baby now. I’m leaving for Beijing next week, and Stanford in August.”
“I know.”
“Can you find out how pregnant you are?” She nodded.
“I’ll see a doctor at Planned Parenthood.”
“We have to figure this out,” he said, and stood up. He wanted to be alone to digest what she had just told him. He didn’t want to do it with her right there. “How could we be so stupid?” He had tears in his eyes too. “I love you,” he said miserably, “but we’re not ready for this, either of us. I don’t want to leave you now, but I can’t cancel the trip. My parents already paid for it.” And there were four boys from his class going with him. The trip had been planned for months and his parents would have a fit if he didn’t go. “Go to the doctor tomorrow. Do you want me to go with you?” he offered, and felt sorry for her, and for himself too.
She shook her head bravely and looked up at him as she stood up. “I’ll call you after I see the doctor.”
They walked out of the coffee shop together without saying a word, each of them lost in their own thoughts and fears. They could feel their world crashing around them. They felt like they’d been shot out of a cannon into an adult world neither of them was prepared for. Tim walked her to her car and kissed her cheek as she got in, but he didn’t put his arms around her. He looked as if he was afraid to touch her now. As she drove away, she saw him standing there with tears rolling down his cheeks, and she was crying too.
Chapter 2
The doctor Pennie saw at Planned Parenthood the next morning told her that she was fourteen weeks pregnant. He explained to her that according to Connecticut law, an abortion could be performed until “viability,” as late as twenty-four to twenty-eight weeks, but that he personally did not agree, and wouldn’t perform an abortion after fourteen weeks. So if she wanted an abortion, she’d have to see another doctor. She heard the heartbeat on the fetal monitor, and she saw the baby on the sonogram screen. Everything looked normal, except for the fact that she was seventeen, Tim was eighteen, he was leaving for college soon, and they weren’t married. She called Tim as soon as she left the clinic, with a bottle of prenatal vitamins in her purse. The doctor had been very matter-of-fact. Pennie had lied and said she was eighteen, and she and her boyfriend were engaged, as though it mattered.
She told Tim the news, and they agreed to meet again at a park where they went for walks sometimes. Both of their homes felt off-limits now. At the park, they were on neutral ground.
“What do you want to do?” he asked her as they sat on a bench and stared at the ducks in the pond. There were children scattering food for them, with their mothers hovering nearby.
“I don’t know. We don’t have a lot of options,” Pennie said softly. “The doctor I saw won’t do an abortion, as pregnant as I am now. And seeing the baby on the sonogram, I couldn’t have gotten rid of it anyway.” He nodded. He had thought about it all night. He could think of only one solution that was acceptable to him.
“We have to get married, Pen. You can’t do this alone, and I don’t want you to. If you’re three months pregnant, it must be due around Christmas. I’d like to do the first term at Stanford, and then I’ll apply for a transfer to Connecticut College. I could go to school here, and my parents will help us out.” He had planned it all the night before, unable to sleep.
“I can’t let you do that. You’ve wanted to go to Stanford for as long as I’ve known you. I’m not going to ruin your life. That’s what happened to my parents, and they were older than we are. I don’t think they’ve ever been really happy. They had to get married. I won’t do that to you.” She felt lifeless as she said it, but she loved him too much to rob him of his dreams.