Reflexively, she put a hand on her stomach. She knew how it felt to give up on dreams of a family.
“It was a loss, nothing like yours, but you have to take the time to sit in your grief for a while. I probably took longer than I should. I spent the first year trying to figure out what went wrong in our marriage and fighting the divorce. The second year, I was mostly angry about the whole thing.”
“You did a good job hiding it. I never would’ve guessed you were angry,” Em said, thinking back to when she and Brad visited. They’d come to help Cal and Raine move into their new place on Marigold Lane. The same street where Josh lived.
“It’s not like you were around much,” Josh said. “But yeah, I did my best to hide how I was feeling. No one wants to be around that guy, do they?”
“Or that girl,” Em murmured, thinking of how she’d pushed people away those first few months after Brad had died. It hadn’t been an option when she’d moved back home last year. Her brother and Bri, even Josh, had seen to that. It wasn’t enough though. She was still stuck. She knew it, her family and friends knew it, and more importantly, Brad knew it too.
“Don’t sell yourself short. Everyone wants to be around you, Em. You just don’t want to be around them,” Josh said with a teasing grin, but she saw the sympathy in his eyes, the compassion too.
She hated people feeling sorry for her and wished she could be more like Josh. He’d gotten past his sorrow and anger. He’d done the work, taken the steps, and put himself out there again. “If everyone wants to be around me, it shouldn’t be hard for you to find me a date then,” she said, unable to hide the skepticism in her voice.
“If you’re serious, I can think of at least three guys off the top of my head who’d jump at the chance to take you out.”
Puzzled, she said, “Why?”
“Don’t punch me, but you’re hot, Em.” Laughing, no doubt in response to the shocked expression on her face, he put up his hands. “Not that I ever looked at you that way. You also have no idea that you are, which is appealing. Plus you’re smart, and I’ve heard you’re also nice.”
“I don’t know if this is a good idea anymore.”
“Don’t overthink it or put pressure on yourself. It’s just a night out with someone who you might like to hang out with again. Everyone could use a few more friends, right?”
“I have enough, thanks.”
He rubbed his hand over his mouth.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“Nope,” he said, but she could hear the amusement in his voice.
“Some people are happy with their own company, you know. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“No, there’s not.” His voice took on a serious note. “But working all the time isn’t good for anyone, Em. Or being on your own.”
“Despite what everyone seems to think, I do have a life.” Her brother and, obviously, Josh, didn’t think so, and neither did Brad. And that’s what had started this conversation. As much as she wanted to back out, she didn’t have a choice. Not if she wanted to make Brad happy. “Just do me a favor and don’t set me up with someone like you.”
“I think I’m offended.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant set me up with someone more like me.”
“So someone who eats like a sixteen-year-old, watches Stranger Things, true crime, and horror, prefers ordering in than going out to eat, and would rather stick a fork in her eye than go to any of the town’s social events.”
She nodded. “Yeah, that about covers it.”
“Okay. It might take me a couple days, but I will find you the perfect match, Em.”
“I don’t need a perfect match. A live male body will do.”
“Em, what exactly are you going to do with this guy?”
She felt the weight of someone’s stare and turned her head. Brad stood there watching her, a tender smile on his face. This is what he wanted, for her to move on with someone else. Tears burned in the backs of her eyes. Not just tears of sorrow but of anger too. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.
She got up from the couch. “I’m going to bed.” Josh stared at her, and she remembered his question. “Jeez, Josh. I’m going to bed now, not with the guy you set me up with.”
“Good to know because that would’ve added at least ten guys to my search,” he said and got up from the couch.
“What are you doing?” she asked, when he followed her to her bedroom.
“Don’t you hear Gus scratching at the door?” Josh reached around her to open the bedroom door, letting Gus out. The goldendoodle moved to Brad’s side.
“Come on, boy. I’ll take you for a walk. You’ve been cooped up all day,” Josh said as he walked toward the living room, no doubt expecting Gus to follow him.
But Gus was looking at Brad, who gave him an encouraging smile. When Gus didn’t move, Brad crouched by his side and went to pet him. Em saw the anguish on both their faces when Brad’s hand passed through his dog’s curly coat. Gus nudged Brad’s hand, whining when his nose went through his beloved human’s fingers.
“I know, buddy. It sucks. But I love you. It’ll be okay. You go with Josh.”
Gus tried to lick Brad’s face and then his hand. Em pressed her fingers to her lips when Gus gave up, trudging after Josh with his head down.
Josh opened the front door and looked back at her. “That was nice, Em. We haven’t talked like that for a while. It was like old times.”
Chapter Seven
Em nodded in response to Josh, unable to speak around the hard lump in her throat. She knew what she had to do but her heart and mind fought against it, trying to justify keeping Brad here no matter the pain it caused him and his dog.
Gus would get used to this new Brad and his physical limitations. Brad would too. At least he’d be with them.
“You’re tired, Em. You need your rest,” Brad said when the front door closed, his voice a dull monotone. His deep voice had always been vibrant, full of energy and positivity. He’d loved life and her and Gus so much.
“I don’t know how to let you go. I know you’re not happy and having you here like this makes Gus unhappy too.” She looked at Brad through tear-filled eyes. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do.”
“I think you know.” He lifted his hand to stroke her face, bowing his head when his fingers drifted through her cheek. Then he raised his gaze and held hers, the look in his eyes as gentle as his voice. “Deep down inside that compassionate, loving heart of yours, you know it’s time to let me go.”
“What if I can’t? Will you stay?” she asked as she walked into her room and lay down on the bed, unable to look at him. It was a selfish request of a man who didn’t have a selfish bone in his body.
He lay beside her. “Yes. I’d stay.”
She turned her head, studying his strong profile. “But you don’t want to, and I don’t understand why. If our positions were reversed, I wouldn’t want to leave you.”
“The only way you could truly know that is if you’d died instead of me.” He turned his head and held her gaze. “I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t belong here anymore. I belong with our little girl.”