That makes me feel better. But I wish he had taken my hand. “I had to sneak away. This was the only time I could see you before—”
“Yes,” he says, cutting me off. It’s almost as if he can’t bear to hear the words.
There’s an awkward silence between us for a few seconds. Then we both begin to speak at the same time:
“Let me explain . . .”
“Why did you lie to me?”
His question stops me short. My initial instinct is to deny that I did, but I’m through with all that. There can be no more concealed between us. “I thought if you knew who I really was, you would keep your distance,” I confess. “And you certainly wouldn’t bring me to Montrice with you.”
“It was all a story, then, wanting to join the Guild, wanting to be my apprentice?”
“Just because it’s a story doesn’t mean it’s not true,” I say.
“Do I even know anything real about you?”
That hurt. Although he did not know my true identity, he knew my soul. But I understand his pain, for it is mine as well. “To be honest, I feel like I don’t quite know myself.”
“You are Princess Lilac,” he says. “Were you there? That day in court? When the queen gave me my orders?”
I nod. “Yes, it was me. I ran to the palace to tell the queen that you’d saved me from the grand prince, so you would not be punished for killing him.”
“You looked like that, the day we went hunting, with the white wig and the mask. I almost recognized you,” he says.
“I know,” I say. “When my mother sent you to Deersia, I was shocked, so I changed out of my costume and ran out to try to see you before you were taken away.”
“And pretended to be a merchant’s daughter,” he says. “When you were the princess all along.”
I nod. “I accompany my mother to some of the royal ceremonies; the people must see the princess once in a while to know I am alive. But mostly I live with my aunts. I told them from the beginning that I wanted to join the Guild. I was convinced I could do my royal duty that way. What better weapon than a royal assassin, after all? No one would suspect a princess, would they?”
He shakes his head.
“But my mother disagreed and my aunts had to comply. That’s when I ran away the first time, to Baer Abbey. My life has never been my own, either.”
I sigh. “You saved my life. But I had to go back to my aunts. I didn’t want them to worry. I was sent to them as a baby, right after the Battle of Baer. It was your father who insisted upon it. My aunts were his trusted friends from the Guild. Well, my aunt Moriah was a friend. My aunt Mesha . . .” This is the hardest part. “My aunt Mesha is your mother’s younger sister. But she couldn’t tell you. She had to forsake her family if she was to be mine. Your father insisted on it, that no one could know the truth, not even his own son.”
Cal rubs his hands down the sides of his face and stares at the floor, but he doesn’t speak.
I decide we can return to that when he’s ready. “Well, I was lucky; they were wonderful. And they knew a thing or two about natural magic too. They taught me as much as they could. As for my mother—well, she came to visit once in a while.”
Telling him this story makes me think that maybe I am a little too harsh with the queen. She had to send away her only child, in the midst of chaos and the loss of her husband. I regret my harsh words, when all she did was out of love for me, and the safety of the kingdom. Just like me, her life has always been bound to Renovia. She is a Dellafiore, as am I.
“Then I was summoned back to the palace, to take my place next to my mother’s side. I could no longer be Shadow; I had to be Lilac. But when I saw you being carted off to Deersia, I knew I had to intervene. You’d saved my life; I owed you. And . . .” This part is excruciating to admit. “I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get what I wanted. To show them I was worthy of Guild training. So I forged a work order to get into Deersia and set you free. And then you took me on, so we came here. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you the truth earlier.”
Cal doesn’t respond. It is like he is made of stone.
“Anyway, I brought you something.” I uncover a heavy square box, wrapped in midnight-blue velvet, embroidered with the sacred symbol of Deia.
He leans over to look more closely.
I remove the cover and unlatch the box. “This may help you fulfill your vow.” I open the lid.
Inside the box is a piece of obsidian, shaped like a key.
His eyes widen. “A key to the scrolls. It has to be.”
“It was found among Duke Girt’s things, hidden behind a painting. All his worldly possessions revert to the king. Duchess Girt—or Gertie or whoever she is—has apparently abandoned her title and fled the kingdom before she could be apprehended. All Hansen cares about is horses, wine, and gambling. Nothing is really important to him, not even the scrolls, as incredible as that might seem. So I was able to take this for myself.”
Cal gazes at the key, transfixed.
I continue. “Honestly, he didn’t even notice. I suspect he just wanted to return to his dice games. I am lucky. I can only hope his hobbies will keep his attention elsewhere.”
Cal still does not speak.
“Use the key, find the scrolls, return them to Renovia, and claim your freedom,” I tell him. “The future is yours.”
“And what about your future?” he asks at last. “You can’t do this, Shadow.” Cal puts his face in his hands. Shakes his head. “You can’t give your life to him.”
If only I’d understood his feelings earlier, when we had more time alone. “I’m doing it for you.”
“I don’t need it,” he says. “I would rather remain in a cell for the rest of my life than see you throw your life away.”
“It is mine to do with as I wish,” I say softly. “Here.” I push the box closer to him. “Please, take it. Find the scrolls. You’re almost free. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”
“I am not free, not without my love,” he says, and this time, when he looks at me, I don’t look away.
My love. How do I answer that? There has always been so much unspoken between us. And yet now that we’re together, now that he’s saying the words I’ve so longed to hear, it is hopeless. Our fate is already sealed.
“Leave with me. We can run away; we’ve done it before. We can find the scrolls together,” he says, taking my hands in his. “Shadow. Be with me. Always. I am yours. Be mine.”