Oh, my heart. I cannot breathe and my entire body is aflame.
He is everything I never knew I always wanted.
Caledon Holt.
The Queen’s Assassin.
He is mine.
I can see it so easily. We could don servants’ garb and slip away in the night. Hansen would not look for me, at least not at first. But then my mother would wonder where I am at breakfast. An alarm would sound. Cal would be accused of kidnapping the princess, and the king’s bride. We would be hunted for the rest of our lives. If we were caught, he would be executed. I could never risk that. And there is more to think about than our fate.
I shake my head. “No, if we leave together, there’d be another war. Hansen has been placated by the promise of expanding his kingdom. If I disappear, he will blame the queen for his humiliation and he will invade Renovia. I can’t have that on my head.”
“But you can have it in your bed,” he says bitterly.
I flinch at his words. But he looks more resigned than angry.
“I have no choice. As you have been bound by an impossible vow, I, too, am tethered to a fate—but one that will never let me be free. But this is larger than you or me. I’m simply a vessel for an heir who will inherit two kingdoms. Our child will be wed to the heir of Argonia and Stavin. It is my mother’s plan to unite all the kingdoms of Avantine once more, through blood and marriage; to start a new Dellafiore dynasty.”
That silences him.
But I am not here to talk about Avantine history. I must go back to my chamber, and yet I am here, in my robe and nightshift. I need to ask something of him, and if I don’t do this now, I will never have the courage again.
“Cal, listen to me.” I reach for his hands. Mine are shaking. “Hansen will have my name and my kingdom. But he will never have my heart. That remains with you, my love, forever.”
In answer, Cal pulls me toward him and puts his hands on the sides of my face. “You will always be Shadow to me,” he says softly.
“Cal.” I want to say more, but soon there are no words between us. He puts his soft, warm mouth over mine, hesitant at first, then eager as I respond in kind, and somehow, none of this matters anymore. He breathes into me as his strong arms circle my waist, and I slide my own around his back, pulling him closer.
“We might not have tomorrow, but we have tonight,” I whisper.
At that, he pulls me down to the bed. We shed our clothing and slip under the covers. He kisses me all over so I can barely breathe.
The world narrows to the two of us in this room, our bodies fitting together as one. I pull him closer, closer, until he’s on top of me, and we move in sync as if dancing.
Our bodies joined as our hearts, we soar to the skies.
We are free.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Shadow
“COME BACK TO ME.” IT’S the earliest hours of morning; the sun is barely peeking over the horizon. I’ve spent the last few hours wrapped up with Caledon in his sheets, our legs and arms entwined, as if we cannot bear to be parted, and the truth is, we cannot.
“I wish I could,” he mumbles into the pillow.
“I can order you to return.” The truth is, I am his sovereign; I could make him do as I wish. A thought occurs to me.
He turns over so that I rest my head on his bare chest. This is how we slept in the cave, in the inn; this is where I am meant to be all my life. I cannot bear to let him go. I cannot bear for him to leave me. He must come back to me. This cannot be the end of us.
“Please,” I say.
“What are you saying?” he asks.
What am I saying?
The queen may have her plans, but I can make my own. I think of the story we spun not too long ago, the one about Cal and his Renovian fiancée. I can see him now, speaking the words to me like a vow . . . To be unmarried to each other, but together, forever. I think I can keep that promise.
“You could not be my husband, but you wouldn’t have to be,” I say. “There is a room off Hansen’s bedchamber, for his favorite.” For his mistress. I have seen her at court these past few days, a beautiful girl who gazes at me with barely concealed contempt.
Thankfully, my future husband has many distractions.
“But there is a room off mine as well,” I tell Cal. “No one would know. You could return to me, there. When you come to Montrice, when you come back to see me.”
He doesn’t respond, but I am seized by the idea and cannot hide the hope and joy in my voice. “You can come back, to be by my side, in between your journeys. Come back to me—come back to Montrice. We can steal time together, you and I. We will find a way. You will not be my husband, but I will be yours forever.”
Cal shakes his head. He gets up from the bed, pulling on a pair of pants that were strewn on the floor. I watch him out of the corner of my eye, trying to pretend I’m not. He looks out the window at the encroaching light. “You should go.”
He’s not wrong. My new ladies-in-waiting will show up soon to dress me for the day, and they would be quick to report my absence. “Where will you go?” I ask him. My hands fist the sheets, rumpling them.
He doesn’t answer.
“I ask too much,” I say. Of course he will not return to me. I am to marry another, and being the queen’s consort is beneath him. He would be under constant threat of discovery, and with little more status than one of my servants. Once he has fulfilled his vow, he has a barony in his future, land, riches, freedom to marry, to have children of his own.
“You ask so little,” he says. “But that is not the reason.” He takes my hand and presses it to his lips.
Outside, mourning doves coo. Roosters crow. The sun peeks out from beyond the mountains.
“You will not return, then,” I say as I leave the bed. My heart is shattering, but I will not cry. I will be brave for him.
Cal keeps his back turned, which I find endearing—he’s shy about looking at me while I put my nightclothes back on too.
“Will I see you again before you go?” I ask when I am dressed.
“I don’t know.” He is standing by the window, his back to me, shirtless, his hands shoved in his pockets. I try to etch the picture of him that way into my mind so I’ll have the memory always. My handsome, dangerous assassin.
He turns around and it seems as though he’s about to come toward me, but he hesitates, so I go to him and throw my arms around his neck. He folds his arms around me and squeezes tight. I pull my head back and look at him, our faces nearly touching. He runs his hands up my back and then grabs on to my hair and kisses me again, long and hard and possessive. Soon we will need to return to bed.