“I know…I just…I don’t know.” Then I make the huge mistake of picking up the khaki-colored drink and taking a sip. “Oh good God, that’s revolting.”
One side of his mouth edges upward into a smile. “Looks it.”
“It’s even worse than the one she made me drink at lunch. Tell me, am I beaming yet? Is my skin translucent and radiant?” I joke.
“Absolutely.”
“Beck…” My timid smile fades as soon as it appears. “You’re not meant to tell lies.”
He pauses. “If you’re imagining you ever look anything other than beautiful to me, you’re wrong.”
I finish chewing my potato, taking my time. Too many feelings, dammit. “You’re beautiful to me too.”
“Thank you.” Which is when my cell starts going off in my back jeans pocket. Like seriously. My whole butt cheek is vibrating.
Beck raises a brow. “Sounds like you should get that.”
“Yeah.”
Mom: You okay?
Me: Yes.
Me: Mostly.
Me: Beck and I are just going through some stuff.
Mom: Sorry to hear that. But it is interesting. Your brother’s mortgage got paid off today and $500k was put in the college fund for your niece.
Me: Huh.
Mom: I also just heard from your old neighbor re your plant she’s looking after. Mrs. Flores won a luxury apartment near the beach in Santa Monica and will be moving. Said she won a sweepstakes.
Me: Wow.
Mom: There’s more. An anonymous donor also funded a new library for my school.
Me: Okay.
Mom: Sounds like someone’s trying to buy his way back into your good graces.
Me: Guess so.
Mom: What do you want to do? Should they accept it?
Me: He can definitely afford it and is doing it willingly, so yes.
Mom: Do you want me to call? Do you want to talk about this?
Me: No. Let me think it over for a while. Thanks.
Mom: xx
It’s a lot to take in. Mrs. Flores will be happy. No more shitty view of the building next door, the stink of the bins, and the city fog. The security it will give my brother and his family is not to be underestimated. Then there’s just the joy that is a new library coming into the world.
“You’ve been busy,” I say, setting aside my phone.
He just keeps on eating.
“College funds and libraries and apartments and all sorts of things.”
He looks up at me from beneath dark brows, but still says nothing.
“Thank you.”
He uses the side of his fork to break apart the fish. “Can I make just one highly apt literary quote without pissing you off?”
“Sure. Why not.”
“‘I hoped to obtain your forgiveness, to lessen your ill opinion, by letting you see that your reproofs had been attended to,’” he says, voice subdued. “‘I can only hope that your good opinion, once lost, is not lost forever.’”
“That’s two literary quotes. Don’t push it.”
“They’re sincerely meant.” His smile is fleeting. “Your friends Natasha and Hanae have also had some unexpected windfalls. They both won hundred-thousand-dollar payouts today.”
“That’ll make a big difference in their lives. By the way, I also did some more research into local and national charities today. I have plans to give away some more of your money.”
“Good. Do it. Hoarding money has yet to actually make anyone in my family happy.” He thinks for a moment. “You wanted to know about the therapist. We talked about my family and you and life in general for a few hours. The general message seemed to be that I can’t blame lack of affection and attention from my parents for screwing up everything for the rest of my life. My bad choices caused this situation.”
“I see.”
“So I need to accept and let go of the fact that Mom spent most of my childhood being too busy to deal with me and Dad wasn’t any better. Did I ever tell you about the time he forgot I was visiting and went on holiday without me?” he asks. “Guess you could say I haven’t had many positive adult or relationship examples in my life. Not that it’s an excuse. I shouldn’t have lied to you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” I say.
“Shitty parents messing up your life only works so long, then you’ve got to sort your own self out. I think that’s what’s called being an adult.”
“True.”
“You were right when you said we would have been fine if I’d just let us be,” he admits.
My throat is dry all of a sudden. Stupid emotions. “I was never there for the diamond watches or luxury vehicles, Beck. I was there for you.”
“I know that now.”
“Not that they weren’t fun, but they were never necessary. Being with you, having your attention, working through what was between us and building something for the future, that’s what matters to me.”
“I hear you.” He nods. “I’ve never been in love before. I’ve never loved someone like I love you. Again, not an excuse. But I’m hoping when you’ve had a chance to think it over, you will see it as a reason to maybe give us another chance.”
My frown feels mighty indeed and my head is abuzz. So many feelings and thoughts spinning around and around. “You know, I’ve never been good at saying the right thing or doing the right thing or managing to exist correctly, apparently. Except with you.”
His gaze is so sad. “I’m sorry, beloved. I’m so fucking sorry.”
All I can do is stare. A chunk of his hair has flopped over his forehead and his gaze is all tense. The need to throw myself at him is immense. To just be done with all of this division.
“How do I trust you?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” He blinks. “I can keep on apologizing and promise that I’ll never lie to you about anything ever again, but…I don’t know exactly how we get past this and I fucking hate that because it’s all on me.”
My throat is all tight, my eyes itchy. Emotional upheaval is an unrelenting bitch.
“Though, just briefly going back to the sex thing. I’ve been giving it some thought and I think I was wrong to make us wait. I underrated the importance of physical intimacy.”
“Oh?”
“You quit your job, moved states, and started a whole new life for me. And in return, I did not have your back in the way I should have,” he says. “There was always family and business shit distracting me. I failed to support and fuck you like a good boyfriend would have in the same situation.”
I think it over. “Okay.”
“That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“That you love me too and we can get back together now would be nice.”
“And then there’s the whole trust issue still, Beck.”
“If you think I’m ever going to lie or mislead you again, you’re wrong,” he says, tone emphatic. “I just spent the worst twenty-four or so hours of my life trying to figure out how I could have been stupid enough to mess things up in the first place.”
I sigh. “I’m not going anywhere.”