She thinks Shona is a ‘type’, whatever that means. I suspect it’s because she’s the sort of woman who can still get away with skinny jeans and a cropped T-shirt, but you can’t hold that against her. It’s not her fault Tessa and I prefer wine and crisps to a healthy salad and sparkling mineral water.
‘She’s okay, Tess. She’s just finding her feet.’
‘Well, unless you want her to hear what’s worrying you, you’d better pretend you’ve not seen her.’
In spite of everything, I laugh. ‘What are we? Twelve?’
I turn round and wave to Shona, indicating that she should come and join us. My problems can wait for now. I’m probably worrying too much.
‘Jesus, Jo, what did you do that for?’
‘Don’t be mean.’ I stand up as Shona arrives at our table and give her a brief hug.
‘What brings you here this morning?’ Tessa can’t resist, it seems.
‘I remembered you said something the other night about how delicious the pastries are. My mum’s coming for a visit, so I thought I’d pick up something tasty for her. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?’
‘Of course not,’ I say, giving Tessa a look.
‘Can I get either of you another coffee?’ she asks, but we both shake our heads.
I’m wondering what topic to raise that will avoid a caustic remark from Tessa, who can be quite cutting when the mood takes her, when she slithers down in her seat, practically disappearing under the table.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ she mutters.
Before I have time to say anything, I hear another voice: ‘Tessa! I was hoping I might find you here. Ladies, may I join you?’
It’s Geoff, Tessa’s latest conquest. He’s clearly not got the message, but his wide smile is showing traces of a tremor at one corner of his mouth. The poor guy’s doing his best, but Tessa’s having none of it.
‘Not here, Geoff. Come on. I’ll talk to you outside.’
She starts to fish around in her bag for her purse.
‘I’ve got this,’ I tell her, and she gives me a cross between a grateful smile and a look which says Help! There’s nothing I can do. This is down to her.
After she’s gone, Shona is understandably confused, and I try to make light of it.
‘Just some guy who hasn’t taken rejection well.’
‘Married?’
I shrug as if I don’t know, but I guess she’s heard of Tessa’s reputation.
‘Don’t worry. I won’t say a word, and who am I to judge? When you get to our age it sometimes seems that all the best men are taken,’ she says. ‘You’re lucky – you’ve got Ash. I’d love to meet him. What’s he like?’
I stir my coffee as I think what to say.
‘He’s very different to me,’ I say finally. ‘He’s serious, organised. Maybe that’s why he’s so good for me, because I’m neither of those things, as you probably gathered when you came round to my house, and he’s a wonderful dad to Millie.’
‘It’s reassuring to meet someone who’s happy in their relationship. How many people do you know who can truly say that?’
I smile but keep my thoughts to myself. Tessa’s the only person who knows that Ash and I have argued recently, but I’m hoping I’m going to be able to put it right soon and I don’t really want to talk about it.
‘How about you?’ I ask. ‘Anyone on the scene?’
‘Not at the moment, no.’ She pauses as if trying to decide something. ‘Don’t mention it to anyone, but I’ve decided to have a go at online dating. Only for a bit of fun – I don’t hold out much hope that I’ll find anyone long term, but it might be good for morale.’
She digs her phone out of her bag to show me some of the men she’s found on Tinder, asking should she swipe left or right? What do I think? I haven’t got a clue what either means, but she seems keen to get my opinion.
As I sip my flat white, she leans a bit closer so I can get a better look at her phone, and I catch a whiff of perfume.
‘Is that Elie Saab you’re wearing?’ I ask.
‘It is. How on earth did you know that?’
‘Because it’s my favourite. Ash bought me some for my birthday last month. I’m trying to eke it out for as long as I can, because it’s not like him to buy me something so extravagant. He’s usually more of a slippers kind of guy.’
I laugh, but Shona frowns slightly. Maybe she doesn’t think much of slippers as a present. But then she grins and moves her chair a bit closer.
‘Obviously if we like the same perfume, we’ve got the same taste, so you’re the perfect person to help me decide which of these men to choose.’
I feign interest as the various faces come up on the screen, pretending enthusiasm when she thinks one of them looks hot. Then a face comes up that she lingers on for a moment, mutters, ‘Gorgeous, but not my type,’ and swipes left – which I now understand means he has been rejected.
‘Go back,’ I say, more abruptly than I mean to.
She frowns. ‘He looked a bit stern, I thought. Not a lot of fun.’
‘No, but I’d just like another look.’
Shona raises her eyebrows as if she thinks I might be interested myself and returns to his profile. She’s right. It is a solemn face. A generous mouth, skin the colour of butter-rich toffee, brown eyes and thick black curly hair cut close to his head. The light glints off his glasses, and I stare for too long.
‘No, you’re right. Not your type at all,’ I say finally.
I feel as if someone has punched me in the chest. The face on the screen is well known to me.
It’s Ash.
4
Thursday
It’s three days since I saw Ash’s photo on Tinder, and I still haven’t dealt with it.
In the café Shona had carried on chatting to me about the men she’d selected as I mechanically sipped my coffee, but I couldn’t keep up the fake interest for long. I had to get away from her before I blurted out whose photo she’d just shown me.
‘Sorry, Shona – can you give me a moment?’ I said, jumping to my feet, barely registering her surprise. ‘I think I should check on Tessa. She’s been gone a while, and I’m worried that Geoff’s giving her a hard time. Can you keep an eye on my things, please?’
I turned and hurried away from the table, veering off to the Ladies to lock myself in a cubicle. I leaned against the door, trying to calm the thudding in my chest.
What did it mean? Why would Ash be on Tinder?
I wanted to phone him, ask him, demand an answer, but I’d left my phone on the table.
It took forever for me to calm down, but finally I took some deep breaths and headed back into the café, ready to make an excuse and leave.
Tessa had returned to the table and she knew something was wrong.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘You look a bit pale.’
Shona was watching me, a perplexed expression on her face.
‘It’s bloody cold out there, and I’ve been combing the streets to make sure you were okay, Tess. Couldn’t find you. Obviously.’