Millie looks anxiously from me to the two people sitting opposite me on the sofa, and I take a deep breath and offer her my most reassuring smile. She walks slowly towards me and climbs on my knee, which only serves to demonstrate how scared she is. Whatever happens, I need to make her feel calm.
‘Millie, Janet wants to talk to you about something. It’s nothing to worry about. All you have to do is answer some questions. Okay, poppet?’
‘What kind of questions?’
Janet speaks before I have a chance. ‘Nothing difficult, Millie. It’s not a test, like you get at school. We just want to ask you about what you like doing, talk to you about your family, your favourite games. All very easy.’
‘See,’ I add. ‘It’s going to be fine.’
She looks into my eyes, which I try to make as smiley as possible. ‘Okay,’ she whispers.
‘Tell you what,’ Janet says. ‘Why don’t you pop up to your room and find your favourite toy to bring with you?’
I feel Millie’s body stiffen. ‘Where are we going?’ she asks me.
‘We need to take you to a special place. You’ll like it – there are lots of toys there for you to play with, and we won’t keep you long.’
I want to scream at this woman, but not in front of Millie.
‘That’s a good idea,’ I tell her. ‘Why don’t you go and find JuJu?’
I give her a peck on the cheek and another beam, and Millie climbs off my knee and heads off to collect her rag doll.
The minute the door is closed, the smile drops from my face and I lean forward, elbows on knees.
‘If I’m not with her, who’s going to look after her? She’s not going on her own.’
Janet shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry, but in these circumstances she can’t have anyone with her who is close to the family. They might try to protect either your partner, or even you. Safeguarding is, of course, always a high priority for us, so I’ve been nominated by the police to be her appropriate adult. I’m trained for the job, Miss Palmer. I’ll make sure she’s fine. Bob will be asking the questions, and I’ll take very great care of her. We do this all the time, I promise.’
That’s no comfort to me.
‘We need to make this as easy as possible on Millie,’ Bob says. ‘I have a daughter her age. I’ll be gentle with her, but we need to get to the bottom of what’s been happening, for her sake. And once we’ve spoken to both Mr Rajavi and Millie, we may need to ask you some questions too.’
I want to scream at them that nothing has been happening, but a dreadful thought is nagging away at the back of my mind. Have I been blind? Have I missed something? I push it away and focus on Millie and what’s happening right now.
‘Where – and I want to know precisely – are you taking her?’
Janet dictates the address and phone number and I type them into my phone.
‘It’s a social services safe centre,’ she adds. That’s a small crumb of comfort. At least Millie’s not being taken to a police station on a Saturday night. ‘She’ll be back with you before you know it, I promise.’
I realise I haven’t even asked which police station they’ve taken Ash to. I’ve been solely focused on Millie, but when I demand to know, Bob gives me the details. I’m about to ask him when he thinks Ash will be home when the door is pushed open again and Millie enters, holding JuJu tight to her chest.
‘Okay, Millie, let’s get your coat,’ Janet says.
Millie looks at me, her eyes round. ‘Are you coming, Mummy?’
I get down on my knees in front of her so my eyes are level with hers and gently hold her hands.
‘No, I can’t, sweetheart. I’ve got to wait here, but Janet’s going to look after you.’
I give her my best reassuring smile, but I can see the confusion in my daughter’s eyes so I push myself back to my feet and pick her up. She wraps her arms round my neck, her legs round my waist. Her hot tears fall onto my face, and I screw my eyes tight to stop myself from crying.
‘I don’t want to go without you, Mummy,’ she sobs.
‘It’s not for long, baby. You’ll be back in no time.’ My heart feels as if it’s being ripped in two.
‘Promise,’ she says with a gulp.
‘Promise,’ I say.
I put her down as we reach the door and I help her to slip her coat on.
‘Can I have your mobile number, Miss Palmer?’ Bob asks. ‘We’ll be in touch. And it’s better if you don’t leave the house in case we need to send someone to question you.’
Trying my best to keep my voice steady, I give him the details, which he notes down on a pad, and then I watch as they walk down the path with Millie towards a car parked on the drive behind mine. I can’t take my eyes off Millie as she climbs into a child seat in the back. She looks so small, and I do my best to give her a cheery wave as if this is all perfectly fine.
But it isn’t. It’s the worst moment of my life.
8
As Millie was driven away from me, I stood in the open doorway, watching the car until it disappeared from view, hoping I might see it turn and head back towards me. But of course it didn’t. Finally, I forced myself to accept that she had gone, closed the door, leaned against it and slowly slid down to the floor, dropping my head onto my bent knees.
I’ve been sitting in the same place, propped against the front door, ever since. I seem to lack the energy to get to my feet. I can’t cry. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a pain so deep it was beyond tears. But now I do.
I feel so helpless, and my chest aches with longing to hold my daughter. I can’t think of one single thing I can do that will help Millie and bring her back to me. And what about Ash? I can’t believe he would hurt her.
A thought hits me, slams into me like a truck. How many women have believed in their men, only to discover they’ve been wrong all along?
‘No, no, no,’ I mumble, pressing my hands to either side of my head. I couldn’t have been that blind.
Hating myself, I start to sift through memories, wondering if I’ve missed something. Has there been any evidence that she has been hurt? She’s had the odd bruise, but surely no more than any other child? I’ve seen nothing to suggest that she’s in pain, and there’s nothing in the way Ash treats Millie or in her attitude to him that gives me any reason to doubt his love and devotion to her. But what if his affection is given as a reward for her silence? What if she appears to adore him so much because she thinks that’s the best way to keep herself safe?
No! I can’t believe Ash could be so devious, so calculating. Surely I would have seen the signs?
Then another memory – one I have been trying to ignore – strikes me, and I have to face the fact that less than a week ago I saw his face on a dating site, and try as I might to dismiss it as a stolen photograph from the web or someone’s idea of a joke, I have to admit that I’ve doubted him.
Until then I had never for a moment thought he would be unfaithful, but if I was wrong about that, what else have I been wrong about?
What have you done, Ash?
Whatever the truth, the only thing that matters now is my daughter.