“Poor bestie,” Hannah says, popping up beside me with a jumbo frozen strawberry margarita, my favorite. “One more month.”
I groan, my mouth literally salivating for a drink. “Even Bisabuela is sipping on a mimosa. You’re all evil.”
“S’cuse me, little lady.” I turn to find my husband with a frozen strawberry concoction gripped in his hand.
“You come here to tease me too?”
“Actually,” he says, adding a little umbrella to the top, “Thought you might like a virgin ‘rita.” He levels me with a blinding smile. “Sprinkled a little extra love on top.”
“Blue sugar crystals?” I laugh. “Nice.”
He winks.
Just then, Hannah’s voice comes in over the surround sound. I turn to find her standing on a stool in the center of the kitchen. “Now that we’ve all filled our bellies, it’s time for some good old-fashioned humiliation.” She follows that up with a snarky laugh. “Y’all thought I was gonna say fun, huh? Oh, it’ll be that too…for us girls at least.” She takes a sip from her drink. “I need all the men. Get your sexy, Wrangler-clad booties up here. Yep, you too, Carlos.”
My father’s dark leathery skin turns rosy when everyone’s eyes find him trying to disappear behind Mami.
“Y’all ‘bout to deliver some babies.”
Liam busts a gut laughing when he sees the men all starting to freak out.
“I don’t know what you’re laughing at, Liam. You’re playin’ too.”
Liam
Take it like a champ
My wife swats me on the ass, sending me out to join the guys.
“First, I’m gonna need y’all to take off your shirts.”
“What in the Chip ‘n’ Dales kinda shit you got us doing, Hannah Banana?”
She sends me a wink. “My friend, Maria, is gonna fit you with hospital gowns—oh, calm down,” she adds when we all start groaning. “It’s just some extra-large white tees.”
It takes us a minute to get out of our button downs and suited up. I have no fucking clue what this chick is up to. Delivering babies could be a whole lotta things.
My wife disappears for a minute, returning with a rolling laundry hamper filled with yellow balloons.
“Fret not, dear men. The babies have arrived!”
Nya and Maria go to town shoving balloons up our shirts while Hannah explains the rules.
“At the sound of my whistle, y’all gotta deliver those balloon babies by any means necessary. You can’t use your hands, and you’re automatically disqualified if you pop your baby. The winner gets this lovely fifth of Crown. May the best laborer win!”
Hmm. Sounds easy enough.
It sounds easy… but we all soon discover, it’s not. With my hands on the back of my head, I begin to roll my hips, but the damn thing doesn’t budge. Quickly realizing this isn’t going to work, I move on to tactic number two, jumping jacks.
The sound of the girls hooting with laughter draws my attention. I turn to see what all of the fuss is about, to find my damn brother twerking his ass off.
“He got them moves from me,” Pops shouts, riling ’em up even more.
Cliff’s balloon is halfway down the birth canal at this point, and I’m desperately trying to figure out how to get mine out of my ribs. I rush over to where Chance is Hula-hooping the air and try nudging it out with his ass.
“What the f—” He spins around, ready to deck me.
“Come on man… Don’t let Cliff beat me.”
“You’re on your own, brother. That Crown is as good as mine.”
By now the room has erupted into complete chaos. Grown-ass men are gyrating and bending in every unnatural position you can imagine. Our competitive nature knows no bounds.
I drop to the floor, wiggling on my side to try and work the balloon out. By the time the whistle blows, signaling a winner, I’m covered in sweat and still carrying high.
When Cliff hoists his prize into the air like he’s holding the fucking Lombardi Trophy, I kinda wanna deck him. Apparently, sibling rivalry never wanes.
“We have one more competition that’s just for the guys.” Hannah has situated herself on top of the island this time. She’s holding a tray of baby bottles in her right hand and the mic in her left. “Each of these bottles has half a beer inside. The first to drink his bottle dry will win a brand-new car….!” She stretches the end out, sounding just like that guy on The Price Is Right. “Just kidding, y’all. The winner gets an unlimited use six-month membership to that new automatic carwash place on Center Street.”
“Well that sucks,” my brother groans. “What the hell am I gonna do with that? I don’t even live here.”
“Give it to Liam…he paid for it. Or use it to woo Maria.” She shrugs. “You have options.”
“This one’s for you, Maria!” the idiot says, lining up for his bottle, his competitive drive renewed.
Pretty sure that woman is going to kick him in the junk before today is over with, and he will one hundred percent deserve it.
Once we’ve all been handed a bottle and checked to make sure they’re all filled to four ounces, the whistle is blown.
In case you were wondering, one does not simply chug from a baby bottle. My fucking jaw feels like it’s about to dislocate from the level of suction I’ve got to put on this thing to get the smallest stream going. The whole time all I can imagine is my little baby having to work this hard for a meal and wondering how the fuck this isn’t classified as child abuse.
“Oh, come on, boys, suck harder.”
That comment earns Hannah a room full of middle fingers.
“Almost there, baby. Oh yeah. Yeah. Just like that.” Nya is in my ear, egging me on. “You’re taking it like a champ.”
Beer sprays from my mouth, disqualifying me from the competition. “That was such a dick move.”
My wife smiles triumphantly. “I’ve been waiting all month to be able to say that.”
Dad and Carlos give up shortly after I blow my load. One by one, the other guys start dropping like flies, leaving only Chance and Cliff standing.
It’s been like five whole minutes, and, I’m not even kidding, their bottles are still half-full when all of a sudden Chance drains his in seconds.
“Done!” he shouts, slamming the little plastic bottle down on the countertop.
“What did you do?” Hannah is shook as she examines the mutilated nipple. “You ate it?”
He shrugs.
I shudder. “Keep your mouth away from my dick.”
“Not a problem.”
Hannah’s hands move to cup her breasts, her face still horrified. “I mean, I never thought I’d say this, but you might need to keep your mouth away from my titties!”
Chance laps his tongue in the air as he takes the gift certificate from his girl.
We split into girls and guys for the next few games, competing for a coupon book for either Nya or myself. This book is filled with handy little get-out-of-jail-free cards such as, “pass the poopy diaper,” “girls/guys night out,” “My turn to sleep in,” “full body massage,” etc.