First up: changing a baby doll blindfolded, where we have to remove the doll’s onesie and diaper, replacing them with new ones that are inside of a diaper bag. Bisabuela is seated at the opposite end of the table to determine when the job is done. The hardest part by far is lining up the snaps on the clothing properly. The girls win this one by a mile. My teammates suck.
Next, we play pin the sperm on the egg, some ridiculous game Hannah found online. There is no real skill required here, which is perfect for my crew. We end up taking this round.
The final game is Baby Shower Feud, played just like Family Feud, but with baby questions. Another little gem Hannah found online. She sits this one out, controlling the slides and projector since Bisabuela isn’t quite up to date with technology.
This one is a whole lot of fun for everyone. The questions are things like “What would you do to calm a crying baby?” And, “Name something you would find in a diaper bag.”
“All right ladies, this one is for the win. If you miss it and the guys steal, Nya loses out on that coupon book!” She moves her eyes slowly down the row of women seated on the couch, giving them a warning glare. “What do new parents miss most about their pre-baby lives?”
“Sleep!” Maria answers, earning the approval of her teammates when it comes up as the number one answer. No surprise there.
My mother is up next and practically bouncing out of her seat to give her answer. “Sex!”
“Ugh, Mom.” This shit right here is why these parties are usually not coed.
“Don’t you worry, honey… it comes back after they move out.” She gives me and Cliff a triumphant smirk, and I kinda wanna barf when Dad responds.
“Damn right it does.”
Our hostess can’t stop laughing at my embarrassment. “Survey says, yes!”
“I don’t understand this,” Sofia mumbles with her brows furrowed. “Why can’t parents have sex?”
Hannah looks from Sofia to Carlos and waggles her brows. “Moving right along.”
The women tick off the answers one after another: “freedom,” “money,” and “waistline,” earning my wife the coveted book.
She jumps up out of that seat, waving it around like Willy Wonka’s golden ticket. Fuck, but she’s adorable, waddling around like a little penguin.
I’m not at all disappointed that we lost, having fully intended to give her the book if I’d won anyway. I’ve got a lot to make up for in being absent so much in the beginning with Ellie.
This time around things are going to be different.
Liam
Showtime
“Liam!”
I’m in the kitchen, jamming to some old school rock while preparing an all-American breakfast for my girls when I hear my wife calling my name from the bathroom. “Don’t touch anything til I get back,” I instruct my daughter as she snatches a piece of bacon from the tray before switching off the burners and griddle.
“Is it time?” I’m panting when I reach the bathroom, ready to wrap her in a robe and toss her into the car.
“No, idiota.” Idiot. She’s kicked back in her oversized clawfoot tub, looking like a queen, with bubbles piled to the top and just the peak of her pregnant belly showing. “I need your help.”
“Sure thing, babycakes. Want me to scrub your back?” I approach the tub, leaning over to whisper into her ear. “Provide some more semen to soften the cervix?”
She clears her throat. “I can’t see to shave my pubes.”
My eyes widen. My suggestion sounded like a whole lot more fun. “Come again?”
“I’m due in two days, Liam. I can’t deliver this baby with a forest down there. You’re going to have to shave me.”
“Nuh-uh. Call Hannah. I’m not getting anywhere near your vagina with a blade.”
Her eyes roll. “I think the easiest way to accomplish this is if I lay on the floor of your shower? Then we can just rinse the pubes down the drain.”
I’m pacing the bathroom now. “Woman, I said no.”
“Cut the shit, husband. You helped create this problem, and you can help get me out of it. Hannah and I are not shave each other’s pubic hair close, okay?”
I cringe. “Hate to tell ya this, darlin’, but neither are we.”
Completely disregarding anything I’m saying, she pulls the plug with her toes. “Help me out of here?”
Sigh. I retrieve her white fluffy bath sheet from the hook and hold it under my arms while easing her up and out of the tub. “They aren’t that bad,” I lie, staring down at the inch-long hairs between her legs. “You don’t really need to groom them.”
“I can’t see over my belly to shave them.” She wraps the towel, hiding herself from view. “I can, however, see the disaster that it has become in the mirror.” Her eyes start to well with tears. I can’t wait til this baby is born and she stops being so sensitive. I never thought I’d miss being yelled at, but I’d take that any day over her tears. “Forget it. I’ll just be humiliated while delivering our baby because you are too selfish to help me.”
Five minutes later she’s spread-eagled, resting back on her elbows in my shower. I’ve got a bucket of warm water, a pink Venus razor, and lavender-scented shaving cream laid out in front of me. The things I do for this woman.
By the time we make it out to breakfast, my appetite is gone, washed down the drain with my wife’s pubes. Nya and Ellie, however, demolish the platters of eggs, bacon, and hash browns in no time.
“There’s Mrs. Larson.” Ellie wipes her mouth at the sound of the car horn before giving us each a kiss and running out to hitch a ride to her first day of sixth grade.
“So.” I lean across the island toward my wife. “What’s it gonna be today? Cum shots? Nipple stimulation? I am here for all of your baby evicting needs.”
Her eyes widen and she pulls her lips into a flat line. “Won’t be necessary.”
“Really? You’re no fun.”
“My water just broke.”
Suddenly I’m feeling a little green. “Oh, God. See what you made me do? Bet I nicked it with the razor.”
“The bag of water is way up inside. You couldn’t have nicked it. Don’t be ridiculous.”
I’m running around the house collecting bags and keys and shoes while she looks on, smiling behind her hand.
“What?” I toss my hands in the air. “Don’t just sit there. Get in the car, woman. It’s time to meet our son!”
“You’re so cute.” She bites down obnoxiously on her lower lip. “Too bad sex might introduce infection now that the water has busted, because you’re hella sexy right now, husband.”
I walk up behind her, placing my hands under her arms and lifting her from her chair. “Don’t toy with me. Let’s go. Aren’t you supposed to be breathing funny and screaming through contractions or something?”
She shrugs me off, laughing. “I’m going to go change into some dry clothes so I don’t look like I’ve pissed myself, and then we can go. Babies don’t just fall out, you know.”
When we arrive at the hospital, we’re taken to the labor and delivery ward, where the liquid is tested to be sure it isn’t urine.