“I—I,” she stammers, and I cut her off.
“If this was all nothing more than a joke to you…well now, that’s just fucking cruel to both me and our daughter.”
My reluctant bride stares up at me with wide eyes and trembling lips, but before she can formulate a response, she’s bouncing around on one foot. I glimpse down to find that her right shoe is covered in shit. The string of curses that flies from her mouth in front of her entire family and childhood priest would make even the most ruthless of pirates blush.
“Stupid. Stupid donkey!” Tears spring to her eyes. “Filthy, uncivilized…”
“Such a jackass,” I snort, unable to keep myself from laughing at the sight of her hopping around trying to kick off her manure covered heel.
“Of course, you think this is funny.”
“Fucking hilarious.”
Nya
Peter Peter
I’m dangerously close to chucking the paperweight clutched in my palm at the back of Liam’s head if he doesn’t stop humming along to the music blasting through his headphones. The screech of the bus’s brakes saves him. Three-fifteen, finally. Thank you, Jesus.
You know how they say time flies when you’re having fun? Yeah, well, trust me—the opposite is just as true. Our first day of sharing an office has been excruciating. I feel like I’ve been watching paint dry all day and just as productive too.
The opening and slamming of the front door rattles my just-filled cup of hot tea and alerts my nemesis to our daughter’s arrival.
“Kennedi’s parents are throwing a Halloween party on Saturday night, and I was thinking we could all go together. You know, as a family?” Ellie’s eyes are wide with excitement as she bursts through the French doors to my—er, correction—our office…for now anyway—without so much as a wave.
“What? No hello?”
Ellie’s cheeks flush at my reprimand as she plops onto the floor on the white shag carpet between us, unzipping her backpack and emptying its contents. She smiles up at us. “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.”
At least one good thing is coming out of this insane arrangement; I can’t remember a time I’ve ever seen her so happy. My gut churns anyway, my protective instincts unable to stop worrying over how crushed she’ll be when it all comes crashing to an end. Because no matter how far in denial Liam might have fallen, I know that it will.
“Hey, princess.” Liam spins in his chair, lowering his silver Beats to hook around his neck. The megawatt smile he greets his baby girl with has my ovaries exploding like two live grenades. It was bound to happen…my overeager girly bits didn’t stand a chance after the mounting tension of spending the entire day so near to him. I couldn’t help but periodically sneak little glimpses at his pursed lips, his jaw tensed and ticking the way I remember it used to whenever he was deep in concentration. The scent of his cologne overpowering the small room had my pulse rocketing through the damn roof. Oh, and let’s not forget those frustrated groans and deep breaths, which sent my mind veering right to the bedroom. Needless to say, I’ve gotten next to no work done with him all up in my space.
I’ve finally reached the point of no return. Rest in peace, baby factory. It’s not like I’ll be needing you anyway, considering how I just threw away the only solid relationship I’ve managed since our divorce ten years ago. If it takes me as long to find someone new, my eggs will all be shriveled and useless.
“That sounds like a lot of fun. Right, Nya?”
I’d rather walk a mile over hot coals. “Sure…yeah.” I have little choice but to agree. He’s trying so damn hard that if I don’t at least appear to be making as much of an effort, I’ll end up the bad guy.
“I’m gonna be Wednesday. You know, the grumpy daughter from The Addams Family?” How fitting. With a finger, she parts her hair down the middle, pulling it in front of her shoulders, and gives us her best death stare.
Liam’s grin turns cynical. “You know, wife, we could go as Morticia and Gomez…complete with canoodling.” He quirks his right brow. “Whattaya say?”
I choke on my tea, dribbling it down my chin and all over my white blouse. “Over my dead body.”
“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun!” Ellie tilts her head to the side, fluttering her bright blue eyes my way.
“I said we can go.” My mind starts spinning. “But I already had a costume. That’s all.”
“Oh, okay. Well, what is it?”
I blurt out the first thing I can think of without a complementary “his” costume for Liam to try and match me. “Ah, umm…a pumpkin.” I smile big, clearing my throat. “And I’m really excited about it… always wanted to be a pumpkin.”
“Hmm.” El screws up her face then shrugs. “Could be cute…What about you, Dad?”
“I’m not sure.” His large hand scrubs over the scruff on his chin. “I was really stuck on Gomez.” I can practically see the wheels in that clever brain of his turning. “I’ll think of something. Don’t you worry.”
“Can’t wait to see what you come up with,” I grit through a strained smile, trying to think of what he could possibly be cooking up over there, because I know that look… those knitted brows and that devilish gleam twinkling in his eyes tells me I have reason to worry.
“Whatever I choose, I promise, it’s going to be epic!”
Epically awful, I’m sure…
“What time is your father supposed to arrive?” I’m filled with nervous energy as Ellie and I walk hand in hand along the cobblestone path that leads to the front door of the Larson’s enormous house. Spooky music, accompanied by orange and purple flashing lights, greets us. Mother Nature couldn’t have cooperated better with the chilly night and enormous full moon glowing orange overhead. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was all part of the plan.
“Umm, he said in an hour or so, when I talked to him. He had to stop by Uncle Chance’s place to drop off some papers.” She stops when we reach the door, smoothing her hair and sucking in a deep breath.
“You look perfect, mija. Why are you so nervous? Got a boyfriend you forgot to tell me about?”
She looks up at me, cracking a huge smile. “I’m not…I’m just excited, Mom. I still can’t believe we’re all gonna be here together. I’ll be just like everyone else.” Her cold hand squeezes mine. “With both of my parents at the same time!”
“I’m happy you’re happy, baby.” My good friend Mom Guilt knots tighter in my gut, because the Lord knows I went into this with the best of intentions. But I just can’t see a way out that won’t crush her.
As she leans forward to knock, I adjust my black and orange tutu and send up a silent prayer he shows up.
To be fair, Liam’s been much better since the divorce. I just can’t help but worry every time he and Chance get together that he will lose track of time. That stupid club of theirs was the crux of all our problems. I refused for his daughter and I to play second fiddle then, and he better believe we aren’t going to start now.