“Go on… you went from that to?”
“To nothing.” Her cheeks turn bright red. “I was a newlywed. A brand-new mother. I was sad and felt so abandoned. I was alone, while he,” she shouts, waving an arm in my direction, “was out at his fancy club, schmoozing it up with his best friend and customers.” She snorts, waving a dismissive hand in my direction. “Of course, Liam remembers things differently. He wasn’t around to see any of it happen.”
Fuck. My gut clenches at her words, as I’m reminded of how hurt and just how angry she was. I was stupid. So fucking stupid. I’d give anything to go back and change things, but I can’t.
“So, you gave him an ultimatum?” the therapist asks.
“I did.” She nods. “But only after he missed our daughter’s baptism for some plumbing issue at that damn place.”
The doctor sits quietly for a moment while my wife seethes beside me. I can practically feel the anger coming off of her in waves. “Okay, so…there are obviously some unresolved issues between the two of you.”
Nya harrumphs, to which she is rewarded with her own finger of silence. “Mr. Watts, I couldn’t help but to notice your expression as your wife caught me up on your situation. You still harbor some very strong feelings for her.”
“Well, yeah. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”
“Fair enough. Did you recognize the pain behind your wife’s words?” She laces her fingers in her lap. “Even if you don’t remember everything exactly as she does, did you take the time to truly listen to the emotion buried beneath her anger?”
I shrug.
“Words are our most valuable weapon. In times of anger or intense pain we have a tendency to wield them like a sword in an attempt to disguise our emotions. Emotions we’re at times afraid or possibly even ashamed to feel. Our truth lies somewhere between these words expressed in anger and the hurt one’s trying to bury. This is why communication in a relationship is paramount. It’s going to take honesty, bravery, and loads of grace to repair the damage between you two. But in just the short while we’ve spent together, even I, a complete stranger, can feel that this is far from over.” With misty eyes she takes one of each of our hands into hers. “So…homework, Mr. Watts. You love this woman, would that be a correct assumption?”
“I do.” I’ve said those two words quite a lot in the last week.
“And you are fully committed to making amends?”
“I am.”
“I’m not going to go as far as to tell you not to listen to what your wife says, because that would be a one-way ticket straight to divorce court, and that is the opposite of what we are trying to achieve.” She laughs. “I want you,” she says, looking at me before turning to Nya, who thinks she’s getting off the hook, “and you as well, to dig deeper. Look beyond what your head is telling you and try listening and acting with your hearts. You may be surprised where they lead you.”
Nya
Body Shots
“Well, I’m feeling pretty good about how that went.” Liam grins at me from across the booth, unfolding his cloth napkin and draping it over his lap. “How ‘bout you?” He passes the other set of wrapped silverware my way.
Is the man completely clueless? My emotions are still running amuck. That’s how I’m feeling. I don’t know why he insisted on a lunch date following that disastrous therapy appointment. Or why I agreed. All I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible and regain control of my wits. It’s what I still want. Feigning nonchalance, I shrug a shoulder. “I don’t see the point in dredging up the past.” I fold my arms in front of me on the table. “Seems counterproductive.”
“The only way past all this shit is to wade through it.”
Well aren’t we philosophical? One therapy appointment and the man thinks he’s Dr. Phil.
Our waiter arrives just in time to prevent me from having to respond. We order our drinks and a loaded nacho with peppers to share. I guess it’s too much to hope for a change of subject once he walks away. This man is relentless.
“It killed me to see you upset like that.” Liam’s hand stretches across the table, covering mine. His eyes hold such sincere regret I have to look away to keep from physically reacting. “I will never forgive myself for hurting you that way. For being so completely blind to it.” He shakes his head to himself. “By the time I realized what was happening, it was already too late.”
I yank my hand away, unrolling my silverware and laying it out before me. Then, I flatten the paper napkin on the tabletop, ripping at the corner. “Yes, well, our marriage didn’t fall apart over night.” I hate how bitter I sound. It’s been ten damn years. I should be over this by now. But he acts like I didn’t even try. Like everything just came out of the blue. Could he really have been so clueless?
“Didn’t it?” His eyes are suddenly accusing. That has my hackles rising. “I get that the baptism was a big deal, but enough to throw our entire marriage away? I just wish we’d have tried harder.” By we, he most definitely means me.
I’m seconds away from snapping. He did well to bring me to a public place for this conversation. My husband is nothing if not smart. Which makes this conversation all the more painful. “That was only the final straw.”
“If you’d have communicated to me how badly you needed me home more to help with the baby instead of expecting me to figure it out…” He blows out a long repentant sigh. “I just wish I’d known. That’s all I’m saying.”
Oh, no. He is not passing this off on me. He wants to bring up the past? I’ll hit him with some hard truths. “A week before Ellie’s baptism, I got a sitter.”
I lean back in my chair, watching the wheels in his mind turning as he tries to figure out where I’d have gone.
“I was tired of being home alone. I missed my husband…” I clear my throat. “I missed you. I didn’t want to bring it up again and make you feel bad because a part of me knew you thought you were doing what was right for us.”
“Where’d you go?” The look of confusion on his face just angers me further. Do I mean to tell him his dutiful wife and baby mama actually left the house?
I spend the next twenty minutes reliving one of my weakest moments. A night I’ve spent years trying to forget.
“Thanks so much for doing this, Hannah.”
“Girl, any time.” She walks over to the bassinet to look in on her niece. “You know I love spending time with this angel.” She kisses her first two fingers before gently touching them to Ellie’s head. “And I’m really liking this new you. No more wallowing. Time to take charge and show that man what he’s missing out on at home.”
She takes the eyeshadow pallete from me, adding the final touches to my makeup. Then I move to the full-length mirror, unable to help homing in on the extra weight around my middle. Dread pools in the pit of my stomach as I smooth a hand along the front of my black dress. It doesn’t help that I feel like a sausage in these Spanx. “I can’t do it.” I’m seconds away from stripping out of this dress and back into my yoga pants and baggy tee. “I’m going to vomit.”