When I got the news Andrew was doing well, I should’ve been happy.
Ecstatic.
But I wasn’t. All I could feel was overwhelming resentment toward my ex-wife. She’d never looked so beautiful, never glowed so bright. Relocating to Rome was the best thing for her, and while she didn’t look happy, she didn’t look stressed either. She’d gotten everything she wanted…and she did it without me.
It made me bitter. Angry.
I wanted Sofia and Andrew to be safe, but I was miserable living under Maddox’s thumb. I was his little bitch, practically a slave. I was a rich man in a powerful position, but I had no rights, no freedoms. I couldn’t have the one thing I wanted more than anything else. It was like she didn’t care…at all.
When Maddox took her and all hope was lost, I sacrificed myself in exchange for her freedom. I threw myself on the grenade so she could get away.
But she abandoned me.
I would’ve judged her if she stayed. In fact, I respected her for choosing herself and our son over me. But the darker side of me couldn’t stop hating her for it. I’d sacrificed so much for this relationship, and it made no difference in the end.
How could she go to the doctor with me and be so calm? How could she be so pragmatic about this whole thing? It’d been two months, so we’d both had time to decompress. There had been a lot of tears when she first left. But I’d never gotten over that phase.
It seemed like she had.
How could she love me as much as I loved her but be fine with all of this?
I wasn’t close to being fine.
It’d been a few days since I’d stormed off and left her on her doorstep. But I hadn’t stopped thinking about that moment from the time I’d gotten home. I went right back to work with numbness all over my body and a scotch in my hand. I was stuck in a never-ending vortex of pain. My life was so meaningless, sometimes I wondered what the point was. If I were dead, Maddox would have no interest in Sofia. I wouldn’t have to live without her.
It was late in the evening as I sat on the couch with the TV on. Living alone was suffocating. I’d preferred isolation, but after I was happily married, I couldn’t imagine being alone again. Now it was just depressing…especially when I thought I heard her voice coming from the closet or the bathroom.
My phone lit up with Sofia’s name.
She was calling me. I watched it ring but didn’t answer. I’d never loved someone and hated them at the same time. But if she ever needed me, I had to be there. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her because I was too pissed off to be reasonable.
I answered the phone. Bitterness was audible. “Yeah?”
“Don’t fucking yeah me.” She launched herself at a million miles an hour, expressing all the rage she’d kept bottled up inside the last few days. She was like the sun, solar flares jumping out everywhere. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to lose you. I hate this so fucking much. You think I like being alone? You think I like being hours away from you? You say that you’re a prisoner, but you have no idea what being a prisoner is really like. You don’t know what it’s like to be chained up and raped, so don’t sit there and act like you and I are the same. We are not the fucking same.” She was harsh in her tone and destructive in her choice of words. She didn’t hold anything back, and her rage was mixed with the distant sound of tears.
I kept the phone to my ear and closed my eyes when she mentioned the most terrible thing we’d had to endure.
“I told you to kill him, and you refused. If you aren’t going to do anything about it, then I have to move on. Don’t you dare judge me for what I did. If I’d never married you in the first place, I never would’ve been raped. You were supposed to protect me, but being with you has caused me more harm than if I were alone. I don’t regret being with you because I loved you, but I can’t be stupid and expect a future to be any different from the past. I have a son to think about now. And what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t give him the life he deserves?”
I continued to listen to her emotional monologue.
“It wasn’t easy for me to leave. It isn’t easy to live here alone. When I imagine you with someone else, it makes me sick to my stomach. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. That is something that will never change. So, don’t paint me out to be a heartless bitch that turned her back on you. I wish things could be different, but for as long as Maddox is around, it can’t be. Be mad all you want, but the person you should be mad at is you…not me.” The phone went silent when she hung up.
I kept the phone to my ear and listened to the dial tone. I opened my eyes once again now that the conversation was over. Well, it wasn’t really a conversation…just a very heated monologue. I should call her back and apologize, but I couldn’t. She was right, but that didn’t take away my anger.
I was angry at her for being so beautiful.
Angry that I couldn’t have her.
Petty and spiteful that someone else would get her someday.
And I would be here…miserable and alone.
“Is it that time of the month?” Maddox stared at me from across the table in the conference room, leaning back in his chair while his arms were perfectly straight on the armrests. His blue eyes were always expressive, whether he was playful or angry. A week had passed since my incident with him in the strip club, and things had been a little tense since that moment.
I turned my gaze on him, keeping up the same apathy.
“I’ve got an Advil in my purse. Do you want it?”
I turned my look away and ignored him.
“Come on, we’re friends. Unburden all your earthly troubles.” He raised his arms, making a welcoming gesture.
“If you think we’re friends, then you’ve never had a friend.”
His eyes slowly turned frosty, his playful demeanor disappearing. “Careful. I’m the only friend you’ve got.”
I continued to stare at him, feeling the slight threat in the room. I didn’t have much concern for my own safety because I had nothing left to live for. Andrew would be better off without me, and there was no hope for Sofia and me. There was nothing Maddox could do to me that actually frightened me. “You really think that’s what we are?” I didn’t understand his psyche, so maybe he truly believed that. He wasn’t fueled by women, money, or possessions. He seemed to have nothing, but everything. His men were loyal to him, but I suspected that was out of fear, not affection.
He cocked his head slightly, like a dog that was trying to understand what was just said. “What else would we be?”
“Do you rape all your friends’ wives?”
He shrugged. “I’ve never raped anyone before. Your wife was my first.” He winked.
I wanted to reach across the table and grab him by the throat. But since that was what he wanted, I stayed in my seat. I felt like a bug under his shoe. One wrong move and I would get squished.
“You want my advice?”
I almost laughed because it was absurd.
“Don’t live in the past. There’s so much shit we have to do.”
I rubbed my hand across my jaw because I didn’t know how else to bottle my anger. I couldn’t imagine living like this every day, subjected to this cruel torture. How could I look at the man who hurt my wife every day…and let him call me a friend?