Oh, so I can love her hips, but I can’t love her? Or do I love her?
Fucking say something, Asher!
“Thanks?”
Her eyes widen, and so do mine. Really? That’s what I say?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
She doesn’t have to say anything more; her body says it all. I know I’ve fucked up royally.
Like my sisters warned, this is about to blow up in my face.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ally
Surely. Surely, I’m dreaming.
This whole night had to be a dream.
It was honestly too perfect. The dress, the shoes, the fuzzy coat, and the unbelievable sex. Oh, and the main part—the fucking ring! It didn’t happen; I dreamed this. All of it. Even my best friend miscarrying a baby she didn’t know about… I have to have dreamed it. Asher stands before me, fear on his face, in nothing but a pair of tight-ass boxers that hug those thighs and show off that massive cock. I can feel the heat coming off his body, see the flush running up his chest and neck.
I pinch my hips, hard. Through the thin shirt I’m wearing, my nails cut into my skin, and it hurts like hell.
This is real.
He really just said Thanks.
What. The. Fuck.
I cover my face, squeezing my brows between my thumb and forefingers. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Ally—”
“What the hell are you doing to me?” I yell, dropping my hands to look at him. “Really, Asher. What are you doing to me?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know. I’m freaking the fuck out, and I don’t know—”
“Because, obviously, you like fucking with me. Is this a joke? Am I just a joke to you?”
He steps toward me, and I hold out my hand, stopping him. He looks like a wounded dog, his eyes pleading with me. “No, Ally. No. You’re not even close to a joke. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I don’t. I want to say it, I do, but I want it to mean something.”
I’m squinting at him, literally squinting. “Seriously? What the hell did this night mean?” I ask, my voice rising. “‘Hey, you’re a great lay, here are some fuck-me-stupid shoes, a dress I can tear off you, and these diamonds. Yeah, no big deal. Let’s throw those in there so you’ll continue to fuck me!’” He shakes his head, trying to get closer to me, but I won’t let him. “Is that what it meant?”
“Ally, please. Calm down.”
“Calm down? Because telling a pissed-off woman to calm down actually fucking calms her down!” He sighs deeply, his face beet red, and I want to kick him. Right in the knee. “I can’t believe this. What am I to you?”
“Everything,” he says with his whole body, his arms outstretched, his shoulders tense as his eyes burn into mine. “Everything, Ally. I promise. I have never felt like this about anyone but you. You’ve got to believe me.”
“Then, why? Why do all this, why give me this ring, if you can’t even tell me you love me?”
“Because I wanted you to feel special. I wanted you to know you mean the world to me.”
“But you don’t love me,” I offer, and again with the blank stare. “So, you haven’t mentally moved from friendship to me being your girlfriend? You’re stuck in the friends with benefits zone that you don’t want to leave because the sex is so good?”
He looks down, taking in a deep breath. “It’s not like that at all. Not even close.”
“Then what is it?” I demand, and his shoulders droop. “Why don’t you love me?” I didn’t intend for my voice to break, it makes me sound weak, but I don’t get it. “I’m awesome. I’m a damn good time. I’m great to look at, and I’m smart. You always said you wanted someone you could talk to, and that’s me. Not only that, Asher, we are great in bed together. So damn good. So please, please explain to me why you don’t love me?”
He doesn’t answer right away. He doesn’t even move. He just drags in deep breaths, his whole body filling with them before he lets them out with a huge exhale. It’s so sad to see, but I refuse to allow myself to feel guilt.
“You’re confusing the fuck out of me, and I deserve an answer,” I insist. “I bet you didn’t do this to Jasmine.”
His eyes cut to mine, and the emotion in them scares the hell out of me. “You’re fucking right, I didn’t. I lied to her. Told her things I never truly meant. But with you, I won’t do that because you’re right, you do deserve better.” He takes a step toward me, and his eyes are swimming in tears. “I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t. I want to be able to look you in the eye and tell you the uninhibited truth, but I can’t do that yet. Giving you the truth, giving you that power, Ally…it scares the fuck out of me.”
“Power?”
“Yes, the power to break me. It scares me.”
I blink. “I hate your fear.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
“I hate it. I think it’s ridiculous because, guess what, I was fucking scared too, but I fell in love with you anyway! I essentially threw my heart at you because I thought you wouldn’t break it. I thought you would protect it, cherish it, just like you do me. But fuck, Asher, what are we even doing?” I cup my forehead and hate the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. “I thought when we decided to take this to the next level, you were with me.”
“Ally, I am.”
“No. You’re not.”
“I fucking am,” he asserts, meeting my gaze, his eyes burning into mine. “I can’t be in love without you.”
I pat myself on the chest, losing control. “I’m right here, Asher. Right here. What else do you want from me? I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my body, Asher. What? What else can I give you to make you see that I love you!”
“Nothing, Ally. You don’t have to give me anything. I know you love me.”
“Then what is the fucking problem?”
His eyes shut slowly, and a tear leaks out and trails down the side of his face, getting lost in his beard. I refuse to acknowledge it—well, at least I try because, without much warning, a sob rips through me. “I’m the problem,” he says in a near-whisper.
“Obviously!” I yell, holding my palms up at him. “So, quit. Is that really too much to ask?”
“No,” he says before he swallows hard. “You’ve got to understand, Ally baby,” he pleads, his eyes meeting mine. “I’ve spent my whole love life lying and keeping girls at bay. I’d never let any of them get close. But there is no keeping you at bay. I want you to be woven into my life. I want to be close to you because you make me feel. But when you make me feel, you scare me. I never fully opened up to anyone because if things went south, it wouldn’t matter. You know me. You get me, and if I give you all of me, I could lose you.”
I throw up my hands and let out a groan that the neighbors probably can hear. They’re getting quite the show tonight. “Asher, you don’t know that.”
“I do,” he says matter-of-factly. “My dad lost my mom, Shea lost Elli, Aiden lost Shelli. Hell, Posey almost died, which would make Boon lose her. Shit, Ally, can’t you see the risk—”