I grab him by his shorts, yanking him to me. “I am worth the fucking risk, Asher. William. Brooks.” I poke my finger into the middle of his chest. “Either figure that out, or let me the fuck go.”
I start to move away, but he grabs my shoulders, keeping me in place. “I cannot lose you.”
“I will not stand around and be played with.”
“I’m not—”
“If you don’t love me, you’re playing with me to keep me around for your selfish needs. I am not here for that, and I will not be treated this way.”
I go to turn, but he stops me. “I’m not doing that. I care so much for you—”
“As a friend,” I say, yanking my arm from his.
He looks helpless. “Yes, Ally, you are my best friend.”
I shake my head, the tears falling faster, and I know what I promised. I do. But everything hurts. “Then, as your best friend, take my advice. Acknowledge what you have in your hands, or walk away.”
My eyes are held hostage by him for longer than I intend. When I’m finally able to tear them away, I gather my things and slide on some pants. I wipe my face, certain I am doing the right thing. I’m all for being patient and not rushing him, but he doesn’t get to give me the best night of my life, say he wants my future, but then not admit to loving me. I know he does. I fucking know it, and he shouldn’t struggle to tell me so. I walk into the living room to grab my keys. As much as I want to ignore him, I see him leaning on the bar, watching me.
I don’t mean to meet his gaze, but somehow, I do. He sucks in a deep breath, his eyes begging mine. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’ve got an early morning, and you need to find Jesus or something.”
I’m met with silence. “You’re not leaving because of your early morning.”
“Well, no shit,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m leaving because you’ve hurt me.”
He looks away. “See, that’s what happens when you let feelings—”
“Yeah, it does. And you know what, Ash. I still love you. I love you with every part of my body. Look in a mirror, dude, do some soul-searching. Because, guess what, you love me too. You’re just allowing your fear to dictate what potentially could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Ally—”
“You know what? Call someone. Call Aiden. He’s done this—”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” he announces, coming off the bar. He points to me. “I only want to talk to you.”
I drag my hand down my face, wiping my cheek free of tears. “Yeah, well, I don’t want to talk to you right now. I need some time. Stay away from me.”
I turn on my heel and head out. As I shut the door behind me, I urge myself to keep taking steps, but it’s so hard. When I reach the elevator, I hear him running behind me. “Please don’t leave like this.”
“What would you rather I leave as?” I ask as I step onto the elevator. “Want me to tell you I like being played with? That it’s okay?”
“I’m not playing with you.” He holds the elevator doors open with his arm. “I promise I’m not. That’s not my intention.”
My lip trembles as I cross my arms over my chest. “Well, it feels like a game, Asher. A game I can’t play. Not with how I feel for you. Not when I know you can feel the same for me if you only allow yourself.”
“Ally.”
“Let me go, Asher. There is nothing left to say.”
He steps toward me, and I back up until my body hits the back of the elevator. He wraps his arms around me, holding me close, and I close my eyes when he nuzzles my neck with his mouth. I hold him, squeezing him, unable to resist. “I don’t want this. I don’t want this fight. I don’t want to hurt you,” he says against my neck, and my heart shatters in my chest.
I can’t do this.
I won’t be a pawn in his game.
His comfort.
His new version of Jasmine.
I am better than that.
I push off the back of the elevator and push him away, detangling him from me as he steps out of the elevator. His face is full of pure shock; I’ve never in my life stopped hugging him first. Never. As the door slowly shuts, I can hardly see him through my tears, but with all the strength I can muster, I say, “All I want is for you to love me.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ally
I’ve had my heart broken before, and each time, it hurt. No one wants to be dropped like a bad habit. I’ve always wanted to be loved. I want what my parents have, and in my heart, I always knew I would have it with Asher. I knew it would take a while, had to grow the balls to tell him how I felt, but once I did, we’d live happily ever after. In my mind, it was all so perfect. Everything I wanted. But what I didn’t expect to happen was for him throw a wrench in my little dream and keep himself locked down.
Oh, I’m so mad at him.
He’s so overwhelmingly frustrating. I just don’t understand. I’ve gone over every message from this past month, every touch, every word he spoke, and I still can’t make sense of it. How can he do all these amazing, perfect, loving-relationship things, and not own up to actually loving me? Yes, it gives me power over him, but doesn’t he realize he has the same power over me? But I guess he did the same thing with Jasmine. I hate to keep comparing our relationships, but it’s hard not to. Ever since I learned that he never loved her, it’s bothered me. He had all of us fooled, convinced she was it for him.
Stupid me, I thought I was different.
But even thinking that, I know I am. I’m so very different. We have so much history; I know him. He knows me, and ugh, it’s all such shit. Why is he being this way? I am not Jasmine. I’m not anyone but me, and I know—oh, how I know—I mean something to him. His actions, they scream love, yet he can’t recognize that. Damn it. It’s been almost a week since I watched those doors shut on him, and each day has hurt more than the last.
Never have we gone this long without talking. It’s been more me than him since the first day. I listen to my phone ring, ding, and ultimately die because of how much he’s called and texted me. I didn’t even read the messages or listen to the voice mails. I deleted everything and blocked him. I need time. I need to think. He is so intertwined in my life, and not because of our families, but because I want him to be. I love starting my day talking to him, FaceTiming with him, and being with him. But knowing that I feel all this and he doesn’t… It’s knocked me down a few levels.
It’s demanded I open my eyes.
Maybe I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. Maybe he’s not capable of loving me. If that’s the case, then I need to learn to live my life without him. Which is what I’ve been doing. Has it hurt? More than I care to admit.
When I went to my adviser for some leads, she suggested California. I had to zip my purse shut to keep my phone inside it. I wanted nothing more than to call Asher and ask what he thought. I’m so used to having him as my sounding board, my partner, that I think I’m allowing myself to be played because I want something that may not be there.