His eyes search mine like he’s trying to work out the truth in my answer. I don’t blame him; I’ve been all over the place while on these fertility drugs, but he doesn’t have to worry about me today because I need him in all the ways right now.
“Winter,” I say as I work the button on his jeans. “I promise you I’m good. I want this. I’m not going to quit on you halfway again.”
He stops my progress with his jeans. “If you want to quit halfway, you fucking quit halfway,” he says, his voice full of fierce love. “And you don’t feel bad for it.”
The emotion swirling between us engulfs me, and I wrap my arms around him tightly. “I fucking love you, but you need to stop talking right now and start fucking me before you make me cry.”
I know he’s feeling what I am by the way he’s looking at me. He takes another few moments just watching me silently before letting my hand go and moving into action, finally giving me what I want.
Pulling me down from the counter, he spins me around to face it. His hands go to my jeans and he strips me of them, and my panties. After that, he removes his clothes before coming back to me, his hands to my hips, his mouth to my neck. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.”
I reach for one of his hands and direct his fingers to where I desperately want them. When he slides one inside me, I drop my head back and moan, “Fuck yes.”
Winter’s deep growl of approval heightens the pleasure he’s giving me, and when he snakes his other arm around my body so he can stroke my clit while fucking me with his fingers, I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes.
His fingers.
His lips.
His tongue.
I’m consumed by him.
Every other thought disappears while he brings me to orgasm.
“Oh, God,” I cry as the orgasm shatters through me.
“Fuck,” Winter rasps, grinding himself against me. “Give me your mouth, angel.”
I angle my head to do as he says, and his lips crash down onto mine. His kiss is bruising. Rough. My man is hungry for me and that hunger only intensifies mine.
Gripping my hips, he thrusts inside me. He’s not gentle here either, and drives his dick as far as he can, as hard as he can. His fingers dig into my skin while he pounds into me, and I unravel a little more with each thrust.
I’ve been wound so tight, with far too many thoughts and feelings exhausting me that some days it’s felt hard to breathe. Winter’s done his best to be there for me, but there’s only so much he can do to help. No one can fully ease your burdens. There’ll always be those places deep inside that remain untouchable. But somehow, being with him like this helps. Somehow, it allows air in that I didn’t even know I needed.
I come again just before Winter comes. His strong arms circle me after and his lips brush my neck. “I love you, Birdie.” It’s a low, growly rumble that takes hold of my heart.
Turning in his arms, I say, “I love you, too.”
He smiles and pushes my hair off my face. “We need to give you your shot.”
I return his smile. “Yes, we do.”
After we clean up, Winter brings the needle into the bedroom where I sit waiting for him. He’s given me every injection since my second one, and while I don’t look forward to the needle, I always look forward to this time with him. Even when I’m in a funk or not feeling well.
He kisses me before pinching my stomach together and injecting the drugs. His presence helps soften the sting of the needle, something I’m grateful for.
“What if I can’t breastfeed?” I ask as I watch him finish up.
His eyes come to mine. “What if you can?”
He knows I spend far too many hours worrying over things that may not turn out how I want them to. Sometimes he humours me; sometimes he counteracts me.
I pull a face. I want a serious discussion tonight. “Seriously, what if the baby won’t take to my boob?”
He crouches in front of me. “I’ll teach it how.”
This makes me laugh and I smack him playfully. “Not helpful.”
He disposes of the needle in the sharps container and puts it on the floor. Placing his hands to my thighs, he says, “If the baby can’t breastfeed, it wasn’t meant to be. I wasn’t breastfed and I turned out all right.”
“I never knew that about you.” I also never imagined the day I’d hear Winter say if something didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be. He’s always been so driven to make things happen; this way of thinking from him surprises me.
“Mum tried for days to breastfeed, but in the end had to admit defeat because I was losing too much weight. I know she always regretted not being able to make it happen, but that kind of regret is a waste of time. As is you worrying over this being a possibility.” He takes hold of my hands. “We’re doing everything we can to make a baby, and I know that once we have that baby, we’ll do everything we can to do right by it. That’s all a parent can do, Birdie.”
“How did I get so lucky to have you as my husband?” I ask as I lean forward and rest my forehead against his.
He stays with me like that for a moment and then stands. “I have no fucking clue, but that kid of ours is also lucky since I’m gonna be the one to teach it how to latch on. It hit the jackpot having me as a dad.”
I love how he talks about our child as a given. There’s no hesitation from Winter where our IVF success is concerned.
Smiling up at him, I shake my head at his cockiness.
Taking hold of my face, he presses a kiss to my forehead. “Mostly, though, it hit the jackpot having you as its mother.”
I really am the lucky one. Even in my darkest moments of fear and worry, when I think about what life will be like if we never have a baby, I know I’m blessed to have Winter by my side.
9
Birdie
* * *
I pull into my car park at work on Tuesday morning, cut the engine, and grab my phone. Calling Winter, I reapply my lipstick while I wait for him to answer. I’m all hyped up after having just come from the IVF clinic where I had another ultrasound and blood test so they could check my levels to see if I’m ready for the stimulation phase. I’ve got good news I’m desperate to share with Winter, but I get his voicemail instead of him.
“Ugh,” I grumble while I listen to his message. “It’s me. Call me as soon as you can. I have good news.”
I shove my phone in my bag and open the door to exit the car; however, my phone rings and I madly reach for it, hopeful it’s Winter.
It’s not.
It’s Lily.
“Hey, you,” I say, answering the call.
“Oh my God, B, I’ve been dying to know how you went at the clinic this morning. Was it good news, or do you have to endure another dildo-cam tomorrow?”
I laugh at her description of the ultrasound. I’ve had one every day since Friday, and to say I’m over them is an understatement, but I have many more ahead of me so I’m learning to suck it up and just get on with the process. “It was the best news today. I’m starting stims tonight!”
Her squeal of excitement is so loud I have to shift the phone from my ear for a beat. “I’m so excited for you! Have you been able to get in touch with Winter?”