The irony was, my behavior had been completely contrary to the scientific method. I’d gone into our relationship thinking I already had the answers, and I’d ignored any evidence that challenged my beliefs. I’d decided ahead of time what the outcome would be. I wouldn’t fall in love with him. And I’d stubbornly held to that, until it was too late.
“All right, badasses,” Kennedy said. The music got louder, the heavy guitar riffs and pounding drums filling me with powerful energy. “Let’s get this shit out. Fill your lungs, breathing from your abdomen, and let those fucks fly.”
I pulled in a lungful of air, opened my eyes, and shouted as loud as I could. “Fuck off!”
My heart pounded hard in my chest and I realized I was digging my fingernails into my palms. I stared at the floor for a long moment and unclenched my fists.
“That was amazing.” Kennedy still slowly walked through the mats. “Does anyone have something they’d like to share? No pressure. But if you want to, feel free to let it out.”
I looked up as if coming out of a trance. “I think I fell in love for the first time. But I messed up, and he messed up. And now it’s just… a mess.”
Kennedy nodded. “That happens to so many of us. And it’s brutal. How do you feel about it, right now? What’s in here?” She placed her hands over her stomach.
“I’m angry. I’m angry at myself and I’m angry at him. I’m angry that this isn’t easier. That I didn’t tell him how I felt. That my education and professional experience not only proved to be no help whatsoever, they were probably a hindrance. And I’m pissed off that he might want to be with someone else more than he wants to be with me. Because I’m good for him. I understand him and he understands me and there are so few people who do. For both of us. I’m angry because I should be his penguin.”
I stopped, shocked at my outburst.
“Hell yes, you should be his penguin,” someone said behind me.
“Badass.”
“That was fierce as fuck, girlfriend.”
“Let it out, sister.”
Buoyed by the support of my classmates, I nodded. And I felt… better. Like I’d cleaned out some of the negative energy that had been weighing me down.
“So fucking awesome,” Kennedy said. “It sucks that you’re going through that, but girl, you are fierce as fuck. And I know you’re going to come out on the other side a stronger woman.”
A set of arms wrapped around me. Then another. And another. Everly, Sophie, and Nora all hugged me tight. In that moment, they gave me exactly what I needed. I was loved, accepted, and supported. And although neither that, nor yelling fuck in a yoga class, were going to mend my broken heart, they made the hurt a little more bearable. And that was priceless.
37
Corban
“The derivative for my love for you is 0, because my love for you is constant.” ~ Anonymous
I was up early for a Saturday. It obviously had nothing to do with the fact that Hazel and her friends were running their half-marathon today and it was about to start. I wasn’t fidgeting at my desk, wondering how she was doing.
That was a lie. That was exactly what I was doing.
Was she nervous? Properly hydrated? I’d looked up pictures from previous races and knew there were hydration stops all along the route. But had she eaten this morning? Was she replenishing her electrolytes?
And would there be anyone to cheer for her at the finish line?
I knew her circle was small. I also knew that was just how she operated. She wasn’t the type of person who needed a huge group of people around her to be happy. She had several close relationships that she valued deeply, and that was enough for her.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how she was going to feel at the end of the race. I’d planned to be there. I was even going to make a sign.
Didn’t seem to be much point in doing that now.
She’d avoided me for the rest of the week, crushing any hope I’d had that she was just upset and would get over it. That we could go back to hanging out, poking at each other, and discussing all the random topics that seemed to come up when we were together.
I didn’t miss her for the sex. No, that wasn’t true, I did. Desperately. I craved her body like a junkie. But I missed all of her. I missed being around her. The way she pursed her lips when she was thinking or annoyed with me. The way she pushed her glasses up her nose and the way she got excited about the same things I did.
A sharp knock on my door roused me from my thoughts. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. Paisley hadn’t been back since last weekend when she’d pranced around here in her underwear. She was obviously avoiding me too, but since I wanted to avoid her, that worked out in my favor. Was she back? Had she decided to try again, or was she coming over to tell me I was an idiot for turning her down?
Or maybe it wasn’t her at all. It was hard to believe she cared enough about me to put in more effort than she already had. I was convinced it wasn’t me she’d been after, just the allure of a guy who was different. She’d been burned enough times that suddenly her best friend’s dorky brother didn’t seem like such a bad alternative.
No thanks. I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I didn’t want to be someone’s second choice either.
Whoever it was knocked on the door again, hard. They really beat on it, like they were determined to get an answer.
“Yeah, hang on.”
I got up and thankfully remembered to look down to make sure I was wearing pants before answering the door. I was.
There was another knock right as I grabbed the doorknob. Seriously, who was pounding on my door on a Saturday morning and being such a dick about it? I opened the door and groaned.
It was him again.
This time he wasn’t dressed in a suit, but he still wore a button-down shirt and slacks. He had the sleeves cuffed, and his forearms flexed as he clenched his fists.
I raised an eyebrow. “Hello, Satan.”
Shepherd Calloway’s cold blue eyes narrowed. “Nash.”
“Might as well come in.” I held my arm out and stepped aside.
Without another word, he walked into my apartment. I shut the door behind him.
His gaze swept over the room, lingering on the comic books littering my coffee table. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking. His face was hard and expressionless.
Silence stretched out between us. I was pretty sure he was waiting for me to break it. So I didn’t. Just stood my ground, crossed my arms, and waited for him to tell me what the fuck he was doing here.
Finally he spoke. “I thought we had an understanding.”
“Are you here to insist I make an honest woman out of her? Because I’ll let you in on a little secret. Hazel’s the one who’s going to protest that, not me.”
Oh god, I’d just said out loud that I’d marry her. Kind of.
But it was also kind of true.
Fuck.
“I’m here because I made it very clear how I felt about someone hurting her.”
“Yeah, you did. And I didn’t hurt her. Besides, why do you care?”
“Hazel is my wife’s best friend.” His low voice was almost monotone, yet dripping with threat. “She’s important to Everly, therefore she’s important to me. And you did hurt her.”