“Okay, let me rephrase that. What are you doing tonight?”
Darting my eyes toward Shane, I found him busying himself by helping Toby pack up. Celia was occupied with her phone, Gus had gone into his office, and Lex had already left. Realizing I had a moment of wide-open privacy, I locked onto Audrey’s gaze with my own.
“Shane mentioned grabbing dinner. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to come, or if you had other plans, but if you wanted—”
“Blake,” she stopped me, meeting my eyes with desperate sincerity. “I’m here, okay? I’m here.”
It felt like it should’ve made me feel patronized, the slow, quiet, patient tone of her voice. It wasn’t unlike the tone I used on my brother when he was out of control. But those two little words, “I’m here,” pressed firmly against my heart, hugging and begging for access. I swallowed at the desperate need to doubt and defend, and my brain began to buckle and relent.
“Okay,” I replied simply.
“So, you guys down for dinner?” Shane asked, brushing his hands against the thighs of his jeans.
“Yeah,” I told him.
Shane hit me with two thumbs up before asking, “How about you, Toby?”
His nose wrinkled and he shook his head. “Don’t take it personally. I’m just not into being the third wheel on a double date,” he said, and surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to correct him.
Chapter Nineteen
LIVING A METICULOUSLY planned life with Jake, meant rarely straying outside of my own routine. Meals were always bought at the grocery store and cooked at home. But now, I was in a restaurant, surrounded by people who weren’t members of my family, and I felt strange and out of place. At nearly thirty-four years old, eating in public shouldn’t have been such a challenge. Yet I found myself fumbling foolishly with the cloth napkin and its enclosed utensils, as Celia and Shane discussed the menu items. For the first time ever, I wondered if Jake maybe was holding me back.
“Having a hard time over there?” Audrey’s voice tore me from the difficult task of laying the napkin across my lap, and when I looked up, I caught the grin she struggling to contain.
“I feel like an asshole,” I admitted, smoothing the fabric over my thighs and glancing around the restaurant to see if anybody had noticed.
“Don’t get out often, huh?”
“Is it that obvious?”
She smiled and shrugged easily. “It’s okay. I know the feeling.”
I wished we were here alone, without Cee and Shane and a room full of tourists and drunkards surrounding us. I wished I could talk candidly about the traitorous thoughts cycloning through my mind, and with her, I felt I could. But not now.
“You drinking?” Shane asked, his chin tipped toward me.
“I dunno, man,” I shrugged. We had walked to Rockafellas from Salem Skin, but I would still have to take the bike home. I didn’t like the idea of leaving it overnight. That was a risk I’d taken last week and I didn’t want to do it again.
“Come on, don’t let me drink alone!” He was boisterous and full of laughter, as he dropped the menu exasperatedly. He bumped his shoulder against Audrey’s. “What about you, Aud?”
“Um …” She lifted her menu and pointed to something. “I was thinking about this, but I don’t know …”
Cee lifted in her chair to see what Audrey was pointing at. “Oh! The candy corn martini is freakin’ incredible. Get that. You’ll love it.”
“Well, if I get a drink, you have to get one, too.” I felt the toe of Audrey’s shoe touch the side of my boot. “Just one?”
“Fine,” I relented, unable to say no to her. How could I? “One.”
But one turned into two, and two became three, and by the time the fourth round of drinks made it to the table, my mind was no longer on my bike. It was on the burger half-eaten in front of me, the breeze flowing in from the open door, and the bustling atmosphere. It was on the warm feeling in my belly, the woman who had put it there, and the cross laying against the split butterfly on her chest.
Her smile never left her lips and her laugh added melody to the restaurant racket. I leaned back in my chair, head cocked and eyes hooded, just watching as she talked to Celia and Shane like she wasn’t the odd ball in her turquoise top and white jeans.
“I love these,” she declared, holding up her fourth candy corn martini. “So much better than a Manhattan.”
Shane clinked his tall glass of lager against the stout glass in her hand. “Yeah! Fuck Manhattan,” he agreed with valor, then furrowed his brow. “Wait, are we talking about the city or the drink?”
“The drink,” I chimed in, reaching out for my gin and tonic.
“Oh,” he replied, raising his glass to his lips. “That’s different, then.”
“What do you have against Manhattan?” Cee asked him.
“Absolutely nothing,” he laughed, shaking his head. “I was just going along with what she was saying to be nice.”
Giggling, Audrey’s eyes met mine as she explained, “Up until a few weeks ago, I had never had anything other than a Manhattan. And then, this guy,” she reached across the table to nudge my hand with hers, “introduced me to the exciting world of alcohol.”
I snorted. “You make it sound like I drink so much.”
“Well, you drink more than I do!”
Shane watched the exchange with amused intrigue. “Wait, how did you two meet, anyway?”
My gaze dropped to the tattoo on her chest and I pointed toward it. “I have that thing to blame entirely for all of this shit,” I grumbled, catching her eye and finding it impossible to fight my grin.
“Wait, what?” Shane peered closer, focusing on the image, and his eyes widened with recognition. “Whoa. Hold up. You’re Butterfly Tattoo Chick?”
The rosy hue on her cheeks deepened as her lips dipped toward her martini. “Guilty.”
Shane threw his hands into the air and tipped onto the back legs of his chair. “Get the fuck out of here. This is the craziest shit ever! Why didn’t you tell me you were her? I could’ve gotten a few shots of the two of you together or something!”
My brow furrowed and Audrey asked between giggles, “Why?”
“Oh, Audrey, Audrey, Audrey …” He draped his arm over the back of her chair and came in close to her ear, tipping his forehead toward her temple. He was crowding her and I saw the column of her throat shift with a swallow. He was one inch away from making her uncomfortable, and my fists were clenched against the table.
“Sweetheart. Do you know you’re the reason why I even found this guy?” he went on. Then, he turned to face Cee. “Huh, come to think of it, I never would’ve met you, either.”
Cee blushed, as Audrey replied, “I didn’t know that.”
“Fuckin’ Fate, man,” Shane muttered, releasing her from his grip and grabbing his pint glass. He raised it up into the air and said, “To Fate, for making shit happen.”
Audrey and Cee raised theirs and repeated in unison, “To Fate.”
The three pairs of eyes turned to me. Staring and waiting for my anti-religious resolve to buckle and break under the weight of peer pressure. But they weren’t getting it from me. Not here, not tonight. But I did raise my glass in silence, letting the lip tap against Audrey’s, and I downed my fourth drink, knowing there would be a fifth, all while two words echoed through my head.