“Yeah.” I nodded, offering her a smile of my own. “At least, I think so, anyway.”
“Blake,” she tipped her chin toward her chest and eyed me compassionately, “you know, it’s okay to admit that something is going well in your life. You don’t need to doubt or downplay everything every single step of the way.”
“I’m not doubting or downplaying,” I insisted, turning my gaze toward the window. “I’m just trying to stay realistic. Things are good, and I like her a lot, but good shit ends. Life gets in the way, people get in the way.”
“What makes you think that something’s going to get in the way of this?”
Scoffing, I shook my head toward the window. “Doc, I’ve only been seeing her for a few weeks. Come on. There’s plenty of opportunity for it all to go to hell. I mean, she’s still friends with her ex. Who knows what’s going to happen there.”
I couldn’t believe I said it. Why had I said it? My stupid fucking mouth had a mind of its own, and I shook my head at my own stupidity as Dr. Travetti uttered a small thoughtful noise. Then came the scratching of her pen against paper.
“I thought you didn’t have a problem with her ex-boyfriend,” she mentioned casually, still scribbling.
“I don’t,” I hurried, turning back to her. “I’m just saying—”
“But why are you just saying? Did something happen?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Then,” she lifted her hands in an exaggerated shrug, “where did that come from?”
My lungs deflated with a frustrated sigh. “Nowhere,” I huffed. “My mom just mentioned on Saturday that I might wanna watch out for it, that’s all. No big deal. Just … keeping it in mind.”
“Your mom said that?” She watched me studiously, curling a finger over her upper lip. “What exactly did she say?”
“Just, you know,” I shrugged and smacked my hands against my thighs, “that Audrey’s friendly with her ex, and that I should be careful.”
“Does your mother not like Audrey? Does she have reason to believe she isn’t trustworthy?”
“No, she likes her, I think.”
“Then, why would she say something like that? I mean, especially when things between you and Audrey are going so well, or at least I think so.”
I pushed a hand through my hair and leaned into the plush chair. “I don’t know, Doc. Maybe ‘cause she’s my mom and wants to look out for me?”
Dr. Travetti’s lips twisted as her eyes flashed with skepticism. It was only for a second, that dull glimmer of doubt, and I bet she thought I hadn’t caught it. But I did and I questioned it with a deep furrow of my brow.
“What—” I began only to be cut off as she spoke, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
She flipped to a new page on her clipboard. “What was your childhood like?”
The snort that came from my nose surprised both of us. “Wow, Doc. Two years into this shit and you’re finally falling back on the standard crap. Maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
Canting her head and nodding, she replied, “Or maybe it’s that two years into this shit has finally brought us here.”
“And where is here?”
“I don’t know,” she said with an irritating tone of innocence. “Maybe it’s the root of your problems, or maybe it’s nothing. I don’t—”
“You think I had a fucked up childhood,” I accused. The tension in my arms increasing as my hands worked to clench and release.
“I didn’t say that,” she insisted firmly. “I’m just curious about what it was like for you as a kid.”
I shrugged, feigning complete nonchalance as my hands smacked the arms of my chair. “My childhood before the accident was fine. Nice house, nice parents. Church every Sunday. You know. Typical bullshit.”
“And after the accident?”
“It was an adjustment,” I replied shortly.
“Well, it couldn’t have been easy for your parents, dealing with Jake.”
I shook my head. “Jake wasn’t a fucking problem. I mean, it was rough for a while, but he wasn’t a problem.”
“Were you a problem?”
“I …” I swallowed and reached forward for my cup of tea from Jolie’s. “I was a bad kid, I guess.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“After the accident, my mom was always pissed at me about something,” I admitted easily, surprised that the words could tumble out without any resistance. “I was a troublemaker, and I guess she’d had enough.”
“A troublemaker, huh?” Dr. Travetti smiled fondly.
“Well, yeah,” I chuckled tightly, forcing myself to nod. “I mean, after all, it was my troublemaking that fucked everything up in the first place.”
Dr. Travetti tipped her head back and studied me with a concerned gaze. “It’s a long time to be carrying the blame for an accident you caused as a child, don’t you think?”
I scoffed and shook my head, but then I wondered about that. Was it too long? Had I really been a troublemaker or such a bad kid? There’d been the accident that had changed it all, yes, and it was unforgiveable, I got that. But don’t all kids have their bad moments? They all have a bad day, they all throw their tantrums, and I didn’t doubt that I had a few of my own under my belt. But I couldn’t remember an incident that ever warranted the title. Bad Kid. Troublemaker.
Except that one.
I kept thinking about it periodically as the weeks went by. Another seed had been planted. It was something else to keep my brain busy while I worked, or tried to sleep alone in my bed. But never while I was with Audrey. Shit never got to me when I was with her, at her place or mine, with Jake and Freddy, or without. As much as I had resisted her pull in the beginning, I gave in to it now and silently begged to be sucked in further, into a place where I felt more and more at home.
By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, she and I had fallen into a routine. Our weekdays were spent grabbing lunch, sometimes with Celia, sometimes without. A few nights a week, we had dinner with Jake and Freddy, and come the weekend, when we were both free of responsibilities, we dated as a couple. Sometimes we went out, had dinner, and went to the poetry club. Other times, we just stayed in, ordered pizza, and spent more time devouring each other than eating food. But those nights were the best of my life, nights when I wrapped my limbs around her body and her skin became an extension of mine. And by the end of November, I actually believed I was deserving of this. Something good, something to be happy about, and not once did I think I was too bad for her.
“Where’s Audrey today?” Dad asked, as he carved the turkey.
“With her parents,” I answered, lifting the biscuits from the baking pan with a spatula.
“And Freddy?”
“With Jason.” My mother’s speculation about Audrey’s relationship with her ex-boyfriend had so far gone completely unfounded, and a smug grin spread across my face at the fact. I showed her, ha-ha.
Dad nodded, dropping slice after slice of white meat onto Mom’s hideous platter. “Things seem to be going well with the two of you, huh?”