Every stroke fills me, heals me, and as the pleasure overtakes the pain, I feel my mind and body forgetting, letting go.
“I want to be inside you forever,” Jackson whispers against my lips.
“Yes, don’t stop.” I lift my hips and press my heels into his ass, urging him to go faster, but he doesn’t rush, doesn’t move any faster. He takes me slow and steady, bringing me to the edge of pleasure over and over again, making it impossible for me to feel anything but him.
After I’ve come two times, and we’re covered in sweat, Jackson ups his pace a little and explodes deep inside of me. The warmth of his seed inside me gives me a strange comfort. Rolling off of me, Jackson drops to the mattress beside me.
Breathing heavily, we both lie on our backs, staring up at the ceiling. I feel drained but in a good way. I’m content, happy, sated… but I know I won’t feel this way for long.
As the fog of lust is lifted, and my endorphin-filled brain slowly returns to normal, the familiar feeling of dread returns. The urge to go into the bathroom and find a blade is on my mind yet again. It’s the one thing I can rely on. When it all becomes too much, one cut shuts it off. I don’t want to die, that’s not what this is about. I need something to help me cope.
I can’t rely on my parents, I don’t have any friends, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust Jackson again. He might be here now, but how long will that last? How long before he changes his mind, how long before he realizes I’m too broken to be fixed?
Tears run down my face without my permission. I try to hide that I’m crying, holding in a sob, my chest cracking, the pain radiating outward, but of course, Jackson looks over to me.
“Are you crying?” He shifts onto his side and pulls me toward him, so we’re facing each other. “What’s wrong, bug? Tell me.”
“I love you,” I cry out. “But I can’t do this. I can’t trust you, not after everything that happened between us. I can’t let myself love you and depend on you, knowing that you could leave any day. I need more, something that I don’t think you can give me.”
“I love you too, Kennedy, and I’m not going anywhere. I know I fucked up. Trust me, I know, but I’m not leaving.” He cradles my face with his big hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away some of the tears. He knows I’m fragile, and I’ve already trusted him once. I can’t let myself down again. I can’t forget the power that he holds, how with the snap of his fingers, he could be gone again.
“I can’t forget what you said that day,” I confess. “I can’t forget you standing next to Tylor and saying those things to me. I can’t forget how you looked at me…”
Without another word, he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight against his chest. “I’m so sorry. You will never know how sorry I am. I know I can’t erase what I said and what I did to you, but I will never leave you again. I will prove it to you. I don’t care how long it takes for you to forgive me. I don’t even care if you never fully forgive me. I would deserve it. But I will not let you down again.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I let his scent surround me, let him engulf me and care for me.
I give him part of my heart, hoping he will handle it with care this time. Because I don’t know if I can survive another heartbreak.
Epilogue
One Year Later
“Isn’t it weird being with two guys?” I ask Stella as we sit down with our trays.
“I mean, at first it was a little difficult. Easton and Cam are intense even on their best days. I knew I was meant to be with both of them, but finding an ease into how, and which ways, was tough. We’ve managed though.” Stella beams over her shoulder at Easton.
Just as I pop a grape into my mouth, Jackson swoops in, taking the seat on the other side of me. He places his hand on my thigh, and I welcome his touch, the warmth it brings, the pleasure. Twisting to face him, I smile at him, leaning in to kiss his full lips.
I almost choke on my grape, but it pops back into my mouth a second before I start to panic.
“I guess you know all about rough starts. I’m glad you two were able to figure things out.”
“We’re complicated,” Jackson tells her, grabbing a piece of food off my tray while his green eyes find mine.
“Yeah, love is complicated,” Stella says with a smirk. “You belong together just like I belong with Easton and Cam.”
Agreeing with her, I nod. I’m so glad that I’ve found happiness. Jackson didn’t lie to me when he said no matter what he was staying. His dedication made it painfully obvious that getting rid of him wasn’t going to be easy.
I couldn’t forgive him so easily, not until I was ready, and one year later, I think I’m finally there. We’ve lived together for a year, sleeping in the same bed, having sex, and healing each other, but we never put a label on anything.
“I want to meet up and do a double date or something. With half days for classes, I’m so bored,” Stella groans.
“Well, not everyone is a genius like you and gets to take half days for classes,” I tease. My friendship with Stella is one of my favorite things. Having a near-death experience lets you think about things differently. So, when she approached me to see how I was after my cutting incident, I took her up on her offer of coffee. We’ve been friends ever since.
“See, babe, we aren’t the only ones who think you’re beyond smart,” Easton says, tugging her into his side. I can see how much he loves her, how he would go to the ends of the earth to protect her, and back again. It’s a lot like how Jackson looks at me.
“Shut up and stop trying to get into my panties,” she says, laughing, and Easton’s gaze turns possessive.
“We both know I wouldn’t have to try, baby.” The drop in his voice even makes me shiver. Jackson notices and grips my thigh a little tighter, drawing my attention back to him.
“All right, let’s go… I’ll talk to you soon. We all definitely need to hang out more,” Stella says as she gets up from the table. Easton follows behind her like a puppy, giving me a wink.
Not sure what that was about.
“Hey, you okay?” Jackson pulls me into his side, and I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck. He still smells like citrus and lemongrass.
“Yeah, I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”
“What is it?” The concern in his voice proves to me that it’s time. Jackson has spent the last year busting his ass to prove to me that he loves me and that he wants me and only me, and it’s time for me to show him that I accept his apology.
“Kennedy, babe, are you still with me?” Jackson asks.
I blink and shake my head, forcing myself to pay attention to the present. Turning to face him, I grab him by the cheeks and pull him to my face. “I want to go somewhere.”
“Anywhere you want, I’ll go.”
“I have to tell you something.”
“If you’re asking me to leave, it’s not—”
“Shh, it’s not that. I’m not going to tell you to leave ever again.”
One second passes, and then another, and then he’s getting up and grabbing my tray from the table. “Let’s go.”