I stopped and turned, bag still on my shoulder. “What?” I asked quietly, another betrayal flaming in my ribs.
“Around the corner. She asked me if I’d help her renovate it, asked me not to say anything. She said she was waiting until after that godforsaken wedding to tell you. I know it’s not much, but Kash—the way she talked about you was not like you were disposable. Weirdly, she asked me if you liked dogs. She might as well have asked how many kids you wanted to have.”
I tossed the bag on its mates and shook my head to clear it.
“Do you honestly think she bought a place right here, right around the corner just for Ivy? Because she never once mentioned her sister’s name, but yours found its way into every sentence.” He watched me, and I didn’t speak, parsing what he’d said. “Listen, I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to feel. But I’ll say this—if you truly love her, don’t just walk away. Give her a chance.”
“I already gave her my hope. How much more can I give?”
“You can give her your trust.”
I stilled.
“All of this, all these things you’re afraid of, they have nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. But Lila isn’t Ali. No amount of worrying will make it so. But if you’re not careful, you’ll lose her. And I have a feeling this time, you won’t move on.” With another sigh, he straightened up to leave. “I hope you change your mind.”
A dozen smart responses fired in my mind, but my heart stung with the truth, with the future he’d painted, the one without her. I grabbed another bag, unsure what to say, how to defend myself when he was right. But when I’d unloaded my haul, he was gone.
My pain stayed right where it was.
26
Hey, Dummy
LILA
The baby’s room had been plagued by daylight for hours, chasing me under my pillow, burying me deep in the covers where it was cool and dark and lonely.
I hadn’t slept, but I didn’t toss and turn either. Instead, I’d lay there in the dark as still and quiet as a tomb, counting my mistakes in tens and twenties.
Ivy had welcomed me in late last night, shepherded me to the baby’s room—currently unoccupied, as baby Olive had taken residence in Ivy’s room—and there we sat until the baby woke to eat. She held me when I cried and listened to me recount and sort what had happened. We’d uncovered no solutions, only an infinite sadness.
The simplest loss was my job. No doubt it was gone, the spectacle last night so outrageous, I would not only be fired, but it would be difficult for me to find another job. Impossible really, especially if Natasha got involved.
When it came to vengeance, I trusted her at her word. It was perhaps the only thing I trusted her on.
The betrayal was beyond the pale. A wriggling, writhing discomfort slithered through me, and on its tail was adrenaline, sharp and cold. They had manipulated me, controlled me, used me. And the knowledge was a shrinking cage, sparking an anxiety I hadn’t known in years but on a scale so grand, there was no escaping it. It would affect every corner of my life.
Especially once the show aired.
And underscoring it all was that I’d lost the one good thing in my life. The best thing in my life.
It was too much to bear, the burden too heavy. I could have handled the betrayal if I still had him.
I could have handled anything if I still had him.
Tears sprang fresh, sliding into the creases of my nose before being absorbed by the pillow I hid beneath.
The doorknob jiggled just before I heard the creak of the door opening.
“Hey,” Ivy said softly, closing the door behind her. “You in there?”
I scooted over so she could sit, but I didn’t emerge from my cocoon.
Her hand rested on my leg, gave it a squeeze. “Are you hungry? It’s almost two.”
“No,” I said, the sound muffled by down.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I unshielded enough of my face to squint at her with one eye. “What else can I say?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping sleep would help. That maybe you’d wake with some kind of clarity.”
“If I’d slept, maybe that would be true.”
Acclimated a little to the light, I moved the pillow, propping my head on it so I could blink at her through the sunshine. Stupid sun, all bright and cheerful. All I wanted was an unending night to mourn. It didn’t seem like too much to ask.
My gaze hung on Ophelia where she sat on the windowsill, her leaves green and vibrant, the new shoots of growth filling me a sense of pride, then a deep and relentless sadness at what I’d lost.
“Did you hear from Mom?” I asked, hoping we could avoid talking about me.
“She called yesterday, asking for more pictures. I can’t believe I got her to agree to wait to come see us for a few weeks. I think she’s had a suitcase packed for a month.”
I chuckled halfheartedly, trying to think of something else to say. But I was too slow.
“Are you going to talk to him?”
I drew a painful breath and let it out slow. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, Ivy.”
“He didn’t say that,” she said with a brow up.
“It was implied.”
“He was upset and hurt. He punched Brock. You lied to him and about him. You found out about what those assholes did to you. There was a lot to process, Lila.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to me, especially not today. It’s been like twelve hours.”
“Why don’t you say what you really mean? You’re scared to talk to him.”
A flash of pain cut through me. “Yes. And that.”
“Well, that’s not a good enough reason to give up. He’s too important to you.”
“You didn’t hear what he said last night. I don’t know how to convince him of what he means to me. I don’t know what to say to make him understand.” I stopped myself with a shaky breath, my eyes filling with tears.
“The Lila I know would march down there and argue with him until he agreed with you.”
“Yeah, well, that Lila was hit by a bus. She doesn’t have any fight left in her—she’s in traction.”
For a second, she just watched me. “You are not allowed to give up,” she insisted again.
A sad chuckle. “Ivy—”
“Don’t you Ivy me. You love him, dummy.”
The cut of that word carved my heart. I did love him, fiercely and desperately. I’d known it without acknowledging it, and now that it was spoken, I feared I would never unhear it.
But Ivy kept on, her face hard. “When have you ever not fought for what you want? The people you love? You know when you’re wrong, and you own it. You challenge everything head-on. Why not Kash?”
“Because … because I deserve this,” I said around a sob. “I love him and I ruined him and I ruined everything.”
“You cannot possibly believe you’re wrong.”
“I did everything he said I did.”
“Because you were trying to save him from them.” She spat the word. “Your intentions were good.”