“And I paved the road to hell with them.”
“Stop that. I’m right, and you know it. You deserve to be heard if nothing else, and he deserves to hear the whole of it before he decides to walk away once and for all. Yes, you hurt him. But there are reasons. And if you don’t defend yourself, so help me God, Lila, I will never, ever in a trillion years let you live it down. You love him. So put on some fucking pants and go tell him.”
I wanted to just as much as I was terrified at the prospect. She wasn’t wrong—I could feel the desire to convince him of my feelings for him niggling at the wall of despair I’d built. At some point, it would chip away and bust through. But now? So soon?
“If I go talk to him now, he’ll never hear me. And even then … Ivy, he doesn’t believe this is what I want. That I’d choose him.”
“Then prove it to him.”
“How? He doesn’t trust my word. My job is forfeit. If he won’t listen, if he doesn’t trust me, then what do we have anyway?” I caught my breath, swiped at my nose. “I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my life. Natasha and Addison will make sure I can’t get a job with any New York firm. And I just bought an apartment.” Tears sprang again. “I’ll just flip it. I already have loans in place for renovations. Maybe I can make enough money to live off until I figure things out. But Kash is going to have to wait. I just wish it felt like he was the least of my problems. He feels like my only problem.”
“Do you think Natasha will go after Longbourne?”
“I don’t think Natasha bullshits when it comes to revenge.” Worry tightened my heart as I imagined the fall of the Bennets’ legacy. “This is all my fault. I never should have dragged him into it, and now, everything we worked for is ashes.”
Ivy reached for my hand. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but everything is going to be okay. One day, this will be behind you. It’s hard to see when you’re down in the dirt, I know. But I promise, it’s all going to work out.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“It’s common enough that I think you can count on it.”
With a quiet laugh, the baby cried, the sound moving closer with every one of Dean’s footfalls. I watched them as they made the handoff, the purest adoration on their sleepy faces.
For a moment, I’d naively thought that could be me. But maybe Kash was right. Maybe we were too different, from different worlds, with different dreams.
Even if for that beautiful moment, he’d been my only dream.
27
All You Ever Wanted
LILA
I tugged at the hem of my Armani suit coat as I stepped into the elevator to meet my fate.
Anxiety scratched at me, knowing how unpleasant the confrontation would be. I’d be chastised, made to feel wrong. And in many ways, they wouldn’t be mistaken.
In all the other ways, fuck them.
Of course, if I was to have any hope of getting even a mild referral, I wouldn’t be able to burn this place down like I wanted to. I’d have to sit there and take the reprimand, ignore the scald of the scolding, endure what was sure to be a brutal lashing without defense.
They made the Felix Femmes look like a basket of kittens.
The doors opened to Archer, and I could practically hear the screech of tires as eyes shifted to me. The girls at the desk gave me a quiet hello. The faces beyond turned to me. And I did the only thing I could—I straightened up, lifted my chin, and strode into the galley with all the confidence I had left.
I was so focused on keeping it together that I didn’t see Addison until I was nearly upon her office. The sight brought me to a halt, my stomach climbing up my esophagus in shock and confusion.
Addison Lane stood behind her desk in a suit of black, her hair in that stern ponytail she was partial to. But her dark eyes were ringed with dark circles, her face without a stitch of makeup, swollen from crying.
The shock that the devil not only had working tear ducts, but emotions deep enough to engage them, was total.
The utter disbelief that she was haphazardly shoving the contents of her office into boxes nearly brought me down in a faint.
Slowly, I entered our offices, my eyes locked on her. When she looked up, those eyes were hard and hurt and hot.
“Come to gloat?” She tossed an award into the box without care.
“You … you got fired?”
“What gave it away?” she snarked, dumping a stack of files on top of the award.
“What happened?”
“I did my job. I did everything they asked, and they still fired me. I was supposed to get promoted.” Her chest heaved, fanning the rage in her. “This is all your fault. You and Natasha. I never should have agreed when she came to me, but I thought it would be the thing to break you. That you’d crack, falter, and I’d be rid of you. When I pitched it to Caroline, all I had to do was say publicity, and she was in. She thought you could take it, the indestructible Lila Parker. I hoped differently. But none of us saw last night coming.” She snatched the box off her desk and dropped it on the floor with a clang and a thump. “I ended up the villain, and I’ve lost my job for it. So will Brock. It’s all in a day’s work for Natasha, but you? You ended up the hero. Lucky fucking you.”
I stood there mutely as she picked up an empty box and started throwing things in. The world tilted sideways and stuck there. Nothing made sense, and nothing was recognizable.
I’d pictured this moment a thousand times, imagining how triumphant I’d feel. But despite all she’d done, I didn’t feel vindication or spite. Only sadness and pity and a deep aversion for the woman who had played me like she had.
After a moment of me standing there like an idiot, her eyes snapped to me. “Would you mind getting the fuck out of my office? It’s bad enough that they can all see. But I can’t do this in front of you.” Her gaze moved back to her hands, which shook gently as she picked up a paperweight and pen holder. “Caroline wants to see you.”
I didn’t move, feeling like I should say something. But I couldn’t apologize, not even offer an empty I’m sorry to fill the dead space between us. I couldn’t wish her good luck, couldn’t provide even the most meaningless of well wishing. I forgave her in that moment, but I wouldn’t put either of us in the position to discuss her absolution.
We’d been humiliated enough as it was.
So I turned and walked away. Felt the eyes on me as I crossed the length of the floor to Caroline’s office. Her assistant said nothing, just gave me a nod and delivered me into Caroline’s hands.
She looked up with a smile as if nothing had happened. “I’ve got to call you back, Patrick. No, no. We’ll get it sorted out. Okay. Buh-bye.” When the phone had been returned to its cradle, she turned her full attention on me. “Please, sit.”
I did as I’d been told, folding my damp hands in my lap, back straight as a ruler.
She smiled, and for the first time, I noted how foxish the expression was on her otherwise temperate face. “I wanted to formally apologize for what happened with the show. When Addison came to me with the idea, I thought it would be excellent for the firm and for you. I had planned on moving Addison up and giving you her job once it was all said and done. What with your being a sympathetic character on the show, I knew you’d end up booked out for a year. But …” A sigh. “Well, things rarely ever go as planned, do they?”