Whit opened her mouth as if she were going to say something more but then closed it. I got that. What could she say to me right now? Nothing would be right.
"See you tomorrow," Sophia said, and I turned to wave at my group of friends. I took them in one last time, hoping I'd never see them looking at me with such pity again, and then walked out into the humid evening air. Even though summer hadn't quite hit with full force, the weather in the south liked to give us a preview of what was to come: wet heat.
I lived a few blocks from Tia Maria’s, and I thought about calling a ride but decided against it. The night wasn't insufferably hot and, honestly, I felt a little like working up a sweat, even if I was in two inch heels and a navy party dress. The above-the-knee, sleeveless attire would keep me cool enough.
I turned off Saratoga’s main street where Tia Maria’s was located and went north a block while I let my thoughts wander. I didn't want to think about Easton, but every aspect of my life was full of him. My present plans were all about him and my future dreams had always involved him. My past was centered around him, so it made sense that my thoughts were too.
"Jos." The voice that was dearer to me than any other called out, but I couldn't respond.
Please let him just leave me alone.
I couldn't talk to him. Not tonight. Hadn't we said all we needed to?
"Josie," he called again, and I knew I had to stop.
I took in a deep breath, feeling unable to face my dream and nightmare all in one. I hated that Easton had become my nightmare, but not having him was the worst possible fate I could’ve endured, and I was living it.
"Josie, turn around. Please," Easton said, and I imagined the look on his face. I had to turn around. I couldn't start not giving in to Easton's pleases now.
I pasted my fake smile on my face before turning to look at him.
The top few buttons of his shirt were undone, as if he'd tried to cool himself down on his jog from Tia Maria’s. He would’ve had to have jogged in order to catch up with me. A line of sweat dripped from his hairline down the side of his beautiful face. What was I going to do when I didn't see that face anymore? Nope. None of that right now. My fake smile was shaky as it was.
"Why did you leave?" he asked, and the tenuous hold I had on my emotions snapped. That was it. My dam of feelings broke.
"Because I was sick of fake smiling," I said, being the most honest I’d ever been about what I felt about this stupid marriage pact that had ruined my life. Because it was stupid. As much as I tried not to use words that passed negative judgement, it was the only way to describe an agreement between two people who were planning on spending their lives together but weren't in love.
My thoughts pressed me forward.
"Because I couldn't sit there and celebrate you marrying someone else when I love you. I want to be her, Easton." My voice broke at the same time the heavens opened, and rain fell in big fat sheets. This wasn't a kind, little sprinkle. This rain poured on us with the same emotion swirling within me. But the water was actually a reprieve from the heat of the evening and the heat of emotions that I felt.
"And I couldn't sit there and pretend anymore."
With those last words, I finally drew up the courage to look at Easton's face. His eyes were filled with the same tears that threatened to spill over onto my cheeks. And as soon as I looked at him, they did. I didn't know where the tears ended and the rain began. Now that I was giving in to all that I was feeling, I wasn't sure that I could ever stop them.
There was one more thing I longed to say, and since I had already been so honest, the words came tumbling out. "I don't know that I can be what you need anymore, Easton. I wanted to wait until after this," I refrained from saying stupid, "wedding to tell you, but I'm pretty sure there will never be a right time to say these words. I can't be your friend when I love you in a way you'll never love me. It isn't fair to either of us," I said just before a sob escaped. The words were so simple, yet the meaning behind them was bigger than either of us. I couldn't believe I was ending my friendship with Easton. The person I'd turned to when I failed my first college exam. The one I'd literally run to when I got my job at Saratoga High. We had shared every high and been the other's rock for every low. I was losing that.
I tried to draw in a calming breath, but it was shaky and escaped as another sob.
The rain continued to pelt down on my head, my shoulders, and my back as if it too was angry with me for what I was doing. I couldn't blame it. This was the end of everything good in my life.
I started to turn around when Easton lifted a hand to my shoulder, his warm touch stopping me in my tracks.
"Jos, that's the problem," Easton said, and my poor heart, which had been on a roller coaster that no organ should have to experience, leapt in hope again. Easton had a problem with me ending our friendship. That had to be good, right?
"I love you in the exact way you love me."
And that poor organ started beating harder and faster.
"What?" I whispered as I turned my gaze back to Easton. The tears were now freely spilling down his cheeks. Those green eyes I loved glittered with tears and rain. His shirt stuck to his chest that I had memorized so well. Every part of this man was a piece of me. That was why it was nearly impossible to say goodbye. I'd be leaving the better part of me behind.
"I love you, Josie. I shouldn't be saying this."
No, say it! I wanted to scream, but I waited for Easton to go on.
"I dream about holding you in my arms as we fall asleep. What kissing you, really kissing you," my belly flipped and then warmed at the intensity of Easton's gaze, "would be like. I love you with a passion that scares me, Jos. Because I've seen this kind of passion only once in my life."
I started to shake my head even as my tears began falling with a new fervor. Don't say it, I begged silently.
"My parents," Easton said before hanging his head.
I stepped forward, bringing myself below Easton's bent head, and then looked up so that I could make eye contact with the man I loved. He needed to see me as I said these words.
"We aren't your parents, Easton Price. You are you, and I am me. We can make this work," I promised, and Easton nodded.
"I know we could. But for how long, Jos? We can't see the future. And I could never hurt you the way my dad hurt my mom. That last day, I was five, but I remember every moment. The way my father literally broke my mother. It was years before the pieces were back together again. That's what happens when love consumes you ... the way my love for you has consumed me." He whispered the last words.
Foolish, silly man. Couldn't he see that these were all great things? The only things that made marriage worth it? At least in my book.
"Priscilla and I ... we won't ever love like that. We have a safe working bond that has served us well for many years. We like each other's company, but I know I won't ever love her in the way that I love you, Jos. I could never love anyone as much as I love you."
He was saying all of the right words in very wrong ways. "Stop," I whispered to Easton. I couldn't bear another word. Not if he was insistent in following through with this farce of a marriage. Didn't he see this was already breaking me?