Josh turns his attention away from my belly, his eyes narrowing slightly on me. “Well, you are growing a human inside you, Jones. Some changes to the external are to be expected.”
I roll my eyes at his ridiculous doctory reply. And his ridiculous doctory reaction. And our ridiculously, ridiculous situation.
It’s been a month since he proposed, and we went from happy couple having great sex and genuinely enjoying each other’s company to barely cohabitating. I’ve been sleeping in my bed, he’s been sleeping in his. Occasionally, he asks me if I’ve considered his “proposal” like it’s nothing more than a business deal. And every time, I tell him that I still don’t know what I want to do.
Because I don’t.
Because I’m a fool. I’m a fool who knew this man wasn’t capable of love, yet I let myself fall for him anyway. I let myself dream of being a happy family of three, and having more kids, and going on normal family vacations, and doing things that two people who are in love and want to have a life together do.
But that’s not Josh, which is something I have to decide if I can live with. And I have no clue what the hell I think about anything. Which is why I haven’t even told Kate or Dean about the proposal. I don’t want any outsiders influencing my decision. Kate will tell me I deserve real, epic love, and that I should kick Dr. Dick to the curb. And Dean will tell me that there’s no way Dr. Dick won’t fall in love with me…just give him some time.
The problem is, I don’t have time. I’m having a baby, and I’d like to know what kind of happily ever is in store for me before this baby comes.
Dr. Lizzy comes in, interrupting my internal tailspin. “Hi, guys. How are we doing?” She reaches into a drawer and grabs the Doppler.
“I’m humongous,” I deadpan.
She smiles. “You’re just where I want you.”
She squirts some gel on my belly and moves the microphone around for the heartbeat. “Have you been doing your kick counts?”
I nod. “Yes…this peanut is very active, which is surprising because I wouldn’t think there’s enough room for the kid to breathe, let alone flip around in there.”
Dr. Lizzy nods. “A woman’s body is a wonderful thing.”
The baby’s heart rate pumps through the Doppler, and my insides melt just like they do every time I hear that magical sound. It’s amazing how madly in love you can be with someone before you’ve even met them. Too bad Josh doesn’t have a clue what that’s like. What kind of a dad will he be to this baby if he’s truly incapable of love like he says he is?
“Heart rate is good. I’m just going to check your cervix now,” she says, handing me a towel to wipe off the gel.
“Oh good, the fun part,” I drone as I get into position.
This is the most action I’ve had in a month because my baby daddy decided to offer to put a ring on it. Except…there was no ring. Yet another reason my proposal will go down in the record books as the most pathetic.
Dr. Lizzy finishes examining me and then helps me sit up. “Have you guys discussed your birth plan?”
I shake my head. “Not yet but I did find a daycare center inside my boss’s wellness center building.” I smile because Dr. Gunthrie and I have been getting along so well that she’s offered me a more permanent position in her clinic after I get back from maternity leave. Despite everything going on between Josh and me, that’s one positive that I’m holding tight to.
Dr. Lizzy smiles. “That’s wonderful and don’t worry about the birth plan. You have a little time to figure it out, but don’t wait too long. You’re thirty-four weeks, fifty percent effaced, and dilated to a one already. I wouldn’t be surprised if this little one comes a touch early due to limited square footage.”
“How early do you think the baby could come?” Josh asks, his tone not the least bit casual.
Dr. Lizzy holds her hands up. “Many women stay dilated at a one all the way up until full term, so try not to worry.”
“If she delivered now, that would mean NICU time for sure, right? Does she need to go on bed rest? She can quit her job.”
My jaw drops. “Excuse me,” I snap and turn to level Josh with a warning. “Don’t speak for me right now.”
Josh’s eyes narrow. “Lynsey, if you’re dilating already, you should be on bed rest. This isn’t the time for you—”
“Hey, please calm down. A lot of my patients dilate to a one this early on, and their cervix doesn’t budge until the very end. I even have to induce some of them.”
“We do not want an induction,” Josh snaps, and I turn to gape at him again. His eyes flare defensively. “Have you read up on inductions? They have a lot of risks.”
“So do baby daddies who act like dicks,” I growl, immediately mortified because Dr. Lizzy is witnessing our domestic disfunction. I turn my attention to her. “I’m so sorry.”
She shakes her head. “These arguments happen all the time. You guys are doing great. Baby is good, and I’m not worried about your cervix, but we’ll check it next week to confirm. Just try to do some talking this week so you both can get on the same page. Okay?”
Dr. Lizzy says her goodbyes, and Josh stands to help me off the table. I yank my hand away from him and slip off the table. “I don’t need your help, okay?”
Josh growls under his breath. “Can we just talk about this already, Jones? You’ve been quiet for weeks, and you look at me like I’m a fucking monster.”
I cross my arms over my chest like a shield. “I do not.”
“You do too.” There’s a glimpse of pain in his eyes that he rarely shows. He crouches slightly so he’s eye level with me. “I’m not a monster. I’m just a man who wants to be with you and raise this child together. What’s so fucking bad about that?”
“You’re a man who doesn’t love me,” I force myself to say the words out loud for him but mostly for myself. My eyes well with tears.
He straightens, his face hard. “It’s just how I’m built, Lynsey.”
“I don’t think you used to be that way,” I argue, taking a step closer to him and touching his cheek. “And I know you aren’t this way at the core. I can see you, Josh. I can see your heart. Maybe if you just talked to someone about what’s going on with you, we could be something more.”
“What do I need to talk to anyone about?”
My eyes flare. “Um…for starters, what’s in that letter I found in your desk? That seemed to trigger you.”
He steps back, his entire body going ramrod straight. “I’m not going there. I don’t want you to push me on that, Jones.”
I slice my hands through my hair in complete frustration. “Well, then don’t push me on your proposal. If I’m going to sign up for a loveless marriage, then I need to be sure I’ve given this mess of a situation plenty of thought.”
I stride past him and slam the bathroom door, needing to stop looking into his smoldering, hurt-filled eyes that I miss gazing into every day. Which is completely insane because the man is detached, and he’s broken, yet…I miss him. I miss being what we were together, even if it wasn’t true, undying love.