The entire time I'd worked to make it so I could get Lex out of my house, I'd obsessed over whether or not he was okay. I hadn't even been gone that long, but the sixty minutes had felt like sixty days. I'd left Brewer at home so Lex wouldn't feel scared when he woke up, but I'd still been concerned about him. When I’d gotten home and found him standing in the middle of my living room, still wearing only his underwear and my sweatshirt, I hadn't liked the flurry of emotions that had gone through me.
Primarily relief to see that he was okay.
But also that strange, not entirely uncomfortable sensation that came over me as I took in the lines of his body. That was why I'd been so silent. I’d been trying to make sense of what I was feeling, and the truth was hard to accept.
I was attracted to him.
I’d tried really hard to pass off my perusal of his body as if I was looking at it from a photographer's perspective, but there was no denying how my dick reacted to the sight of him. While I'd been preparing Birch Cabin for his return, my brain had decided it was a good time for me to remember some things that I hadn't given enough weight to in my past. Particularly, that Lex wasn't the first man I'd taken extra notice of.
While I'd only ever considered myself attracted to women, there had been a few times when I’d noticed a guy who was particularly fit or good-looking. Again, I’d passed it off as me wanting to see the man through my photographer’s lens, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe it'd meant something completely different.
I'd been with my ex since we'd been teenagers, so there hadn't been any other lovers besides her. Sex outside of my marriage hadn't been something I ever would've considered, even when my ex and I had separated. I'd noticed plenty of women and been attracted to them, but I'd never acted on it. And while I might not have necessarily given the same level of attention to another man, I had to wonder if maybe I'd worked just a little too hard to make excuses for why my eyes would sometimes linger on a particular guy or why his cologne or his voice would be something I'd hang on to long after he was gone.
Now, with my body almost flush with Lex's as I held him against the wall, there was just no denying what I was feeling. Lex had thought I was ignoring him just to be cruel, but I hadn't been ignoring him at all.
What I'd been doing hadn't been much better, though. I'd taken advantage of the fact that Lex couldn't see me studying his body and how I reacted to it. I’d started with his feet and worked my way up his legs. I'd waited for the knowledge that they were hairy instead of smooth to turn me off, but all I’d wanted to know was what they would feel like. I’d wanted to trace the shape of his calf muscles with my fingers. His thighs were slim but muscular and I'd had this image of them gripping my hips as I lay on top of him. My eyes had dwelled far too long on the bulge in his underwear. By the time I’d gotten to his abdomen, I’d been sweating and hard and doing my best not to close the distance between us so I could use my hands to examine the rest of his body.
The sweatshirt had meant I couldn't see anything, but that hadn't stopped my brain from trying to remember what his upper body had looked like when I’d changed out his wet clothes for dry ones. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon how one looked at it, I'd been in too much of a rush to linger at the time.
It was all too much to take in at once. I couldn't make sense of how I'd never realized I could be attracted to men before, and now that I was, it was hard to accept. But I also wasn't one to keep making excuses, especially when something was just too obvious to ignore.
With the way I was holding Lex against the wall, his body was lined up almost perfectly with mine. He might've been shorter than me, but it wasn't enough to change how our bodies notched together. All I had to do was press my hips in just a bit, and I’d feel that bulge I'd seen behind his underwear.
The need to do just that was like a fire burning in my blood. Fortunately, I had the sense to keep some distance between us. Just because I was dealing with all of these unexpected things didn't mean that Lex was having the same issue. And clearly, he wasn't because he had already pointed out how much my reaction to his blindness bothered him.
The more I thought about it, the more I understood it. How many times had I taken for granted how easy it was to read a person rather than actually speak with them? It was one of the many reasons my wife and I had drifted apart. She'd needed constant reassurance from me about anything and everything and after growing tired of it, I’d started expecting her to just read my expressions the way I read hers. But she might as well have been as blind as Lex. By the time I’d realized she wasn't able to read me in the same way, it had all been too late. Our marriage had crumbled, and things had only gone downhill from there.
I shoved away thoughts of the past and focused on the man holding completely still in my grip. He was breathing hard and I knew I had to be scaring him. "I can't," I repeated and then added, "Not until I know you'll be okay on your own."
It was a half-truth. I really wanted to just hold on to him because the idea of letting him go felt wrong. But that made no sense. I didn't even like the guy. Yeah, I was attracted to him, but he was an entitled prick who just happened to be at a low moment in his life.
I focused on Lex's expression as I released my hold on him. I swore I saw his lips quiver just slightly, but I couldn't be sure. He didn't move away from the wall and I found myself not moving either. I'd expected that my body would calm if I wasn't touching him, but that fire still burned and there was this nearly painful itch in my fingers. I fisted my hands to keep from reaching for him again.
"I'm not your responsibility," Lex said. His eyes were looking over my shoulder. I wanted to grasp his chin so I could direct his gaze to meet mine, but I resisted the urge. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time."
I sighed because I knew he was right. And the sooner I got him out of my cabin, the sooner I could deal with all the new feelings he brought out in me. "Fine," I responded. "Let me just check your blood sugar again and fix you some dinner and then I'll take you home."
"That's not necessary—" he began to say, but I silenced him by taking his hand in mine. So much for resisting the urge to touch him.
"Humor me," I murmured. "Please," I added, though it was admittedly tough. I was used to people following my orders. It wasn't that I was a controlling asshole who needed to dominate others; it just seemed that people naturally looked to me for direction. My wife hadn't particularly liked making decisions in our household and had often asked me how to handle things. I hadn’t been smart enough to recognize it as a cry for help. It was one of many regrets I would have to live with for the rest of my life and I didn’t want to repeat it with Lex or anyone else.
I was relieved when Lex nodded. More awkward silence filled the air between us, but this time I wasn't going to make the same mistake I had before. I still had ahold of Lex's hand, so I used that to pull him forward just a little. I hoped that he would pass off the contact as nothing more than me helping him get from one place to another. He didn't need to know that I liked the way his palm felt against mine. "I'll show you the kitchen," I explained, since I now understood how important it was for him to know where he was.