Or so I thought.
Because as soon as I let out that first hoarse cry, a cold nose pressed into my armpit and then a wet tongue was leaving a trail of doggy saliva on my face. On the one hand, I was thrilled to have Brewer there to comfort me, but on the other, I was afraid of what that meant for Gideon. He hadn't even tried calling the dog to take him home with him.
I let my fingers skim over Brewer's soft coat. The husky settled half his body on my lap and began whining. No matter how much I petted him, the dog didn't let up with his whimpers. Then he let out a long howl that pierced holes into my already tattered heart.
I dropped my head against Brewer’s and whispered, "I'm sorry, Brewer. I'm worried about him too." Brewer fell silent and tucked his muzzle into my armpit. I used one hand to comfort the dog while I searched out my phone and told it what number I wanted to dial. It was all I could do to keep myself together when a gruff voice on the other end answered.
I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a half sob that sounded as desolate as Brewer's whimpers.
"Lex, talk to me," my brother King all but demanded. He reminded me so much of Gideon that I would've laughed if it hadn't hurt so fucking much. As it was, I could barely get my next words out because I was terrified that, for the first time in my life, not even my brother could help me fix the damage I'd caused.
"King… I think I fucked up."
Chapter Eighteen
Gideon
There was no doubt about who it was that was pounding on my door that night, so I took my time answering it. I'd only just returned from my second visit to the liquor store in the past week, so I hadn't had a chance to break open the first of several bottles of whiskey that I’d bought. I’d gotten smart and had driven to the next town over to stock up on alcohol so I wouldn't have to deal with Merv or any of his busybody patrons judging me for my purchases.
Since I'd left Brewer at Lex's, I'd assumed I'd get a call to come and get the dog, but I was surprised that Lex was returning the animal to me himself. I’d already glanced out the window when I’d heard the sound of an engine getting closer, so I’d known as soon as I’d seen the sleek black car making its way down my driveway who my visitor was.
I forced back the sour taste in my mouth that came along with the guilt I was feeling for how I’d treated Lex. It hadn't been fair to take all my anger out on him, but the reality was that I’d been doing a pretty damn good job of forgetting about what Serena had done to our children. Others had tried to do what Lex had done, but he’d been the first to succeed in making me relive the past. It was just further proof that he was too far under my skin.
I yanked the door open with every intent of telling Lex just to keep my dog because the animal was better off with him, but before I could get a word out, two hands flew out and caught me square in the chest. The shove wasn't hard enough to knock me on my ass, but I did stumble back a few steps from the sheer shock of Lex lashing out at me.
"Do I have your attention now?" Lex yelled as he stomped into my house. Since I hadn't spoken, he didn't know what direction to look in to try and make eye contact with me, but that didn't slow him down.
"Why is it different for you, Gideon?" he asked, his voice harsher than I'd ever heard it.
"What—" was all he let me get out.
"You told me my life wasn't over! You're a hypocrite! You want me to go out there and deal with the fact that I'm blind but you don't have to figure out how to move on!"
His words hurt like hell, mostly because they were true. But as always, the idea of moving on without Bethie only served to rip me wide open all over again. "My kid is gone, Lex! She's not coming back! How the fuck am I supposed to move on from that?"
Lex seemed to soften just a bit. He stepped forward, his hands out in front of him. It would've been easy enough for me to move out of his reach, but I stayed where I was. When his hands touched my chest, he gripped my shirt. "I know that, Gideon. And I know you're hurting in a way that I'll never understand. But you're still here. I have to believe there's a reason for that. You have another child—"
"A child who hates me," I snapped.
Lex slowly moved his hands up so he was clasping my face. "Please don't give up, Gideon," Lex suddenly whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. This time his voice was even softer. "Please, my love, don't give up."
If the endearment hadn't gotten my attention, the way he brushed his mouth over mine certainly would have. It was a sweet, soft, heartbreakingly gentle kiss that carried a thousand pounds’ worth of meaning behind it. I felt his heartbreak in it. The heart that was broken for me, for my loss and for my pain. I closed my eyes and tried to steel myself against this man, but even now my hands were reaching for him. The pain I'd been trying to dull with alcohol for the better part of the week radiated out to my limbs, leaving me feeling weak and helpless.
I found myself wrapping my arms around Lex's waist. I drew on his strength because without it, I felt like I would shatter into a million pieces. Bethie's sweet face appeared behind my eyelids and then her happy voice was in my ear as she sang me her favorite song from whatever TV show or movie she was obsessed with.
"Fuck, Lex," I croaked. "She was so beautiful. She was just so beautiful."
"I know she was, sweetheart."
The bitter tears that I was certain I'd banished for good came back with a vengeance and by the time they were done, Lex and I were on the floor with me cradled against his chest. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time the tears dried up. I had no desire to move and Lex seemed to be in no hurry to release me, so I stayed where I was and focused on the sensation of his fingers running through my hair. He didn't ask if I was feeling better and he didn't placate me with the standard "I'm sorry" line that I always got when someone found out my child was dead. He also didn't press me to tell him any more details or explain how I'd ended up in Fisher Cove or what I wanted or needed to happen next. The only sound in the room was the steady ticking of the clock on the kitchen wall… the cheap little clock with apples on it that my grandmother had had in the kitchen from the time they’d moved into the place. Strangely enough, the sound was oddly comforting. I wasn't really sure why.
"Where's Brewer?" I asked. I didn't recognize my own voice because it sounded rusty.
"My driver, Andre, is keeping him at the cabin. I can have him bring him home whenever you want."
When I’d gone over to Lex's to confront him about the hole he'd opened up inside of me, I hadn't wanted Brewer with me anymore. I wasn't proud of my reasons for being so willing to give the dog up. I found myself voicing those reasons to Lex.
"He's been keeping me going. I've spent the past two years telling myself that he needs me and that if I'm gone, he has no one."
"He's not the only one who needs you, Gideon. I went into town this week to pick up a few things from Merv's. That lady, the one who talked to you on the road that day—"
"Mrs. Goldfinch," I supplied.