“Behind you,” I grated out. I still had my fingers inside of him and, admittedly, didn’t want to remove them just yet.
Lex fumbled for the bottle and then he was squirting some of the liquid on his palm. When his hand closed around my cock, I nearly came on the spot. I ended up trying to remember all the names of my teachers in high school to distract myself.
“Hurry, Gideon,” Lex begged as his fingers closed over my upper arms. I eased my fingers out of him and then rolled him onto his back. My hand was shaking as I guided my throbbing cock to his entrance.
And then I began to push inside of him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lex
He'd ruined me for other men. I knew that long before he began pushing himself inside of me. I tried not to think about what that would mean for my future just as I tried not to think about anything at all except for how good he felt, how right. At some point, I closed my eyes, so all I could see was darkness. But that made no difference at all.
Because I could see everything.
I could see it through the way his body was slick with sweat. I could see it through the flex of his muscles as he thrust in and out of me in tiny increments, going a little deeper each time. I could see it in the way he panted and grunted as he clung to me. I could see it in how his fingers bit into my skin and his whispers floated around me.
I didn't need to see him to know how gorgeous he looked, how perfectly we fit together.
"Lex," Gideon groaned as his arm curled around the side of my face and his fingers gripped my hair. I was equally wrapped around him. My arms were at his back and I had my ankles locked together just above his ass.
Gideon rocked into me over and over until his balls brushed my skin. He was so deep inside of me that it felt like he'd always been there. That he'd always been a part of me.
When his mouth closed over mine, I did my best to kiss him back, but I was in sensory overload. Everything was almost too much.
Almost.
"Gideon, please," I begged. His lips skimmed my cheek as he pulled out of me.
"I have you, Lex," he breathed and then he slid back into me. He repeated the move over and over again—long, slow, deep glides that were making me crazy. I wanted it to go on forever at the same time that I needed it to end. My release was right there beneath my skin and I both craved and feared it. I'd always thought of it as just a physical release, but what Gideon was doing to me went so far beyond that.
The slow, smooth glides soon turned into hard, deep thrusts that had my entire ass rocking off the bed. The friction he created inside of me fed into that mysterious sensation that grew and grew the harder he fucked me.
"Lex, talk to me," Gideon said almost desperately. I could hear the fear in his voice and knew why it was there. Despite the obvious pleasure he was feeling, he was afraid for me.
"It's so good, Gideon. Don't stop. Don't ever stop."
His mouth came crashing down on mine and I kissed him with everything I was. After that, it was a while before we spoke again. With words, anyway. Our need was clear enough as we clung to one another. I buried my face in Gideon's neck as the orgasm hung there on the precipice.
"Gideon," I cried. His name came out on a half sob.
"Go over, sweetheart," Gideon whispered in my ear. "I'm right behind you."
Gideon thrust into me hard once, twice and then I was flying. I called out Gideon's name as the release crashed over me. Waves of pleasure rocked through me and I was sure that if Gideon's weight hadn't been pressing me into the bed, I would have floated away. Gideon's hoarse shout washed over me as he shoved into me hard. I felt the heat of him inside of me as he held me in a tight grip. His hips continued to pump into me as he came.
When Gideon collapsed on top of me, I welcomed his weight wholeheartedly. I turned my head so I could kiss the shell of his ear and then his neck. That was all I could reach because he’d buried his face into the bedding. His breath continued to come out in heavy pants, much like mine. He was still lodged deep inside of me, and I wished there was a way that he could stay there.
With the waning release came the despair. I didn't want to lose this, but I didn't know how to keep it either. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, but the words got stuck in my throat. It wasn't that I wasn’t sure about my feelings.
I was.
And while they were nothing like what I'd felt for Grady, the effects of my ex’s rejection still lingered. I'd survived Grady, but I wouldn't survive Gideon reminding me of the things I already knew.
That I wasn't enough. And that in some ways I was too much.
My health, even at its best, would always be a burden to any man who chose to make a life with me. And while Gideon was beyond patient when it came to my sight, I knew that couldn't last. There would come a day where it would be a hindrance and he’d resent me…
No, I couldn't say the words that were screaming to escape my throat. I could only tuck them away deep inside of me in a place where I could bring them to the surface when I didn't feel strong enough to deal with things. I’d remember this exact moment where I wasn't blind, sick Lex. I was just Gideon's Lex.
"Are you okay?" Gideon asked as he turned his head and brushed a kiss over my cheek. It wasn't until he did it again that I realized he was kissing away tears. I nodded vigorously.
"Yeah," was all I managed to say. It wasn't smooth or sexy or funny, but it was all I had. It was the truth. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was okay.
Gideon's mouth covered mine and I gladly returned the kiss despite my exhaustion. I felt him pull free of my body and instantly mourned the loss. When Gideon got up, presumably to get something to clean us both off with, I tried to get ahold of my emotions. Grady had always hated how clingy I'd gotten after sex. I couldn’t make that mistake with Gideon.
When Gideon returned to the bed, I lay there silently as he cleaned me off. The bed dipped beneath Gideon's weight as he climbed in next to me, but I ended up turning my back to him so he wouldn't see me struggling to get control of myself. While we'd spent the last couple of weeks sleeping together each night, the situation had been different. Gideon had needed comforting and I'd tried to give him that. But sleeping together after sex wasn’t the same thing. Grady had always liked his space and on the few occasions that he’d stayed overnight, he'd actually put pillows between us to keep me from crowding him. I didn't want to risk Gideon doing the same thing.
But when Gideon pressed up against my back and softly said, "Talk to me, Lex," it was all I could do to not completely lose it.
"I'm fine," I responded. A few minutes earlier I'd felt so at ease, but the fear of rejection was quickly taking over. There was no way I could tell him that I was terrified of losing him over something as simple as cuddling after sex. Why in the hell would Gideon want to deal with any of that? Who would?
I had no choice in the matter when Gideon rolled me onto my back. That simple act had me trying to stifle a harsh sob and I ended up covering my eyes. That humiliation crawled beneath my skin and undid all the languishing effects of the orgasm I'd experienced. Gideon's fingers stroked through the hair at my temple. "Sweetheart, talk to me. Did I hurt you?"